I stopped trusting God.

Until last week, I was MIA from this blog for several months. That absence was due not to a lack of time or interest, but to a severe crisis of faith. Now that I'm on the other side, I thought I'd explain what happened.

I stopped trusting God.

Now, it's not like I've never struggled before with trusting God. After all, it's hard to keep trusting that God's taking care of you when all your circumstances make you feel as though he's not. But even in those times, I've always had that belief underneath sustaining me...that belief that even though I can't feel it, I know God's my Dad who protects and provides.

However, the loss of trust I experienced recently was something completely different. This wasn't a loss of trust that God's taking care of me right now...this was a complete loss of trust in the idea that taking care of people is even something God does. And that rocked me to my core. Let me explain...


HOW I LOST FAITH
In my last blog entry back in March, I described an experience in which it became incredibly real to me that God is my Dad who's on my side. Believing that gave me an overwhelming sense of protection and safety. I felt the relief of knowing I didn't need to continue to over-analyze and over-think my entire life (the way I've been known to do) because there's someone wise and strong who loves me and has it under control. I felt all the security that comes with being a treasured child. I felt like God had my back.


Well, just two days later, I read an article and all hell broke loose. The two main points of this article were:

1. God doesn't have a plan...it's all up to you.
2. God doesn't lead you and guide you...you're on your own.

I can understand that some people might read those statements and like them!!! After all, if God's not in charge and doesn't care, then that means I can do whatever I want without consequences!

But that's not the way I responded to that message AT ALL. Basically, reading this article negated all those uplifting things I'd been believing and instead told me: 

You're all alone in this world. Sure, there's a God in heaven...but he's not a loving Dad with a plan for your life; in fact, he doesn't care what you do and he's certainly not guiding you. He'd rather you just figure everything out for yourself and do everything for yourself. You're not a treasured child with a Father who loves you enough to guide you, make plans for you, teach you, take care of you, and keep you safe. No, you're an abandoned orphan who has to fend for herself in the world. IT'S ALL UP TO YOU. It's all up to you to make the right choices, and it's all up to you to conjure up the strength to carry them out. If you want good things to happen to you, then you'd better work hard...because everything that happens to you is based on your own merit, effort, and deservingness. There's no ultimate plan of God in which he blesses people based on grace; YOU'RE in charge of meriting your own blessings. So don't even think about resting!!! You'd BETTER go back to your flow charts & worry & over-analysis, because if you don't have a loving Dad guiding you and working everything for your good, then there's no one else considering all the implications of your decisions except for YOU.

 And that message freaked me out to the point where I couldn't stop crying at work, at the gym...pretty much everywhere. I'm not quite sure what caused me to believe this message (after all, it's not like I'd never heard someone say that before). I guess it was the way the author made her points...not with anger and resentment, but with the kind of joy and freedom I usually sense when I hear from God. But for whatever reason, I DID believe it. And believing it made me an absolute MESS. To explain why it affected me so much, let me take you back in time...


A FLASHBACK TO 2006...

Growing up, I thought I had control of my life. If I wanted something, I made it happen. If I tried something, I worked hard and became good at it. I was the girl who earned straight As, won spelling bees, and got trophies at piano competitions. I believed anything could be accomplished by simply analyzing the options, devising a strategy, and trying your best. I looked down on people who COULDN'T do that, because I thought they were lazy or stupid. I was a master manipulator, dedicating all my thoughts to analyzing situations and running through cause-effect scenarios until I knew my best course of action. I had big plans for my life and no doubt that I would accomplish them. My motto was, "Get determined"...and it worked. 

But around 2006, things started to fall apart. I was "getting determined"...but it was no longer working in any aspect of my life. For example, I wanted to get all my students to pass state tests...but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I wanted all parents to think I was the perfect teacher...but no matter how hard I tried, they still complained. I wanted to get married...but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I wanted to make friends...but no matter how hard I tried, nobody liked me. I wanted to be the perfect Christian who did great things for God...but no matter how hard I tried, nothing materialized. I blamed this all on myself. Clearly I wasn't devising the correct strategies! Clearly I wasn't trying hard enough! So I devised harder and tried harder...but I was GOING INSANE and panicking that I would NEVER figure out how to make my life go right and that I'd never be a success. I was desperately afraid that my life story was going to turn out to be one big tragedy and it would be all my fault.

This struggle went on for a while, until one day as I was doing my abs workout, I had this random thought: 

You're stressed out because the pressure's all on you. You're trying to be the author and the hero of your own life story... and you're overwhelmed because you're discovering you aren't competent at either role. But what if you're feeling pressure you don't need to feel because you're trying to fulfill roles you were never meant to have?

 What if GOD is the author who is writing your story and the pressure's on HIM to figure out how to bring about success and resolution...and all you have to do is live within the story he's already writing? And what if you're not the hero of the story either? What if God's also the hero, and the story's actually about HIM; not you? If that's the case, then your failures aren't the end of the world because the success of the story depends on whether HE succeeds; not whether you do. If he's the hero, then the pressure's on HIM to win all the battles and look good and succeed...and all you have to do is support him in whatever he tells you to do. But even if you mess that up, the pressure's still on HIM to fix it...and it all reflects on HIM; not on you. Your story is a success if HIS story is a success. The pressure's off.

So basically...

1. God has a plan...so the pressure's off. 
2. God's the hero and you're on his team...so someone's got your back.

I can't explain what a HUGE relief this was to me. It meant I didn't have to lie awake at night devising a plan...because God already had one. It meant I could just relax and live life without worrying so much about how it was all going to end up...because there was somebody else figuring that out for me. It meant that even if I never accomplished all the things that the world says you need to be considered a success, my life could still be a win because it was part of a bigger story in which the true hero DOES succeed. It took the pressure off so I could just enjoy life without worrying ALL THE TIME about how I was going to make sure it ended up the way it was supposed to. It's not all up to me.

That changed everything. It's not like I was instantly cured of my engineering and stressing, but it started a process of learning to rest from all my manipulation and just follow my Dad.


BACK TO THE PRESENT TIME...

So...with all this in mind, you can see why I PANICKED in March when the idea was introduced that God does NOT, in fact, have a plan and that he expects ME to author, engineer, and manipulate my own life and protect myself. If God's not looking out for me, it erases all the relief I felt on the abs machine 8 years ago. It means I DO need to feel relentless stress; I DO need to work my mind to death manipulating situations; I DO need to worry that I may end up a failure...because the pressure's all on me and success is not guaranteed. And seeing as how 2006 proved that I CAN'T figure it out and make myself a success - no matter how determined I get - this was pretty much the blow of death to me. If the most competent person controlling things in my life is me, then that's really, really scary.

Beyond that, I started to feel like I was losing my grip on reality. After all, here I'd been believing (despite all evidence to the contrary) that God was taking care of me, and I'd been banking my life on that fact...and now I find out that's not even something he does?!?! If that's true, it means all my comfort, hope and confidence have been false. And what about the MULTITUDE of times when I believed God was leading me? Were those all fake? If so, then I don't even know what's real anymore!!!

And then there's the cancer thing. I have the BRCA-1 gene mutation (like Angelina Jolie), which gives me a highly increased risk of cancer. When I first found out I had the mutation, I was a little scared, but basically I thought,

"Look, I am not at the mercy of this gene to determine if I get cancer; my life story is being written by God. So I may or may not get cancer...but if I do, it's not because of some defect in me; it's part of some greater purpose and some bigger story. The Author still has things under control and this is not a surprise to him. He's already figured out how to deal with it. I don't need to worry about it, because the outcome of my life is already secure, and my Dad will walk me through it." 

But if, in fact, God is NOT writing my life story, the pressure IS all on me, and there's NO ONE who's got my back...then that means I'd better do EVERYTHING I CAN to make sure I don't get cancer because it's all up to me and my story may end up a tragedy after all.

The same applies for every other aspect of life. If God's not in control, then if I don't make it happen, it's my fault and it all reflects on me. So I HAVE to make sure everyone thinks well of me because there is no way to count myself a success unless I achieve all the things you're supposed to do to be successful. And if that means lying or cheating or manipulating or seducing...then I guess I really have no choice, because my success is all dependent on me. (But then, of course, I have to ask...am I really successful if I've stepped on everyone on the way to get there? I don't think so.) So is there any hope for me???

I could go on and on about the ways I panicked. Underneath it all was this terrifying thought:

I'm all alone, no one's got my back, it's all up to me.

HOW THIS BELIEF PLAYED OUT

This went on for over 2 months. Other than my great Mid-Life Crisis of 2006-9, I've never experienced such severe spiritual crisis. None of my usual remedies worked...not prayer, not bombarding myself with Scripture, not preaching truth to myself, not consulting with friends. Nothing could restore my belief that God's my loving Dad who takes care of me and has my back. I felt completely unprotected. 

To make matters worse, during that time, I found myself in at least 6 situations where I needed protection...and there was none to be found. I was abandoned by friends and family whom I had trusted to always stick up for me. And all I could think was, "It's true...I really am alone and unprotected."

Believing this, I found myself making decisions far outside my normal tendencies toward self-control. After all, if I'm not part of some bigger story, then why not do whatever makes me feel good right now? I retreated from people. After all, if I can't count on God, why would I be able to count on anyone else? I grew more and more guarded and cynical. After all, where can I find security if I'm facing the world alone and unprotected?

TURNING THE TIDE
As this continued, I started to wonder if I'd EVER get out alive. I mean, my whole life has been based on walking with my Dad! I don't know how to handle crisis without him! I'd start crying out to him for help...and then have to remind myself, "Jill, what are you doing? Don't you remember there's nobody there listening to you?" And I can't even describe the resulting sense of emptiness that would overtake me.

In the midst of it, there were three events that started to turn the tide.

• Don't trust in my plan; trust in ME. One of the main things plaguing me was this idea that God doesn't have a plan; that he doesn't have things under control. After all, if God DOES have a plan, then I can rest easy that even bad things are being worked into a greater purpose. But if he DOESN'T have a plan, then everything is just random chaos. That made me feel soooooo insecure. To combat this fear, I reminded myself of the numerous times in the Bible where God clearly has a plan and goes to great lengths to work it out. I argued it out in my mind continually...but that just wasn't working, because all I kept thinking was this: "Sure, Jill, YOU read these stories and interpret them as though God has a plan. But there have been plenty of people throughout history who have interpreted it differently. After all, isn't this issue one of the big doctrinal debates of the centuries? So what if you've been wrong all along? What if God DOESN'T have a plan and he really isn't in control?" Man, oh man, did this freak me out. It shook the very foundations of my faith. I kept thinking, "But how could God POSSIBLY expect us to live with joy & peace & rest...how could he POSSIBLY tell us to trust him...unless he has a plan and he's working it out????" I obsessed about it. Then one day I had this thought...

Jill, I never wanted you to trust in my PLAN; I wanted you to trust in ME. Are you able to trust in the goodness of my character; to just trust that I'm your Dad who has your best interests in mind...whether or not I have a plan?

Wow. That was really difficult, but I DO believe my Dad is good. So I said yes. 

• Did God just protect me from myself? The decision that "My Dad is good" didn't cure me of my struggles, though. In fact, my crisis grew worse. Though I kept reminding myself, "God is good. God is good. God is good," I didn't feel it...and therefore I didn't act like it. At one point, I was so hopeless that I made a decision to do something that I KNEW would lead to my own harm and heartbreak (though it would be exciting for the time being). After all, if no one's protecting me, then I'm going to end up hurt anyway, right?...I may as well control the hurt by bringing it on myself! As I was scheming to carry out this decision, I had the thought...

If God were to prevent me from going through with this decision, it sure would seem like he's protecting me from my own worst enemy - myself.

And lo and behold, no matter how hard I tried, I could NOT make this bad decision materialize. (And this is not something that should have been difficult to carry out.) It was almost as if there were some unseen force blocking my every attempt. I truly couldn't think of ANY other explanation for my failure except to say, "Geez, maybe God IS protecting me."

• Holy crap. But here's where it gets really crazy. (I know this is weird; I'm just describing what I experienced.) As I was starting to emerge from the darkness of despair, I had this sudden memory of something that happened back in February, shortly before this whole crisis began. I'd been driving down I-75, realizing I'd been listening to a lot of accusation, and asking the Holy Spirit to replace those thoughts with truth. As I did that, I thought about how grateful I was to have Jesus' protection against accusation, and I considered how horrible it must be for my friend "Greg" who doesn't believe Jesus is a protector. How does he deal with all those thoughts & accusations on his own??? I remember asking myself the question, "Jill, would you give up your protection so that Greg could have it? Would you step in and take the accusation that's being directed at him so that he can experience the emotional space to hear from God?" And I remember agreeing that I would. But then I didn't think any more about it...until this crazy moment in May. And in that crazy moment, I had the thought...

HOLY CRAP. When I said I would give up my protection so Greg could have it...DID THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN? Has this feeling of being unprotected been REAL???

I really don't know. On the one hand, that's kind of scary...that means things that happen in the spiritual realm are REAL. On the other hand, it was highly comforting for me to consider the possibility that this whole experience was actually part of a bigger story about laying down my life for Greg. Maybe my crisis wasn't due to my own failure and weakness; maybe it was actually due to my sacrifice...and I was just inexperienced and unprepared to deal with it. Maybe it didn't indicate that I was living in a world of random chaos; maybe it indicated that I'm living in a world where God definitely DOES have a plan (which includes a plan to rescue Greg)...and this time of apparent unprotection for me was actually an instance of me playing a significant role in it. Whoa.


ON THE OTHER SIDE
I can't explain everything that happened, but I can say that now - several months later - I think I'm finally on the other side. I can hear my Dad again. I feel his protection. I know that he's guiding me. And against all odds, I believe he's brought me out stronger than before.

When I think about it, I've learned a lot from the experience (though I can't say I EVER want to go through it again!!!) Here are my top 4 lessons...

1. Don't take spiritual things lightly. My goodness...if something I agree to in the spiritual realm can create THAT much turmoil in my life, then I need to be careful what I agree to! That means deliberately breaking agreements with bitterness, unforgiveness, rejection, and other junk. And it means deliberately making agreements with everything God says and not taking it lightly. So if he tells me to change my thinking in a certain area, I want to DO it rather than endangering myself and wasting opportunities by all my negotiating and dilly-dallying around! If he tells me to forgive, I want to forgive. If he tells me to risk, I want to risk. If he tells me to give something up, I want to give it up. I want to be quick to repent and quick to obey. This stuff is REAL...so I want to treat his authority and holiness with the weight he deserves. 
2. Hold on to what you believe in the light when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight. (Thanks, Mumford & Sons.) It turns out that this period when I felt most like God DIDN'T have a plan was actually a time when I was most participating in his plan. I can't see everything that's happening in the spiritual realm, so I just need to hold on to what I DO know. As Oswald Chambers puts it, "Believe God is always the God you know him to be when you are nearest to him." 
3. You won't survive if you don't get mature. I believe I had good intentions when I offered to give up my protection for Greg. But I also believe I could have avoided a lot of the distress I experienced if only I'd been more prepared and knowledgeable for the fight. After all, my Dad's Enemy is not stupid, and he is working hard to destroy me. This is a fight, and I NEED to be mature if I want to survive. So I've been spending a lot of time listening to good teaching, putting it into practice, repenting of believing lies, memorizing Scripture, and praying. Sure, I survived this time...but next time I want to be ready so I don't have such a close scrape with destruction!
4. The most important thing is to believe that God is good. Throughout this crisis, I think I got sidetracked by my need to know whether God has a plan, whether he protects his people, whether he's in control, etc. My obsession with knowing the correct doctrinal answer to all these questions (though important questions!) overshadowed the more important question: "Do I believe God is good?" It really all boils down to that. Even if I've got EVERYTHING else wrong, I'll be okay if I believe God is good. After all, that's the age-old question that's been echoing since the Garden of Eden..."Is your Dad really good? Is he really trustworthy?" And that's the thing I'm hanging on to - that he is.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track. --Proverbs 3:5-6