Like when he says that he'll protect me from all harm. (Ps 121:7, Ps 91:10, Isa 54:17, 2 Tim 4:18, etc.) Really??? I sure don't feel protected right now.
WAIKIKI...OR PEARL HARBOR???
I guess it's my own fault, but last November I asked God for an adventure. Geez Louise. I don't recommend this request, as God and I have VERY different definitions of the word. I defined "adventure" similar to an exciting Hawaiian vacation...but if this is Hawaii, then I got dropped here on Dec. 7, 1941.
In a nutshell, this was my past year:
- Drama: I entered a doomed-from-the-start dating relationship with my dance partner who has a different spiritual background. Judge me all you want (most days I'd agree)...all I can say is that I truly believed God told me to open up my heart and be vulnerable - and he'd have my back. So I VERY hesitantly did...only to have it raked through the coals each of the FIVE times we broke up. In one fell swoop, I lost my boyfriend, friend, Bible study partner, dance partner, and willingness to trust - and BONUS...I still "get" to see him weekly with another girlfriend!!!
- Failures: In a group that I lead, I had 2 awesome-sounding ideas that I thought came from God. I excitedly tried them...and they both failed. Miserably. In the midst of this failure, a friend threatened repeatedly that if I didn't improve, she'd leave the group. I failed at that, too.
- Work: My company announced that we're merging with another firm and moving to an office 30 minutes farther from home. This seems like a natural time to transition out...since this is not my dream career and the extra driving time will force me to give up things I love. But I have NO IDEA what/how to do that and God's been pretty silent regarding direction.
- Mad Frog: My favorite weekly salsa event ended. This may seem trivial, but it was truly the place I felt most "at home" and the thing I most looked forward to each week.
- Predators: Men are seriously NEVER interested in me...but this year I've navigated (successfully and not) through warding off no less than 9 men who were really only interested in the wrong thing.
- BRCA1: I discovered that I have Angelina Jolie's gene mutation that leads to an 87% chance of female cancers (as opposed to 1% for the general population). This, of course, leads to a host of other problems (including the death of any dreams for a family). I'll process all of this some other time.
- No support: I've dealt with this all alone. I've tried to talk to people about it, but found that everyone was either unwilling to listen ("Sorry, as you were pouring your heart out, I was trying to hear the conversation at the next table") or ill-equipped to listen ("I can't deal with the heaviness of what you're saying...I'll just joke about it!") or just made things worse ("If you get breast & ovarian cancer, you'll no longer be a woman"). So after repeated attempts, it seemed safer to just keep it to myself, smile, and talk about the weather.
- Money: Then I started losing money right and left. My garbage disposal broke. My car needed $2800 of repairs. I took the ill-fated genetic test. I had to make doctor's appointments and get prescriptions, none of which insurance pays for, since my deductible is sky-high. My computer bit the dust. Suddenly it feels fiscally irresponsible to even buy groceries.
- Accusation: But worse is the constant voice of accusation in my head that won't shut up..."This is all your fault...that's what you get...you're a failure and a disappointment...you aren't worth anyone's time or interest...your life isn't worth reproducing...etc." I feel like Precious, cowering at the bottom of the stairs, being bombarded by all the verbal abuse of her mother. Like her, I'd start off denying the accusations, but eventually you start to think (and act as if) they must be true.
- Exposed: Still worse is the realization that, while there are people who enjoy being with me when it's fun, convenient, and corresponds with what they already wanted to do, there are very few who want to be with me when it requires sacrificing fun, convenience, or their desires. They don't love ME; just what I can give them. Suddenly I realized I'm unloved, alone and exposed - no one's got my back. And that makes me PANIC.
THE REAL PROBLEM
So...I know things could be way, way worse (and at the rate I'm going, probably WILL) but my honest response to all of this is: "Protection?! Bull@#$%!!! This feels more like feeding me to the wolves."
And I guess the REAL thing I'm struggling with isn't necessarily the circumstances themselves or that people don't have my back...but that it really feels like God doesn't have my back...that he broke his promise and abandoned me. And that's a really scary place to be.
Now, I know all the theological explanations for suffering (dude, I'm a seminary dropout)...blah, blah, blah. But I also know that despite these explanations, at the end of the day, the deepest part of my heart feels unprotected and unsafe - and therefore it has closed off access - holding God at arm's length saying, "He can't be trusted." And none of the reasoning or arguments can convince it otherwise. (And the worst part is that I really wish he COULD be trusted...because without him, I really am completely alone and defenseless in the world. That's a terrifying thought.) But HOW can I trust him when it seems he promises protection but doesn't deliver?
ANALYSIS FROM MY OVERLY-ORGANIZED BRAIN
After MUCH thought, I guess here's the way I see it:
I have 2 conflicting claims. So the way I interpret the situation is dependent on which of those claims is the given.
Claim 1 (God's Word): God said he would protect me from all harm.
Claim 2 (Circumstances): But circumstances show that I'm NOT being protected!
So here are my options:
Option 1: My circumstances are the given.
If my circumstances are the given, then when they tell me I'm NOT being protected, I have to assume that God's Word must be false. He can't be trusted. I'm alone...defenseless...screwed.
Option 2: God's Word is the given.
But if God's Word is the given, then when he says he WILL protect me, I have to assume that he IS PROTECTING ME, even though it doesn't feel like it. In that case, trust means to say, "What I'm experiencing right now MUST BE PROTECTION...and I guess I've just been defining protection incorrectly." (Protection...adventure...I'm noticing a theme regarding definitions here...)
RECONCILING THE INCONCEIVABLE
I really want to go with option 2. But the big question is: How could what I'm experiencing possibly be protection??? I don't really know.
But what I do know is this: If I were standing around obliviously happy, and suddenly my earthly dad came barreling toward me at top speed, lunged, and shoved me roughly into a pile of glass, I would not assume that he was trying to kill me. (Killing me would be pretty out-of-character for him.) Rather, I'd assume that he must have seen some horrible impending peril - like a bus speeding toward me - and even though he knew the pile of glass would hurt, shoving me into it WAS protection from the bigger danger.
And I guess I'm trying to give my heavenly Father the same benefit of the doubt. Even though this year has HURT, maybe shoving me into it is somehow protecting me from a greater danger.
And I think choosing option 2 defines what REAL trust actually is...NOT knowing all the theological reasons/arguments and using them to prove he's still good...but trust is just choosing to bank on the goodness of God even when I CAN'T explain or prove it...even when it's inconceivable.
I don't know. I'm not completely there yet. And I don't know how to get myself to the point of trusting and believing that God IS keeping his promise, even when it doesn't feel like it. But I do know I WANT to trust him and I'm asking him to help me with that. And I guess that's a good place to start.
Every word of God proves true.
He is a shield to all who come to him for protection. (Proverbs 30:5)
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