It's like...there's the Real Jill who's open and lets you in; who's vulnerable, lets you get to know her and wants to know you; who laughs, talks, shows her emotions and tells you what she really wants and feels. And then there's the Turd Jill who won't reveal anything that really matters to her; who's defensive and tries to keep as much hidden from you as possible; who will let you see only one emotion - sarcasm.
For 29 years, Turd Jill was the one most people knew...and that's probably why no one really liked me. (Turd Jill isn't a very inviting person.) Then I had a mid-life crisis, discovered that Jesus was head-over-heels in love with me, and suddenly Real Jill took over. But lately I've seen a lot more of Turd Jill than I'm sure ANYONE wants to see, so I've been pondering what triggers her. I think I've figured it out.
I think the thing that sends Real Jill packing (and activates Turd Jill) is a feeling that I'm under the microscope...that I'm constantly being evaluated and never measuring up.
TURN OFF THE DAMN MICROSCOPE!!!
Often it seems like everything I do is subject to someone's judgment...and I'm always found lacking. So...I'm an inferior person because I haven't seen most movies that others have seen. I'm not as strong/mature of a person because my parents paid my college tuition. I'm not a loving Christian because I don't like meeting new people at parties. I'm selfish because I don't go crazy over gift-giving. I'm a stick-in-the-mud because I'm not in love with Disney. I'm not worthy of dating because I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone. I'm immature because I like white wine better than red. It seems people have an opinion about EVERYTHING.
Even when I'M not the one directly under the microscope, I hear endless negative evaluations of categories into which I fall or may someday fall (leaving me to assume I deserve the same judgment)...like girls who wear leggings as pants, people who post too many pictures on Facebook, people living on the West Side, bad athletes who play anyway and annoy their team, people who are too skinny, people who aren't funny, and people who drive cautiously in the rain. (If YOU had spun and hit a wall 3 times on a rainy day, you might become a little more cautious too. Just sayin'.)
Since the more I reveal about myself, the more likely we are to discover that I fall into one of these negative categories, it usually seems safest for Real Jill to fly under the radar as much as possible. Just keep quiet and maybe no one will notice all your inferior qualities!
Another thing that attracts Turd Jill is when my flaw is pointed out...but even after I've fixed it, I can never live it down. I'm just permanently labeled with the original judgment - a stain on my character that can never be erased. What's worse is when those evaluations were never true in the first place! Like the friend who thinks I'm always scrupulously counting how much money she owes me when we split a bill at a restaurant. Although I've told her time and again that I'm NOT, she insists that I'm some sort of ungenerous miser. I can never live that false judgment down.
Turd Jill ALWAYS comes out when I'm with people who air the dirty laundry of people who aren't there. I doubt that these absentees would want me to know/discuss their deepest struggles, mistakes, and worries...so it makes me wonder what laundry of my own is being aired when I'M not around...and definitely makes me want to hide everything I wouldn't want displayed for the world to see!
But the worst is when Christians talk about whether others are actually hearing/obeying God or just delusional. This one gets me REALLY defensive because I can only imagine that behind my back, I must be called the most delusional Christian of all. (And I know a lot of times I AM delusional...but it sure would be nice to have the grace to just BE delusional once in a while instead of feeling the pressure to perform for the judges' panel.)
Ahhhhhh!!! Real Jill just wants to run away to a deserted island where no one's around to evaluate me - someplace where I have the freedom to hold different opinions, make mistakes, and have weaknesses without them being pointed out and sneered at! When Real Jill escapes, that's when Turd Jill takes over.
THE REAL PROBLEM
But beyond all of that, here's the thing that really brings out Turd Jill: it's this realization that if people can find this much to say about stupid things like Disney, leggings, and wine...imagine how negatively I'd be evaluated if I revealed the things I'm REALLY ashamed of. (And there are some doozies, let me tell you.)
THAT'S the thing that makes me want to hide as much of the real me as possible and that makes me defensively shut down my deepest thoughts and feelings. Deep down, I'm afraid the Real Jill deserves all of these labels:
NOT WORTHY OF RESPECT
INCOMPETENT TO RUN HER LIFE
IMMATURE AND INFERIOR
DELUSIONAL
DOESN'T MEASURE UP
And ultimately, I guess at the core, what I'm really worried about is this: if flawed humans can find this much wrong with me just on the surface...well, then just what kind of verdict is a perfect, holy, all-seeing God going to pass on me? That's a scary thought, and that's why, when I'm feeling evaluated, Turd Jill steps in to protect Real Jill from the scrutiny.
ABRAHAM UNDER THE MICROSCOPE
So while obsessing about my turdiness, I found it extremely surprising when I came across Romans 4, which describes how great of a person Abraham was. Basically it evaluates him as faithful and righteous; it says he never weakened in his faith...that he never wavered in believing God's promises.
Well, that's a pretty stellar evaluation. But the thing that struck me is that IT'S SIMPLY NOT TRUE. I just finished studying Abraham's life in Genesis, and from what I read, Abraham was actually a lot like me...he had A LOT to be ashamed of. He messed up quite often. He was NOT faithful...he fell into fear and lied about the same things over and over again, even though he saw that his lies didn't work. He was NOT righteous...he disbelieved God and took control of his own life, producing an illegitimate son that led to familial discord and ultimately an ethnic conflict that continues to this day! He DID weaken in his faith...he repeatedly asked God to prove that he'd keep his promises. And when you look for good accomplishments to overshadow the failures, you find that Abraham really didn't do much of any consequence at all - basically he wandered around the desert a lot and had a son when he was old. That's it.
All in all, it seems Abraham's verdict should be NOT WORTHY OF RESPECT. He's one of those people over whom we should sit around rolling our eyes and thinking, "If only I were running his life, he'd be way better off."
THAT'S why Romans 4 shocked me...because it's like God completely overlooked all the juicy opportunities to judge him negatively.
Not only that, but every single time Abraham is mentioned in the New Testament, he's evaluated positively. WTF?!?! Here's my question: If it's possible for Abraham to get his mistakes overlooked, is it possible for me too???
Pondering this, I ended up skimming the entire New Testament to see how it talks about guys from the Old Testament. And what I found is that their dirty laundry is NEVER AIRED. In fact, it's like all the stupid things they did are erased, and the only things mentioned are good things! David was an adulterer and a murderer...but Acts 13 summarizes his life by saying he served God's purposes. Jacob was a con man and a manipulator...but Hebrews 11 says he worshiped God. Over and over, God NEVER takes the bait; he always presents these turds in a good light.
GOD'S MICROSCOPE
This whole idea blew me away, so I returned to Romans 4, and was struck by this:
Blessed is the one
whose sin the Lord will never count against them.
It occurred to me that this whole chapter describes how very much God is unlike the evaluative people I know. Contrary to them, he wants to COVER people's mistakes instead of counting them against them. IN FACT, GOD IS COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE OF ALL THE EVALUATIVE PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR REASONS TO DISREGARD ME. God, though he has every reason to label me negatively, is doing everything he can to overlook those labels and call me righteous instead. I guess that's what grace is.
This is really, really good news for someone who doesn't measure up.
But how is it possible? After all, God's not stupid and he's not forgetful. He KNOWS all the ways I fall short. What I concluded is this: It's the Gospel. Jesus switched records with me.
God can look at me (and all my shortcomings) and call me righteous because on the cross he looked at his own Son (and all his accomplishments) and said he didn't measure up. (2 Cor 5:21...God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.)
Incredible, incredible, incredible. It's incredible to think that as much as I HATEHATEHATE being evaluated...there's someone who cares about me so much that he's willing to endure all the microscope scrutiny I deserve so that I don't have to!!!
That's life-changing...in fact, that's what chased away Turd Jill 6 years ago and allowed Real Jill to emerge. After all, who needs a turd when Jesus thinks Real Jill is worth so much???
WHERE TO GO FROM HERE
So I guess my problem right now is...for some reason I'm letting other people's judgments of me ring louder in my ears than God's. The Gospel isn't real enough to me. But how can I change that so Real Jill feels safe enough to come back? I'm not sure. But here are some things I want to try:
1. I need to spend more time with my savior, just listening to him tell me who I am.
2. I need to recognize when I'm feeling condemned and instead of agreeing...I need to tell that frickin' Accuser to SHUT UP!!! (because ultimately I don't think it's really the people's opinions I'm listening to...they're just speakers through which I'm hearing the accusations of my Enemy).
3. It is true...others should NOT be so evaluative of me. But I have no control over that. What I do have control over is my own choice...I can be like the rest of the world and look for opportunities to reveal people's flaws. OR I can be like my Father and look for opportunities to COVER those flaws so that others can feel the incredible relief of grace that I've felt. Maybe in ceasing the judgments and acting more like my Father, I'll feel more connected to him and therefore hear him more clearly.
So...that's where I am.
I say all this knowing that Turd Jill has a REALLY STRONG grip on Real Jill right now, and it may take a while for her to emerge. I also know that I don't have the strength to pull her out on my own...it's the work of the Spirit. But I think if the two of us are in agreement that we'd LIKE to see this happen, there's probably not much that can get in the way.
So watch out. Real Jill may be coming soon to a venue near you.
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