Lately people have said how "brave" I am to share my struggles. But I don't see myself as brave. "Brave" implies that one sees danger and chooses to do something anyway. In my case, I just don't see any danger in the first place! So I don't think that counts as brave. (Maybe stupid...but that's a different story...)
In any case, I thought it might be worthwhile to tell the story of how I got to this point of being willing to air my dirty laundry. So here is the story of my mid-life crisis...
MY OLD PARADIGM
Once upon a time, I was the perfectionist oldest child in a middle class Christian family. I decided at age 4 to follow Jesus, and like everything I did, I jumped in wholeheartedly. I read the Bible, I prayed, I obeyed him, I went to church activities...and the motivation behind all of this was my overwhelming desire to know this mysterious God who created me. Everything I knew about him seemed beautiful, and I wanted to get closer.
What I THOUGHT I learned was this:
The way to get closer to God - the golden ticket into his presence - is to "have it all together."
I thought the people who really knew God were the ones who were responsible, who made good decisions, who obeyed the rules, who had self-discipline, who never let anything get to them...who basically had life figured out. And this was good news for me...because, like I said, I was a driven overachiever! I'm generally a person who DOES keep it all together, so I thought I was on the right track.
This is not to say I didn't have a lot of ups and downs with God...after all, I'm a perfectionist. So in a relationship with God based mostly on what I could do for him, I constantly worried that I wasn't doing enough. I was constantly thinking of ways to make up for the areas where I fell short.
But overall, in comparison to the other slackers out there, I thought of myself as an elite Christian - someone who was destined to do great things for God; someone he was proud to call a daughter; someone who would surely grow up to be the paragon "have it all together" Christian (married with 2.5 kids); someone who should be leading others and encouraging them to get their lives together, too.
QUESTIONS
But a couple of questions nagged at me and threatened to tear down my self-assigned high ranking with God.
Question 1: The first came in college when this guy Eric told his story about how he'd been a drug dealer and a thief...but how God turned his life around. It was such an inspiring story about the transformative power of God's love...but it made me sad, because I realized that I already HAD my life all together. So there wasn't anything I really needed from God. I lamented that I'd never have an inspiring testimony like Eric's to share with people. But worse, I started to wonder...if I didn't really NEED anything from God...was I missing out on some big way of connecting with him?
Question 2: The second came soon after college when my dad asked this question at our church: "If God were removed from your life, what would change?" When I really stopped to think, I was crushed to admit that in reality, NOTHING would change if God were removed from my life. That's because I'm just generally a responsible, rule-following, "got it all together" kind of person. So though I liked to THINK I was doing that for God's sake, the truth is that I'd still be that way even if he wasn't around. And that bothered me A LOT, because I just kept thinking...this God I believe in is powerful and all-consuming and transforming. So what am I missing that I'm not experiencing that in my life?
Question 3: The third came one night as I was lying in bed, fretting about why I couldn't get anywhere in my endeavor to do "great things for God." I soooo wanted to lead some initiative to change the world for God, but I couldn't get ANYWHERE, no matter what I did. And suddenly it occurred to me..."Here I think of myself as this great Christian who is totally different from the world...but the fact is that I'm exactly the same schemer/striver/power-hungry manipulator as everyone else is...it's just that I do it in a church setting instead of a secular setting." And that rocked me. Shouldn't someone who's close to God have an entirely different motivational structure?
So these questions nagged at the back of my mind for years, but since my efforts to "have it all together" were generally working for me, I didn't really consider making any big changes.
PROBLEMS
But soon my record of success began to waver...mainly related to the fact that I was 27 years old and nowhere NEAR the stage of life I thought I should be. I had no husband, no kids, no house with a white picket fence. I had a thankless job as a teacher where I was working myself to death and getting no credit. I had very few friends. I had no "great things for God" to brag about. Basically, I didn't "have it together" the way I thought I should. This led to 3 major problems:
Problem 1: I was totally depressed and dissatisfied because I hadn't achieved the life stage I'd expected for age 27.
Problem 2: Worse was the fact that I couldn't figure out HOW to get to the stage where I was supposed to be...no matter how much I schemed!!!
Problem 3: But here's the real kicker...I started worrying that even if I DID achieve the stage where I thought I should be, I wouldn't be satisfied. I mean, I get a thrill out of the "getting there" part of goal-setting, but the actual "arrival" is usually a letdown. And if that's all I had to look forward to in life - an arrival and then a huge letdown - well, that's really scary. I began to feel hopeless about life in general.
I started telling God that if he had more to offer than this dead-end, stress-filled life, then I wanted it.
THE CRASH
And that's when my "got it all together" life started crashing all around me...
Friends: The first chink in my armor occurred when my best (and only) friend started dating her now husband. I felt demoted...like she'd only wanted me around as a consolation prize until she found the REAL person she wanted to spend her time with. And now there was no one in the world choosing to spend time with me. I felt completely rejected...as if I wasn't WORTHY of being chosen. I didn't know how else to retain my "dignity" other than to reject her before she could completely reject me. So I did. But I hated myself for it. And I was left with no one.
Getting married: According to the life plan I'd developed, I was YEARS behind in the marriage department. But no matter what I did, I couldn't get a single man to notice that I even existed. I was invisible...and it really made me question if I was even WORTHY of being pursued. Maybe I WAS a nobody...and maybe I didn't deserve to have anyone love me! But good Christians are married with 2.5 kids!!!! I didn't know how to get there!!!
Moral character: That's why, when "Tom" came along and noticed that I existed, I HAD to jump at that chance...even though I knew he wasn't husband material. But to hold onto him, I had to do things "good" Christians don't do. I hated what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself because I didn't know how to find validation if it wasn't from him.
Job: At the same time, I was completely burning out in my job as a teacher. I worked 16 hour days...and even when I wasn't working, my brain NEVER rested as I tried to be the most perfect teacher who ever lived. Yet despite all my efforts, kids still didn't care and parents still blamed me for problems. I can't describe the frustration of doing EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to be perfect...but knowing it still wasn't enough. I knew I'd never last 30 years at this pace, but being a good teacher was the foundation of my identity!!! After all, I wasn't getting my identity from being loved by a person. This was my only validation. So I couldn't quit...but I couldn't keep going.
Independence: Eventually, though, I reached the breaking point. For years I'd thought God was calling me to quit my career as a teacher, but I'd been fighting him. Now I was so depressed that I was ready to do ANYTHING to enact a change. But when I quit teaching, I couldn't find anything else to do. I'd expected God to call me into some grand new career...but instead I ended up moving back in with my parents at age 30 and working at Charlotte Russe...definitely not the success you'd expect from a 4.0 honors student who's supposed to "have her life together."
Doing great things for God: I was also receiving constant negative evaluation in the volunteer position I held at church. This was quite confusing for the girl who'd always gotten 100% on every assignment, and I started to wonder if I was even capable of doing "great things for God" as I'd always dreamed. Not only that, but because my life was falling apart, I wondered if I was even the kind of person he'd WANT to represent him. I'd often been looked down on by other people, but this was the first time I'd ever felt deserving of being looked down on by my creator. And without a thumbs up from him, I felt completely worthless.
Car: In a physical manifestation of the way everything was crashing emotionally, I spun my car into a wall and totaled it...with my best friend in the passenger seat. To this day, I can't tell you what caused that wreck, other than a little rain on the ground. But responsible people keep control of their cars and don't risk innocent people's lives!!! At that point, I questioned my ability to control ANYTHING in my life.
Identity: This life crash really made me question: "Who am I anymore???" After all, I'd thought of myself as someone who had a good head on her shoulders; someone who made good decisions; someone who had it all together. But clearly that was no longer the case! If my identity was not "Good Friend" or "Good Teacher" or "Good Christian" or even "Good Driver"...then who WAS I?
Mental stability: My grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and as I watched her lose sanity in a way she couldn't control, I panicked that this would happen to me. If I completely lost my ability to "have it all together"...would that mean I was no longer worthy of respect? Was SHE no longer worthy of respect? This caused me to question the way I evaluated everyone and everything...and my disillusionment led me to do something I'd SWORN I'd never do...I started seeing a counselor. But people who have it all together don't need to see a counselor!!! I was embarrassed and I kept it a secret even from my family, because I was afraid of what they'd think of me.
THE NEED
My lowest point was Easter Sunday 2008 when I realized that FAR from being the respected "have it all together" Christian I'd aspired to be, I was basically a Jerry Springer guest. I was entangled in a bitter "love" triangle with Tom, complete with public drama. I had no friends, no job, no home of my own, no reason for anyone to respect me - including myself. I was a complete failure at life. I did not have it all together, and therefore, according to my own belief system, I had no basis to come close to God.
No words can adequately describe the severity of the hopelessness and loss of identity that I experienced during this time.
I felt like a little girl who'd been skipping merrily and naively to school with a smile and big dreams...but on the way, bullies started jumping out of the bushes one by one...ganging up on me, beating me up and yelling at me ruthlessly:
"Who do you think you are??? You're worthless to God and to everyone else!!! You're not worthy of respect; you're just worthy of disdain! What in the world EVER made you think you could do great things for God? You can't even hold a normal life together! Why would you ever think God could be pleased with you? You're just a disappointment to him! Maybe he "loves" you, but he doesn't LIKE you. In fact, nobody likes you...and do you know why? Because you're unlikable! You're a pain to God and to everybody else. He just rolls his eyes at you. The best thing you can do for God and for the world is just stay out of everyone's way and lie here in this little ball getting beat up like you deserve."
These kinds of thoughts screamed at me on a minute-by-minute basis. It was nearly unbearable. At first I tried to fight the bullies off, but as the gang grew stronger and I grew weaker, I had no choice but to give in to what they said.
Suddenly I NEEDED God like I never had before. I NEEDED someone to defend me from the horrible accusations that were being thrown against me! I was desperate. No longer did I spend time with God out of duty; now I sought after him VORACIOUSLY. No longer did I pray during a set period of time; now I prayed in the back of my mind ALL THE TIME, asking for help as I did whatever else I was doing. I was so hungry for truth that I skipped meals and got up early to read the Bible...searching for something - ANYTHING - to get me out of this mess.
It felt like my eyes had suddenly been opened to this war that was happening around me. I started thinking maybe being a Christian wasn't about "having it all together," but was actually about this giant battle in which both God and his Enemy were fighting tooth-and-nail for my soul. I certainly felt caught in the tug of war! And at that point, I really wasn't sure who was going to win.
Simultaneous to crying out desperately to God for help, though, I was also so angry at him. After all, I'd spent my entire life trying to serve him!!! Why wasn't he rewarding me with a "have it all together" life like he should??? But the more I'd follow that train of thought, the more I'd realize I clearly didn't DESERVE any kind of reward! After all, what kind of good Christian gets herself into such a sad state? So then I'd end up angry at myself!
NEW QUESTIONS
Everything I'd believed about life, about God, and about myself was turned on its head. Now I had new questions, and I was determined to get answers:
- Why is this happening to me? Is this a punishment...or is this actually a rescue from all the lies I'd believed about life and from all the demands to which I'd enslaved myself?
- What is success? Does being successful mean "having it all together"...or is it possible for me to be a success in God's eyes even right now while I'm a mess?
- Am I still worthy of respect? After all, underneath the mess, I'm the same person I've always been...it's only my circumstances that have changed; not the core of me. So what makes a person worthy of respect?
- Am I worthy of being pursued and chosen and loved...even if I don't have it all together? If so, why?
- What makes God pleased with a person? Is he rolling his eyes at me behind my back, or could he possibly delight in me right now? If he doesn't, how can I get him to delight in me?
I began posing these questions to people I encountered, and usually they confirmed my worst fears...that I WAS a disappointment to God and that he'd let me endure this punishment until I got my life together and did something that would make me worthy of entering his presence.
And though their answers made sense, deep down I didn't believe them. Deep down I believed that my Dad still loved me, that he was still proud of me, that he still looked forward to seeing me, that he still showed people my picture and said, "That's my girl!" I didn't know HOW that could possibly be true; I just knew that I felt his presence and love more strongly in my life now than I EVER had before when I'd "had it all together."
I was so embarrassed and depressed about where I was in life, and I had no strength to get my life back on track. He was my only hope. I remember saying to God, "If you get me out of this, I'll spend the rest of my life telling anyone and everyone about what you've done for me."
NEW WAYS OF CONNECTING TO GOD
This mid-life crisis went on for 3 years. I wondered if I'd come out alive. But in the midst of it, I had two encounters with God that gave me strength to keep going.
Prisoner of War
One night I was praying with my parents, asking God to show himself to me.
As we prayed, I pictured myself as a prisoner of war. I was trapped in this dark, musty, rat-infested dungeon...chained to the wall, beaten to a pulp, forgotten by everyone. There were guards stationed all around the prison, wielding AK-47s and determined not to let any prisoners escape. I was practically comatose with no hope of getting free. But as I sat there, the ground started shaking beneath me. It woke me up, and I panicked because I thought an earthquake was going to destroy the building! I imagined the walls of my prison becoming my eternal grave. I cried out for help, even though I knew no one heard me or cared. In fact, I didn't even WANT anyone to come after me, because I knew they'd be risking their life to get to me...and I didn't think I was worth it. My situation was hopeless. But as the rumbling grew louder and the walls began crumbling, I realized that this was not an earthquake at all...this was my own army storming the prison to rescue me! A glimmer of hope stirred in me, and suddenly I got a glimpse of Jesus, wearing camouflage, running toward me in a full-out sprint to rip off my chains, throw me over his shoulder, and whisk me off to safety. As we ran out of the prison and blitzed through the shower of bullets, he held me in his arms and shielded me. I thought for sure we wouldn't make it out alive, but when we got to safety, I found that I was unharmed...but he was bleeding from all the gunfire he'd taken for me. I couldn't understand why anyone would go through all of that just to rescue a worthless P.O.S. like me!!! But all I kept thinking was, "He came to get me! He really loves me!"
At first I dismissed this scenario as a product of my overactive imagination. But the more I pondered it, the more I believed this was a true picture of what was happening spiritually. I'd been so enslaved to all my performance-driven ways of building identity. They'd held me prisoner and beaten me to a pulp...and unlike what I'd assumed, Jesus wasn't sitting on his throne waiting for me to get it together and present myself faultless before him; rather, he was throwing off his royal robes, donning his camo, and storming the prison I'd made for myself in order to get to me! This was NOT the picture of Christianity I'd ever had before.
I hung on to that picture through the darkest of times, but things didn't start turning around until my next encounter...
Tallahassee
One morning as I drove to work, I was lamenting to God about my inability to get it together and obey him. I'd read John 14:15, which says, "If you love me, you'll keep my commandments." The fact of the matter was that I was NOT keeping his commandments. I wasn't loving my friend the way I was supposed to; I wasn't approaching my job the way I was supposed to; I wasn't acting morally the way I was supposed to. I'd spent so many months trying to re-interpret this verse; trying to justify myself and explain how I actually DID love him, even though I wasn't keeping his commandments...when suddenly it occurred to me that morning...maybe this verse is RIGHT. Maybe I didn't love him after all.
Wow. This realization was so humbling that I finally surrendered and said, "Okay, God, you're right. I DON'T love you. What's worse is that I CAN'T love you. No matter how hard I try, I can't make myself do what you say. And even worse than that, I don't know if I even WANT to love you...because I'm fairly certain that following your commandments will lead to the death of my identity. I wish I wanted to love you, but I don't. So what hope is there for me?" I was devastated, and I started crying as I realized that contrary to what I'd thought my whole life, I had absolutely no ability to make myself worthy of God's love.
But as I drove hopelessly down Tallahassee Dr., this thought came into my mind clear as day: "Jill, you've had it all wrong. You thought it was all about you loving me, you getting to me, and you doing things for me. But that's backwards. It's really all about me loving you, and me getting to you, and me doing things for you."
Okay, this thought TOTALLY ROCKED me. It completely shattered my old paradigm of what it meant to connect with God, and yet I knew it had to be from him.
This was a huge turning point in my life. I can't say that I totally believed it, and I definitely can't say that I knew what it meant, but what I DID know was this: God had not given up on me...and he wasn't going to.
God had seen me at my very worst...without even a DESIRE to "get it together"...and yet he'd still accepted me. More than that, he'd actually come running after me himself! The question of whether I was worthy of being pursued was answered for me with amazing clarity and finality. My creator didn't just love me...he LOOOOOOOOOVED me.
A NEW PARADIGM
That's when things finally started to turn around for me...when I realized that God puts his stamp of approval on me RIGHT NOW...completely regardless of my track record. What a relief from all the pressure I'd put on myself to perform and to "have it all together"!!!
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| Ain't no way I'd post a pic of ME without makeup. ;) |
It was totally life-changing to realize that I'm loved and desired by a God who sees me without my "makeup" on...and still wants me. That's when I entered a process of God saving me that continues to this day, and that will continue for the rest of my life.
But it didn't make sense to me that I connected with God...NOT when I had it all together, but when I finally humbled myself and admitted that I was a hopeless mess in need of saving.
I knew it was TRUE...but it was counterintuitive. How could a holy God who "has it all together" look at a mess like me and accept me? I felt like everything in life hinged on my ability to answer this question, so I set out on a determined quest to understand.
This quest lasted several years, and though I've concluded I'll NEVER fully comprehend it, here's what I believe:
- I SHOULD have to "get it all together" in order to stand before a perfect God. I was right about that!
- But what I HADN'T understood was the hopelessness of this situation...because the truth is that no matter how hard I try, I never will measure up to God's standards...because what God wants from me more than just rote obedience is a heart that loves him so much I'd do ANYTHING for him. And that's not something I can conjure up. (Believe me, I've tried.)
- So my condition is much more severe than I'd ever realized. Because I don't measure up, I deserve to be rejected by God...and I deserve all those horrible accusations the bullies were shouting at me. I deserve to be cast aside in the dark, musty dungeon...and there's nothing I can do about it.
- But EVEN IN THAT STATE, God loves me so much that he does something about it. He doesn't wait for me to fix myself and live up to standards...because that will never happen. In fact, there's only one person who has EVER lived up to standards (and that's not me; it's Jesus).
- So what God does is he sends his perfect, beloved, standard-meeting son to take on my identity...to switch places with me so that I can have his perfect identity.
- On the cross, Jesus takes my place getting beat up by the bullies' accusations...he takes the place I deserve. He's rejected by God and left to die in the dark, musty dungeon.
- And I get to take on Jesus' identity! That means when God looks at me, he sees Jesus' track record...and therefore he says, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You are my son in whom I'm well pleased!" God sees me as someone who "has it all together" because the transcript attached to my name is Jesus' transcript (as long as I approve the exchange)!
Okay, that is GOOD NEWS...and that is life-changing.
I can't claim to have plumbed all the depths of this amazing truth...and I don't think I ever will!!! But what I can say is this:
- I no longer claim to have it all together...because I don't. And to tell the truth, I'm GLAD I don't, because that reputation comes with a lot of pressure.
- I like being loved by a God who sees me without my "makeup" on. And that's why I don't care about revealing my messiness to the world. If the perfect and holy God of the universe accepts me just as I am, then who are you to say any differently?!?!
- The fact that God accepts me when I'm a mess does not make me want to stay a mess. Rather, it makes me want to do everything I can to look more like this beautiful Dad of mine who loves without limits.
So...here's where I am: I know that I still fall short of his perfect standard...EVERY SINGLE DAY. (I'm fully aware and regret that some of you have been the victim of this.)
But I also know that I am completely known and loved by a God who's so good he would give up his own life so I could have one. How could I NOT share this with everyone I know? That's not brave; that's just reality.
And that's why I want you to know I'm a mess...because it just shows off how wonderful my Dad is. And that's all that matters.
You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. --Matt 5:3
