Even Frodo stops to pee

**WARNING...I'm going to say stuff that will make you worry about my mental condition. But I'm not suicidal; just trying to process a bunch of crap...and sometimes it helps to put ALL the thoughts out there (good and bad) and then weed through them.**

Okay, everything I said in my last entry about wanting to take risks and go on an adventure...about how "just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die"...I take it all back.

You see, I had the anticipated conversation and it went way WORSE than I ever could have imagined. Seriously, I'm left wondering what I was possibly thinking!!! This segment of my adventure has ended in complete and utter failure...just like everything else I've done this year.

And you know what? Rejection SUCKS. Failure SUCKS. Discovering that everyone was right when they rolled their eyes behind my back...that SUCKS. Knowing that instead of empathy, I should hear: "That's what you get"...that SUCKS.


QUESTIONING MYSELF

What's even worse is the resulting questions:

• Do I even know how to hear God? I mean, I was so sure I was following him! But now I wonder if I know his voice at all. 
• Am I competent to make decisions and run my life? I mean, this was a pretty big lapse of wisdom. Do I, like Rachel Green, need Monica to make all my decisions for me? Can I possibly trust myself to do the right thing in the future?

• Am I just as bad as all the people that I look at and call delusional? I so often look condescendingly at other people's decisions, knowing that I'm just a little bit smarter and more capable of running their lives. But what if I'm actually on their level and they're justified in doing that very thing to me?
• Am I going to be taken out of the game? Growing up, when I made a fielding error playing softball, Coach Grigsby would remove me from my position to prevent further mistakes and to allow someone better to step in and help the team win the game. Is that what's going to happen to me? Has God finally realized that I'm not good enough to handle my position?

MY GREATEST FEAR

I guess that's my biggest fear right now. I'm pretty convinced that I've been benched - taken out of the game. I couldn't follow the coach's instructions, so I'm a liability and a disappointment to the team, and now the most I can look forward to is sitting in the dugout watching everyone else have fun. I'm not kidding...I'm completely depressed because when I look ahead on my calendar, the greatest excitement I have scheduled is to sit by myself in my condo, watching TV until I die...and I feel powerless to change that.

This has actually always been one of my greatest fears - to live a purposeless existence devoid of connection or excitement. I watched my grandparents spend the end of their lives that way (the highlight of my grandma's week was watching The Sound of Music every single Sunday...woohoo!), and it was horribly depressing to think I might follow in their footsteps.

This fear is accentuated by the fact that I spent many years actually living out the kind of life I dread. You see, I've never been able to make friends at will (believe me, I've tried). I've always had to wait for them to choose me. And I've never been able to make anything else happen in my life either (again, I've tried). I've always just had to wait for excitement to come to me. So when people or plans leave my life, I PANIC because I'm powerless to replace them, and I feel destined to return to the adventure-less, isolated, couch-potato existence I lived for nearly 30 years.

So sure...maybe it's true that just because it burns doesn't mean I'm gonna die...but I think dying would be a BETTER option than wallowing endlessly in a solitary, meaningless existence, with no hope of ever getting out. If "Sound of Music Sundays" are all God has in store for my future...well, I'd almost rather die.


WHAT TO DO?

So...where can I find hope when it seems like the screen in front of me reads: GAME OVER?

(In the past, I've always responded to this fear by finding something - anything! - to break up the monotony...joining another volleyball team, adding another salsa night, etc. But I've learned through experience that those false adventures never satisfy me - and in fact, leave me even more empty - so I don't want to do that this time. Plus, what I really want is to find a way to be satisfied NO MATTER WHAT circumstances I'm in...WITH OR WITHOUT a planned adventure on the horizon. I mean, my gosh...if I can't handle the monotony of life as an able-bodied young woman, how will I POSSIBLY survive old age, injury, or illness? What I need isn't a change of circumstances; what I need is hope...regardless of the circumstances.)

So where does hope come from in the midst of benchwarming? I'm not sure. But 4 thoughts keep coming back to me, and I think they're from the Coach. Here they are:

Regarding hearing God...

• How do you think Moses felt? Maybe I don't need to panic about my inability to recognize God's voice. It's possible that I WAS hearing God correctly after all...even though things didn't turn out the way I expected. I keep thinking about how Moses must have felt each of the TEN times he obeyed God by approaching Pharaoh...only to be shot down every single time. And then how he must have felt when he finally got his people out of slavery...only to have them complain about it and threaten to kill him! He must have been so confused and disappointed. I imagine Moses had to start wondering if he'd been hearing God correctly. He probably thought he'd dropped the ball; that he was incompetent; he probably worried that everyone was thinking he was delusional. After all, why would God tell him to do something, knowing all along that it was going to turn out like THIS? Each time Pharaoh said no, Moses probably worried that he'd heard God incorrectly and his adventure was over. But it WASN'T over. And Moses WASN'T delusional. And Moses WAS able to hear the Lord. It's just that the story wasn't over yet. Things are always confusing when you're still living in the middle of the story. So maybe...just maybe...that could be the case for me, too. Maybe I didn't botch the play. Maybe I did hear God and obey...but I'm just confused right now because I expected different results from what God intended. And maybe I'm still living in the middle of the story and I DID hear God speak and he WILL speak to me again.

• Samuel didn't get benched. (Stolen from Steven Manuel's awesome message...Adventures in Hearing God's Voice) Okay, but maybe I'm not Moses. Maybe I DIDN'T hear God correctly and I DID botch this whole assignment. Well, that doesn't necessarily mean God's going to take me out of the game. After all, there are plenty of people in the Bible who botched stuff, but God didn't bench them or quit talking to them. Take Samuel. Samuel heard God calling him in the middle of the night, but he thought it was Eli, so he responded completely incorrectly...more than once. Yet God didn't stop talking to him. Why? Because instead of focusing on Samuel's mistakes, the thing God zeroed in on was the fact that Samuel had a "Yes" in his heart. He saw someone who WANTED to obey him - even if he didn't do it perfectly - so he came back to Samuel and spoke to him again and again. God must have seen Samuel's willingness and said, "You want to hear my voice! And you're doing what you THOUGHT I wanted you to do. I love that! Next time I'll make it more clear for you." According to Steven Manuel, "With God, there's grace for us to get it wrong." What a relief to think God's more concerned about the attitude of my heart than the perfection of my actions! Maybe God's not an unforgiving coach like Coach Grigsby was.

Regarding an adventure-less life...

• God paid to rescue me from Sound of Music Sundays. The last time I thought I was destined to my grandma's Sound of Music future, a friend randomly sent me this verse: For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors.  And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver.  It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. (1 Pet 1:18-19) When she sent it to me, I was floored by its relevance to the fears I was experiencing! Basically, this verse tells me that I don't need to fear a meaningless life. After all, if Jesus went to that much trouble to SAVE me from the empty life of my grandparents, it seems unlikely that he would suddenly change his mind and decide he wants an empty existence for me after all. I mean, it's not like Jesus paid just a nominal sum to rescue me from that life...no, he paid with his very blood! That must mean he was REALLY committed to saving me from a couch-potato future. In fact, he was so concerned about saving me from an empty life that he was willing to subject HIMSELF to a horrible destiny just so I could have the wonderful destiny that he deserved. So why am I so worried about entrusting my future to him? He's not going to pay top price for something, only to throw it in the trash.

• Even Frodo stops to pee. I've been thinking about epic adventures like Lord of the Rings and such. As looooooong as that trilogy is, it still doesn't show every single thing that happens on their quest. I mean, there had to be times when they stopped to pee, sleep, etc. Those things aren't shown in the movie, though, because they're not exciting. But those lulls in the action had to happen. Every quest has to have lulls in the action. But it would be kind of silly if, every time Frodo stopped to pee, he panicked that his adventure was over. It occurs to me...maybe I expect my adventure to be non-stop excitement, just because that's what it looks like in the movies and those are the parts people describe when they recount their adventure stories. But I'd imagine EVERY adventure story has pee breaks, even if you don't hear about them. So maybe that's where I am right now. Maybe my adventure isn't over for good; maybe I'm just living in the middle of a lull in the action...and instead of panicking, I should be THANKFUL that I have a moment to rest and relieve myself. 

NOW WHAT?

I know these 4 things are true. But as far as actually believing them and having them change my attitude and actions...well, I'm not completely there.

Regarding "hearing God," I'm close. I'd say I believe at about an 8.5 out of 10.

But regarding an "adventure-less life," those truths are really just words to me right now. No matter what I tell myself, I'm still pretty fearful that the life ahead of me is solitary and meaningless. And I have to FORCE myself not to react according to those fears. But I've been preaching these truths to myself relentlessly and asking the Spirit to work them in...and even though I'm not there yet, I know that most deep heart-changes don't happen in an instant. (And honestly, since I've been struggling with this fear for most of my life, I don't expect a sudden turn-around today.)

But I also know that when the Lord sees the "yes" in my heart regarding my desire to listen to HIM rather than fear...no matter how weak that "yes" is right now...well, I think that's all the invitation he needs.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in... 

Revelation 3:20

So I'm stopping to pee. (Cue strange bathroom picture from college.) Let me know if you want my Sound of Music DVD...I don't think I'll be needing it.

It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride; 

Everything (everything) will be just fine; 

Everything (everything) will be all right (all right). 

--Jimmy Eat World 

I've never been so proud to toss my cookies

I'm sitting here about to toss my cookies. I'm nervous because later tonight I'm supposed to have a conversation, and I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. It's a pretty unusual feeling for me...I don't really get nervous that often. But I'm pretty sure God is cheering on my nausea right now.

"Excuse me?" you say...well, let me back up.


TENNIS VS. SWEAT

Growing up, my dad taught me to play tennis. But I was not very good. At the time, I thought I was a horrible athlete. But looking back, I think it's more about the fact that I hated to sweat and avoided it at all costs. I'd exert as little energy as possible...meaning if the ball didn't come to me, I didn't go to the ball. As you can imagine, winning at tennis requires you to allow the possibility of sweating. So if I wanted to win, I needed to sweat. Or I wanted to stay dry, that meant I needed to give up on winning. I could do one or the other, but not both. One goal had to be forfeited...and I chose to forfeit winning.

(Clearly, somewhere along the line I decided sweating is not the end of the world and lifted the perspiration ban, as my two favorite activities are now salsa dancing and sand volleyball...after both of which it's in your best interest to stay out of the smelling vicinity!)

But I've realized recently that there are a lot of other worthwhile goals I forfeit because I'm trying to avoid some displeasurable side effect. 

• I hold back in friendships and relationships because I hate the thought of rejection.
• I avoid unknown or uncertain situations because I hate the thought of failure.
• I am reluctant to obey God because I hate the thought of people thinking I'm stupid or crazy.

It's not that I don't WANT to live and love freely...it's just that, similar to tennis and sweating, one of the goals has to be forfeited, and when it comes down to it, I choose to forfeit the possibility of a great life in favor of a pain-free one.

MAKING A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL...

I can tell you exactly when I made this forfeit, too. I remember standing in my living room 7 years ago as my life was falling apart and turning to my very best friend for support. But instead of giving me the support I expected, she told me my life was a failure...that she didn't think I knew God...that I was no longer worthy of respect...that I wasn't even worthy of other people's friendship. Her words were so painful that I could literally feel them physically. It felt like I'd been hit in the gut...by a semi-truck traveling 100mph. I mean, this was a friend to whom I would have entrusted my very life. We had been inseparable for 10 years. She knew EVERYTHING about me...and knowing that, she labeled me a failure who was unworthy of her time or interest. The pain I felt at those words was greater than any I'd felt before or since.

And I remember standing there that day after she left, vowing, "This is more than I can take. I will NEVER allow myself to feel this way again."

And I meant it. From that time on, I never allowed myself to get too invested in another person. I analyzed all situations and chose not to engage if there was any unknown variable. I refused to take any opportunity if there was the slightest risk of failure. I steered clear of doing anything that might make me look like a bad Christian.

And in so doing, I effectively prevented myself from feeling that unendurable pain ever again. 

(Of course, I also prevented myself from feeling any great love, excitement, freedom or joy since I avoided all situations that might bring those emotions...but I didn't even care, as long as I didn't have to go through that kind of indescribable pain again.)

A CALL TO SWEAT

Recently, though, I've felt that God is calling me to "sweat." It seems like he's telling me that he created me with the potential to be a player of greatness, but I'm forfeiting that potential in order to "stay dry." He's gently challenging me to give up my inferior goals...because you can't win at tennis if you refuse to sweat. These are the some of the things I think he's been saying to me:

• You can't love & be loved if you refuse to risk the hurt of rejection.
• You can't do great things if you refuse to risk failure.
• You can't have an adventure if you refuse to live in the fear of uncertainty.
• You can't follow me if you refuse to be labeled delusional.

And man, oh, man...those statements scare me to DEATH. After all, I really don't know if I could survive another experience like I had in my living room that day 7 years ago.

But there's also something about those statements that breathes life into me...life that got sucked out 7 years ago when I decided to play it safe.

So I've been trying it. Since last November when I asked God for an adventure, I've been allowing myself to "sweat." I've been opening myself to the possibility of rejection. I've been taking risks. I've been venturing into unknown territory. I've been doing things even when people roll their eyes behind my back. And it's been terrifying. (Though at the same time, exhilarating).

Tonight's conversation is an example of one of those times. In a couple of hours, my grand adventure might end in complete and utter failure. I might get rejected. Even if I'm not rejected, I might discover that I was totally off base in thinking this is what God wants me to do. Or even if I am following God, I might be entering rocky, dangerous territory. Or people might think I'm off my rocker. (In fact, it seems likely that any or ALL of these bad outcomes might come to fruition.)

SUCCESS = SWEAT

But the more I think about it, the more I conclude that when God called me on this adventure, the point of it was not necessarily for me to succeed in my endeavors...the point was just to show me that "sweating" isn't so bad after all. The point was to show me that rejection, failure, uncertainty, and delusionality are not the end of the world. The point was to show me that it's better to be out there sweating with him than to stay dry in my little prison cell.

It's like P!nk says: 

"Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die;

You've gotta get up and try, try, try."

(I figure when God and P!nk agree, we MUST be on to something.)

So I'm trying. (And tossing my cookies.) 

But no matter how it turns out, I'm hanging onto the fact that for me, success is just in the trying; not in the results. Success is in going for the ball without getting stuck in the paralysis of calculating the cost. Success is just in trusting God enough to risk...even if I get punched in the gut so hard that I can't even eat my giant medicinal pancakes. Even if everything falls to pieces tonight, I can still label this adventure a success, just because I sprinted for the ball when God told me to.

After all, Romans 8:15-16 says this:

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children."

Deep in my soul, beyond the layers of scar tissue, I know that's what I truly want...to live that resurrection life; to set out on an epic adventure with my Papa...knowing that no matter how it turns out, I'm still his child, and therefore, nothing can really touch me.

And choosing that goal means allowing myself to sweat, get nervous, and toss my cookies. But as much of a mess as I am right now, I really don't know if my Father could ever be prouder than he is at this moment...as I go all out chasing the ball, no matter how sweaty I get...even if I swing and miss!

So here goes nothing...

Hide your underwear...here I come.

My parents' dog Colby puts himself in time-out when he does something wrong. So if you find him cowering in his cage, you know to look around for the chewed-up underwear or the poop. I always think it's funny that he doesn't wait to BE punished; he takes the initiative to put himself "in the doghouse"!

I'M COLBY

But I realized recently that I'm a lot like Colby (though not as cute). When I do something I think God won't like, I assume I'm "in the doghouse," and I cower in the corner until I think I've been thoroughly punished.

So when I have a bad attitude, or drop the ball, or don't live up to expectations, or want something I shouldn't, or feel reluctant to do the right thing...I figure God's annoyed and/or disappointed in me, rolling his eyes, and giving me the silent treatment until I get my act together. I assume I'm in the doghouse.

When I'm in the doghouse, I react like a kid in time-out...

• I get really quiet and "think about what I've done." After all, I figure he doesn't want to talk to me until I start acting the way he wants. (That's the point of the doghouse, right? - to get someone to change their behavior.) So I beat myself up over my offenses. That way he doesn't have to do it for me!
• I avoid most communication with God altogether. I don't want to tell God I love him...because I'm afraid he'll come back with, "Thanks...and I tolerate you." I don't even want to apologize for what I've done, because that would draw attention to my offense...and possibly make him more upset...or even remind him that this should probably be the last straw for me.  
• When I'm in the doghouse, I don't want to cause further displeasure, so I keep a low profile and try not to ask for anything. During those times, I HATE when anyone wants me to pray or talk about God, because that just draws attention to me and what a brat I've been. Since I'm being punished, I feel guilty if I'm happy and I try to stifle it as much as possible.

Basically, I hide sheepishly in the corner - being an un-squeaky wheel - until I think he's over it and I'm back on his good side.

Sometimes I'm not sure if God's disappointed or not...so to be on the safe side, I put myself in the cage anyway. (After all, when someone's in my doghouse but they're oblivious to it, that makes me even MORE mad!!! I ramp up the silent treatment until they notice!) And I certainly don't want to increase God's annoyance, so I figure it can't hurt to stay in the doghouse until I know the coast is clear.

I HATE being in the doghouse. But sometimes I just don't have the willpower or wisdom to do the right thing. Like Colby, I just can't resist the lure of a succulent pair of underwear (or some other tempting equivalent) and that's when I find myself ashamed and frustrated that I'm on God's bad side once again.

WHAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK

Earlier this week I found myself in this position. I knew the wise course of action...and yet I didn't take it. All along I tried to convince myself to do the right thing...but in the end, I just didn't do it. It's not that I did something horribly wrong...I just didn't do much at all. So I figured I let God down - especially since I've made this same mistake multiple times. I imagined he was pretty disappointed in me this time (Will she ever learn?!?!), and that he was gearing up for the silent treatment...so of course I put myself in my cage...by which I mean, I stayed out of sight until I could get my act together - stopped praying, started beating myself up, avoided all mention of God.

Now, being in the doghouse was extremely frustrating, because at that time I really needed to talk to someone about my situation (and usually I go to God) but since I was in the middle of receiving the silent treatment, that was a no go. I really felt that if God could hear all the factors that went into my decision making, maybe he'd understand why I did what I did, and maybe he'd have compassion instead of being annoyed, and maybe he'd be able to help me do the right thing...but how can you explain all of that to someone who doesn't want to hear from you? So I hunkered down to take my punishment, when all of a sudden I had the strangest thought one day at work.

"Who put you in the doghouse?"

It was a weird thought, but I've started to recognize that a lot of my weird thoughts come from God. So I followed the trail.

I answered, "Well, I'm in the doghouse because I didn't make the wise decision. I let you down and I'm being punished, and I know you don't want to hear from me until I get my act together."

But the thought came again: "Not WHY...WHO put you in the doghouse?"

I tried to answer the same as before, but the thought just kept coming again and again..."WHO put you in the doghouse?"...until finally it occurred to me...I actually don't think God put me there. I think just like Colby, I PUT MYSELF IN THE DOGHOUSE. I assumed that's where he wanted me, so I went there myself. Suddenly I was pretty sure that God hadn't turned away from me; on the contrary, I was hiding from him!

SACRILEGIOUS THOUGHTS 

This thought was enough to make me cry...that maybe I don't need to fear the silent treatment every time I let God down...that maybe he doesn't put people in the doghouse...that maybe I can still approach him with confidence (rather than sheepishness) even when I've made mistakes...that maybe even when I'm stupid, he still looks at me with excitement and desire and wants to bless me. What a relief that would be - to have a safe space to take risks and fail sometimes, knowing that I'm still bringing my Father pride; not chagrin or embarrassment!

But something about it seems really sacrilegious. I mean, I BELONG in the doghouse. I HAVE been annoying. I HAVE been a brat. I HAVE been unwise. If I acted this way toward anyone else, I know they'd write me off! So to think I'm allowed to avoid punishment and just act like everything's hunky-dory seems like I'm justifying my bad behavior and letting myself off the hook. It seems like it's irresponsible and prideful NOT to put myself in the doghouse when I've been bad.

This caused me a great deal of internal conflict. On the one hand, I REALLY, REALLY want to believe it. (And the freedom and joy brought by believing it feel the way God's voice usually feels.) But on the other hand, it seems like a cop out. After all, I've spent my entire life trying to avoid people's disfavor. Shouldn't God's be even MORE important to avoid?


MY PONDERINGS

After a lot of thought, I honestly can't say I'm completely comfortable with the idea of letting God down and then still acting as if everything's okay between me and him.

But what I do know is this...the idea that God doesn't put us in the doghouse is POSSIBLE and PROBABLE. I know this because the Bible contains tons of examples of people who should have gotten God's silent treatment but didn't. Consider...

• Jacob - If anybody deserved the silent treatment, it's this guy. He was a manipulator and a con man...ALWAYS concerned with his own advancement, never giving God a thought. Yet instead of snubbing him until he shaped up, God followed Jacob around almost like a puppy tugging at his heels. "Hey, Jacob! Are you ready to talk to me? Hey, Jacob! I want to bless you!" What in the world?! I mean, it's really quite ridiculous. Jacob got pursued and blessed instead of receiving the doghouse treatment he deserved.

• Jonah - Talk about a brat with a bad attitude. First he ran away from God to avoid obeying him...then when he finally did do the right thing, he was so mad about the way it turned out that he threw a temper tantrum and pouted. But instead of expecting Jonah to stay away until he was ready to apologize, God approached Jonah to restore their relationship...while Jonah was still in the middle of his hissy fit! Jonah didn't get time-out; he got a heart-to-heart with his Father who wanted to be close to him, no matter how he was acting.

• Peter - Okay, seriously, this guy pretended he didn't even KNOW Jesus. I can guarantee if someone rejected me like that, they'd be on my blacklist. They'd better not even think of coming around me and acting like everything's okay between us. (And in fact, Peter didn't. He was so ashamed that he skulked off away from everyone else and went back to his old job.) But Jesus didn't leave him in his self-imposed time-out. On the contrary, Jesus went looking for Peter with this whole plan to show him they were still friends by re-enacting key events from their relationship. No doghouse for Peter.

• Adam & Eve - Adam & Eve made a mistake so bad that they broke God's heart and wrecked the entire world and course of human history. If that shouldn't garner God's disgrace, I don't know what would. But when you expect to see God cast them away, what you ACTUALLY find is that they're the ones hiding from God. And God won't have it! He doesn't want them to stay away from him! So he gently calls them out of hiding...asking questions to re-open the lines of communication and to try to woo them back. (Ironically he asks them a question similar to the one he asked me: "WHO told you that you were naked?") And then even after they sidestep God's questions and choose to stay in the doghouse, he lovingly makes them clothing to wear in the doghouse, and then tells them his long-range plan to restore their relationship. That's crazy.

MY CONCLUSIONS

So these examples, among others, have me somewhat convinced that if I'm in the doghouse, it's probably my own doing...not God's. He must still want to be with me, even when I'm a disappointing jerk. But how could this be? Why DOESN'T he get upset and want distance until I mend my ways?

I think it's because of one striking time when someone DID get the silent treatment from God.  

• Jesus - Now here's a guy who definitely did NOT deserve the silent treatment. He never let God down! He did everything perfectly! God even said Jesus was his son "in whom he was well pleased." Jesus deserved the blessing and pursuing that all the other guys got. But instead, on the cross, Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Clearly, Jesus DID get the silent treatment. He was calling out for his Father, but the Father was turning his face away from him...Jesus was experiencing a "doghouse" far worse than any I could ever imagine!

So WHY did Jesus get put in the doghouse? I think this is why...

Isaiah 53:6 describes Jesus when it says, "the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all." So all I can figure is this...God gathered up all the stupid/bratty/unwise/selfish things I was ever going to do (all my iniquity)...and instead of laying it on me, he laid it on Jesus. And then he gave Jesus the silent treatment that that iniquity deserved. And when Jesus took the punishment for those iniquities, that canceled them out. I don't have to pay for them anymore (by cowering sheepishly in the corner) because they've already been paid for.  

Since Jesus took my silent treatment, I can have the warm welcome he deserves.

Incredible. That still seems too-good-to-be-true, but as I was contemplating it, I ran across Hebrews 10:17-18:

"I'll forever wipe the slate clean of their sins.

Once sins are taken care of for good, there's no longer any need to offer sacrifices for them."

And as I pored over the chapter it occurred to me...to continue to place myself in time-out after my slate has been wiped clean is to offer useless sacrifices for sins that no longer exist. It's a waste of time, and frankly, it's an insult to Jesus who went to a lot of trouble to give me a clean slate. I imagined him thinking, "Why the heck did I go to the doghouse for her if she's going to continue to go there herself?! What a waste of my time!"

I don't know. Something about acting like I have a clean slate still seems sacrilegious to me. And it's going to be REALLY TOUGH not to "go to my cage" after a lifetime of cowering there. (After all, the cage seems safer than exposing myself to possible rejection out in the open!) But Hebrews 10:19 also says, "we can now - without hesitation - walk right up to God...because Jesus has cleared the way." And let me tell you, I NEED to walk right up to God and be with him...because the more I stay away, the grumpier, harder, jerkier, and stupider I become. (I know that's not a word...just go with it.)

So I'm coming out. Hide your underwear.