Okay, everything I said in my last entry about wanting to take risks and go on an adventure...about how "just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die"...I take it all back.
You see, I had the anticipated conversation and it went way WORSE than I ever could have imagined. Seriously, I'm left wondering what I was possibly thinking!!! This segment of my adventure has ended in complete and utter failure...just like everything else I've done this year.
And you know what? Rejection SUCKS. Failure SUCKS. Discovering that everyone was right when they rolled their eyes behind my back...that SUCKS. Knowing that instead of empathy, I should hear: "That's what you get"...that SUCKS.
QUESTIONING MYSELF
What's even worse is the resulting questions:
- Do I even know how to hear God? I mean, I was so sure I was following him! But now I wonder if I know his voice at all.
- Am I competent to make decisions and run my life? I mean, this was a pretty big lapse of wisdom. Do I, like Rachel Green, need Monica to make all my decisions for me? Can I possibly trust myself to do the right thing in the future?
- Am I just as bad as all the people that I look at and call delusional? I so often look condescendingly at other people's decisions, knowing that I'm just a little bit smarter and more capable of running their lives. But what if I'm actually on their level and they're justified in doing that very thing to me?
- Am I going to be taken out of the game? Growing up, when I made a fielding error playing softball, Coach Grigsby would remove me from my position to prevent further mistakes and to allow someone better to step in and help the team win the game. Is that what's going to happen to me? Has God finally realized that I'm not good enough to handle my position?
MY GREATEST FEAR
I guess that's my biggest fear right now. I'm pretty convinced that I've been benched - taken out of the game. I couldn't follow the coach's instructions, so I'm a liability and a disappointment to the team, and now the most I can look forward to is sitting in the dugout watching everyone else have fun. I'm not kidding...I'm completely depressed because when I look ahead on my calendar, the greatest excitement I have scheduled is to sit by myself in my condo, watching TV until I die...and I feel powerless to change that.
This has actually always been one of my greatest fears - to live a purposeless existence devoid of connection or excitement. I watched my grandparents spend the end of their lives that way (the highlight of my grandma's week was watching The Sound of Music every single Sunday...woohoo!), and it was horribly depressing to think I might follow in their footsteps.
So sure...maybe it's true that just because it burns doesn't mean I'm gonna die...but I think dying would be a BETTER option than wallowing endlessly in a solitary, meaningless existence, with no hope of ever getting out. If "Sound of Music Sundays" are all God has in store for my future...well, I'd almost rather die.
WHAT TO DO?
So...where can I find hope when it seems like the screen in front of me reads: GAME OVER?
(In the past, I've always responded to this fear by finding something - anything! - to break up the monotony...joining another volleyball team, adding another salsa night, etc. But I've learned through experience that those false adventures never satisfy me - and in fact, leave me even more empty - so I don't want to do that this time. Plus, what I really want is to find a way to be satisfied NO MATTER WHAT circumstances I'm in...WITH OR WITHOUT a planned adventure on the horizon. I mean, my gosh...if I can't handle the monotony of life as an able-bodied young woman, how will I POSSIBLY survive old age, injury, or illness? What I need isn't a change of circumstances; what I need is hope...regardless of the circumstances.)
So where does hope come from in the midst of benchwarming? I'm not sure. But 4 thoughts keep coming back to me, and I think they're from the Coach. Here they are:
Regarding hearing God...
- How do you think Moses felt? Maybe I don't need to panic about my inability to recognize God's voice. It's possible that I WAS hearing God correctly after all...even though things didn't turn out the way I expected. I keep thinking about how Moses must have felt each of the TEN times he obeyed God by approaching Pharaoh...only to be shot down every single time. And then how he must have felt when he finally got his people out of slavery...only to have them complain about it and threaten to kill him! He must have been so confused and disappointed. I imagine Moses had to start wondering if he'd been hearing God correctly. He probably thought he'd dropped the ball; that he was incompetent; he probably worried that everyone was thinking he was delusional. After all, why would God tell him to do something, knowing all along that it was going to turn out like THIS? Each time Pharaoh said no, Moses probably worried that he'd heard God incorrectly and his adventure was over. But it WASN'T over. And Moses WASN'T delusional. And Moses WAS able to hear the Lord. It's just that the story wasn't over yet. Things are always confusing when you're still living in the middle of the story. So maybe...just maybe...that could be the case for me, too. Maybe I didn't botch the play. Maybe I did hear God and obey...but I'm just confused right now because I expected different results from what God intended. And maybe I'm still living in the middle of the story and I DID hear God speak and he WILL speak to me again.
- Samuel didn't get benched. (Stolen from Steven Manuel's awesome message...Adventures in Hearing God's Voice) Okay, but maybe I'm not Moses. Maybe I DIDN'T hear God correctly and I DID botch this whole assignment. Well, that doesn't necessarily mean God's going to take me out of the game. After all, there are plenty of people in the Bible who botched stuff, but God didn't bench them or quit talking to them. Take Samuel. Samuel heard God calling him in the middle of the night, but he thought it was Eli, so he responded completely incorrectly...more than once. Yet God didn't stop talking to him. Why? Because instead of focusing on Samuel's mistakes, the thing God zeroed in on was the fact that Samuel had a "Yes" in his heart. He saw someone who WANTED to obey him - even if he didn't do it perfectly - so he came back to Samuel and spoke to him again and again. God must have seen Samuel's willingness and said, "You want to hear my voice! And you're doing what you THOUGHT I wanted you to do. I love that! Next time I'll make it more clear for you." According to Steven Manuel, "With God, there's grace for us to get it wrong." What a relief to think God's more concerned about the attitude of my heart than the perfection of my actions! Maybe God's not an unforgiving coach like Coach Grigsby was.
Regarding an adventure-less life...
- God paid to rescue me from Sound of Music Sundays. The last time I thought I was destined to my grandma's Sound of Music future, a friend randomly sent me this verse: For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. (1 Pet 1:18-19) When she sent it to me, I was floored by its relevance to the fears I was experiencing! Basically, this verse tells me that I don't need to fear a meaningless life. After all, if Jesus went to that much trouble to SAVE me from the empty life of my grandparents, it seems unlikely that he would suddenly change his mind and decide he wants an empty existence for me after all. I mean, it's not like Jesus paid just a nominal sum to rescue me from that life...no, he paid with his very blood! That must mean he was REALLY committed to saving me from a couch-potato future. In fact, he was so concerned about saving me from an empty life that he was willing to subject HIMSELF to a horrible destiny just so I could have the wonderful destiny that he deserved. So why am I so worried about entrusting my future to him? He's not going to pay top price for something, only to throw it in the trash.
- Even Frodo stops to pee. I've been thinking about epic adventures like Lord of the Rings and such. As looooooong as that trilogy is, it still doesn't show every single thing that happens on their quest. I mean, there had to be times when they stopped to pee, sleep, etc. Those things aren't shown in the movie, though, because they're not exciting. But those lulls in the action had to happen. Every quest has to have lulls in the action. But it would be kind of silly if, every time Frodo stopped to pee, he panicked that his adventure was over. It occurs to me...maybe I expect my adventure to be non-stop excitement, just because that's what it looks like in the movies and those are the parts people describe when they recount their adventure stories. But I'd imagine EVERY adventure story has pee breaks, even if you don't hear about them. So maybe that's where I am right now. Maybe my adventure isn't over for good; maybe I'm just living in the middle of a lull in the action...and instead of panicking, I should be THANKFUL that I have a moment to rest and relieve myself.
NOW WHAT?
I know these 4 things are true. But as far as actually believing them and having them change my attitude and actions...well, I'm not completely there.
Regarding "hearing God," I'm close. I'd say I believe at about an 8.5 out of 10.
But regarding an "adventure-less life," those truths are really just words to me right now. No matter what I tell myself, I'm still pretty fearful that the life ahead of me is solitary and meaningless. And I have to FORCE myself not to react according to those fears. But I've been preaching these truths to myself relentlessly and asking the Spirit to work them in...and even though I'm not there yet, I know that most deep heart-changes don't happen in an instant. (And honestly, since I've been struggling with this fear for most of my life, I don't expect a sudden turn-around today.)
But I also know that when the Lord sees the "yes" in my heart regarding my desire to listen to HIM rather than fear...no matter how weak that "yes" is right now...well, I think that's all the invitation he needs.
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in...
Revelation 3:20
So I'm stopping to pee. (Cue strange bathroom picture from college.) Let me know if you want my Sound of Music DVD...I don't think I'll be needing it.
It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride;
Everything (everything) will be just fine;
Everything (everything) will be all right (all right).
--Jimmy Eat World
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