But this year as I searched for a representative dark outfit, I realized something: I used to say "Love sucks" because I wasn't experiencing it. But this year I think it sucks because I HAVE...and because I've discovered that love is very different from what I always thought it was.
WHAT IS LOVE?
I thought I was in love once. My brother asked me how I knew, and I said, "Because I'm happiest when I'm with him." As I said it, I remember thinking, "That kind of love seems pretty selfish and unstable. What will happen when he doesn't make me happy anymore...or when I don't make him happy?" And of course, that's what happened. I always knew he was using me...but I finally realized I was doing the same thing...using him to feel good about myself...and that relationship is a thing of the past.
But the question has haunted me ever since...What is love? How do you know you love someone? Is love a feeling of happiness? If not, what is it? Basically, I echoed the words of Foreigner to God:
I want to know what love is,
I want you to show me,
I want to feel what love is...
A LESSON IN LOVE
It suddenly occurred to me in the shower this morning that God answered that prayer, and even though I'm still wearing black on Feb. 14, I think I AM experiencing love. It's just that love is different from what I thought it was. Here's my story.
Last year I started dating one of my guy friends. Let's call him Steve. Though I really liked him and we had a lot in common, I knew the relationship wouldn't work because we believed very different stories about life. So reluctantly I told him no. But this guy wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept pursuing me...telling me how much he liked me...telling me he saw a future for us...putting himself out there...asking me to take a risk. He was endearing and hard to refuse.
But I was a hard sell. Thinking I'd scare him off, I told him we needed to read the Bible together, pray together, talk about God together...and that we should hold off on other things until that was working. To my utter shock, he agreed to those terms. And after a lot of prayer, it seemed like God was giving me the green light. I believed God was saying, "This is an opportunity for Steve to know me...and this is an opportunity for you to experience what love really is."
Well, of course I wanted to experience love!!! So we started dating. I was excited and hopeful, but I was also very skeptical about the whole situation, and I tried VERY hard to protect myself from the hurt that I thought was inevitable. That's when God started asking me questions.
Are you willing to give up other options out of respect for him?
When Steve first asked me out, I was working on another "possibility" in our circle of friends. Since I didn't really think Steve and I would last, I didn't want to give up on this possibility! But I HATE when men do that to me - leave their options open - so I didn't want to do that same thing to Steve. That's when I felt like God asked me, "Are you willing to give up your other options - not because you've got a sure thing, but just out of respect for Steve?" That seemed like a selfless and beautiful thing to do, so I said yes. [If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. 1 Cor 13:7 TLB; Love does not dishonor others. 1 Cor 13:5 NIV]
Are you willing to risk being hurt just for the possibility that he might benefit?
But that's when I realized this was going to be complicated. Steve and I frequent the same places. So if we broke up, it would be awkward to continue to see him all the time. Add to that my EXTREME fear of rejection and my skepticism that this was going to work...and basically it seemed inevitable that I was going to get hurt. So I broke up with Steve before we got in too deep. But that's when I felt like God said, "Remember I said this relationship was an opportunity for Steve to meet me. Are you willing to risk being hurt just for the possibility that he might benefit?" I decided that I was, so we got back together. [Love cares more for others than for self. 1 Cor 13:5 Message]
Are you willing to give up your pride for him?
But things got more complicated. I realized that I take a lot of pride in being seen as a "good Christian." And in my mind, good Christians don't date people of other spiritual persuasions. So again I tried to end things. But then God said, "What's worth more to you - your pride or him? Are you willing to give up your pride for him?" And I realized I was willing. I valued him more than I valued my own self-protection, pride and identity. I wanted him more than I wanted a good image. So I said yes. [Love is not proud. 1 Cor 13:4 NIV]
Are you willing to wait for him?
At that point, it was getting exhausting trying to be in the relationship and yet protect myself at the same time. Plus, it wasn't fair to Steve. I needed to decide if I was in or out...no more holding back and pussyfooting around. And I decided I wanted to be all in. So I started the hard work of prying down the walls around my heart. This is not to say that the sacrifices were one-sided. It warmed my heart to see how Steve was stepping outside his comfort zone as well, doing things he wouldn't normally choose...just because he knew I'd like it. For a fleeting moment, I was SO HAPPY. And I wondered if this was love.
And then Steve broke up with me. Out of the blue. Blindsided me. I was devastated. Heartbroken. I was so mad at myself for letting down my guard when I KNEW this was going to happen. I wanted to cast him out of my heart and quit loving him in order to stop the pain. But I didn't really think our story was over yet. That's when God said, "Are you willing to wait for him? Are you willing to leave your heart open and unprotected, not knowing how long it might take?" I decided I was. It was really, really hard, but I waited. [Love is patient. 1 Cor 13:4 NIV]
Are you willing to put his feelings above your need to be right?
Lo and behold, a month later he came back. We talked about why he broke up with me, and it turned out he'd been offended by something I'd said. At first I got really defensive. After all, it seemed like a minor offense to me. I hadn't even meant it the way he took it. And why didn't he TELL me I'd hurt his feelings, rather than just suddenly dropping me?! I started to justify myself and explain why HE was the one in the wrong...and then God said, "Different people are sensitive about different things. Think about times YOU'VE been particularly sensitive and instead of apologizing, people tried to justify themselves...when all you wanted to know was that they CARED that your feelings were hurt. Are you willing to put his feelings above your need to be right?" Man, that was hard. But I was willing. I humbled myself, took the blame, and apologized. [Love does not demand its own way. 1 Cor 13:5 TLB]
Are you willing to forgive?
Shortly thereafter, Steve broke my trust in a way that was the antithesis of the selfless way he'd treated me before. I was so hurt. I knew I had to end things, and in the process, I wanted to make him feel the hurt that I felt. I wanted to label him in my mind as a worthless jerk so I could replace my hurt with self-righteous anger and lock him out of my heart forever. That's when God said, "What Steve did was hurtful. But who are you to judge? He was motivated by fear & insecurity, just as many of your behaviors have been. And the only way to erase fear & insecurity is with unconditional love and forgiveness. Forgiveness means acknowledging the debt he owes you...but then choosing to pay it yourself instead of making him pay it. It means YOU pay down his debt every time you want to lash out but you don't...every time you want to hurt him back but you don't...every time you want to defame him but you don't. Are you willing to forgive?" Though that turned out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, I was willing...because I was more concerned about Steve's wholeness than my own revenge. So while I broke up with him, I did it gently. We prayed together and I promised to continue to treat him as a friend. When others criticized Steve in front of me, I defended him. When I wanted to ignore him, I forced myself to be friendly. I can't say that I did this perfectly. There was a lot of back & forth and struggle...but with each payment I made toward his debt, my anger faded away. [Love is not resentful. It does not hold grudges. 1 Cor 4:5 ESV & TLB]
Are you willing to ascribe worth to him...at cost to yourself if necessary?
Around that time, I heard someone define love as this: Ascribing worth to someone else, at cost to yourself if necessary. And in that moment I realized that if THIS is what love is - a decision rather than a feeling - well, then, I did love Steve. After all, isn't that essentially the question God had been asking me all along: "Are you willing to ascribe worth to him...at cost to yourself if necessary?" I had spent the last year saying yes! And I also realized that this is why love sucks sometimes...because it's not always happy feelings; it's pain and sacrifice. It also sucked to know that despite the fact that I loved Steve, I didn't have him. He didn't love me back.
Are you willing to give up self-protection in order to protect him?
Several months later, however, Steve came back, apologized, and wanted to get back together again. Having recently realized I loved him, you'd think I would have been thrilled! But the fact of the matter is that I was scared to death...because loving someone makes you vulnerable. Rejection hurts much worse when it comes from someone you love than from someone you don't care about. So I slipped back into my self-protective ways. I rebuilt the walls around my heart...and I thought I was being smart. Other people told me that was the wise thing to do! Protect yourself! Never let someone else hurt you! But that's when God said, "The world tells you to protect yourself. But I say you should protect others and let me protect you. And Steve is in the midst of a spiritual battle right now. He needs protection! Are you willing to give up your own self-protection in order to protect him?" I went back and forth for a LONG TIME on this one because it seemed like such a stupid thing to do. But eventually I decided I was willing. [Love is not self-seeking. It always protects. 1 Cor 13:5&7 NIV]
Are you willing to see him for his potential rather than his shortcomings?
But it was too late. Steve had given up on me and gone back with his previous girlfriend. I understood why he couldn't put up with my wishy-washiness...yet the way it all played out was really hurtful. What's worse was the fact that I had to see them together on a weekly basis. That's one of the hardest things I've had to bear. I decided it would be easier if I could one-dimensionalize Steve in my mind - see him as an asshole not worth my time and energy - so I could write him off and be done with the whole mess. So that's what I did. Each time I saw him, instead of feeling the sadness, I trained myself to roll my eyes and whisper, "Jerk." But that's when God said, "What caused your wishy-washiness? Fear. And what caused Steve's actions? Fear. Underneath you two are exactly the same - trembling little children in need of love. And when you receive my love, both of you have the potential for greatness as well! That's what I see when I look at him - the potential of who I made him to be! I'm not denying the shortcomings of Steve's actions, but are you willing to focus on his potential rather than his shortcomings?" Suddenly I had a vision of the pure and vulnerable Steve underneath all the crap the world has piled on him, and it occurred to me that maybe THAT Steve is the true Steve...the one God created him to be and the one God sees. I wanted to see him that way, too. [You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him. 1 Cor 13:7 TLB]
Are you willing to risk rejection for his sake?
Then Steve came back again. Given our history, I was afraid of being rejected again, so I didn't want to get in too deep. But I felt like God was telling me to love Steve openly and wholeheartedly without holding back; that I should both tell him and show him I loved him...without waiting for Steve to do it first. Honestly, this freaked me out because the thing I hate most in life is rejection...and you're making yourself quite vulnerable to it whenever you let someone know you're more invested than they are. I thought I must have heard God wrong. Surely he wouldn't send his daughter unprotected into enemy fire! But then he asked me this: "Is this about you or is this about Steve? Yes, it's risky. But Steve needs someone to show him he's worth the risk. Will you be that for him? Are you willing to risk rejection for his sake?" Geez Louise. All I can think is that God somehow injected his own strength into me in that moment, because I said yes. [Love endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7 ESV]
Are you willing to keep loving him, even if he'll never love you back?
But Steve changed his mind. When he realized how invested I was - and that he wasn't equally invested - he didn't think he was being fair to me. So he ended things. He said it was for my sake, but it didn't feel good to me. It was crushing. I wanted to stop thinking about him forever. I cried out to God, "Please get Steve out of my heart! I can't stand the pain of thinking about him all the time! Get me over him! I don't want to love him anymore!" And this was the answer I got back: "That's understandable. You can forget about him if you want to and that choice would be fine. But remember Steve needs someone to pray for him. Are you willing to leave your heart open enough to love him in that way...even if he'll never love you back?" I didn't want to say yes. I wanted to take God up on Option 1. But then I realized...if I'm not praying for Steve, then who is??? I can't leave him unprotected spiritually! So I chose Option 2. [Love keeps going to the end. Love always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:7 MSG & NIV]
Are you willing to let him go if that's what's best for him?
Though we decided never to get back together, I left my heart open. And that makes things hard, because I still wanted him! So in my typical manipulative fashion, I came up with a plan to change Steve's mind. I wasn't proud of my plan and I didn't share it with anyone else, but I was determined to carry it out. That is, until God said this: "I thought you loved him. To love someone means to do what's best for him, regardless of how that affects you. Here's Steve trying to act with integrity toward you...and you're going to sabotage him?! That's not love. Are you willing to let him go if that's what's best for him?" Man, that was HARD. But I had to say yes. And I loved him by letting him go. [Love doesn't force itself on others. 1 Cor 13:5 MSG]
IT'S A COLD AND IT'S A BROKEN HALLELUJAH
And that brings me up to my experience in the shower this morning. I was upset that Valentine's Day was here again...and once again I'm not experiencing love. But what occurred to me is that I AM experiencing love. It's just that love isn't what I thought it was.
Love isn't a warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness. (I mean, sometimes that comes along with it, but that's not its essence.) Love actually kind of sucks... because essentially, love is an action. It's a decision that requires sacrifice; that requires putting someone else ahead of myself; that requires seeking someone else's happiness rather than my own. (I'm certainly not saying that I've done that perfectly. Far from it!!! But I would say I've definitely done a lot of repenting and growing.)
As Brene Brown says, "People want love to be unicorns and rainbows...but love is hard and controversial. It's trouble. It's rebellious. It's sacrifice." She mentions the song lyric that says, "Love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."
I think that's true. If I'm really LOVING (not just using someone else to make me happy), then while there might be a victory march every once in a while, there's also a lot of coldness and brokenness involved. It kind of sucks. That's what makes me say to God, "I can NEVER put myself through this again. It's not fair!!! How can you expect me to give love when I'm not receiving it???"
RECEIVING LOVE
And here's the answer I got back in the shower: "You're right...you can't give love if you're not receiving it. But how can you possibly say you're not being loved like that?! Consider...
Are you willing to give up other options out of respect for her?
I gave up heaven and my Father's blessing for you!
Are you willing to risk being hurt just for the possibility that she might benefit?
I didn't just risk being hurt; I willing submitted to the 100% certainty of death for your benefit!
Are you willing to give up your pride for her?
I gave up my throne, became a human, endured scorn and betrayal, and let myself get killed for you!
Are you willing to wait for her?
I've been waiting patiently for you since the beginning of time.
Are you willing to put her feelings above your need to be right?
I've endured your continual false accusations without fighting back because I value you more than I value being right.
Are you willing to forgive?
It cost me EVERYTHING to pay the debt you owed me. But I did it because I knew it was the only way to be with you.
Are you willing to ascribe worth to her...at cost to yourself if necessary?
I've ascribed so much worth to you that I've given you my own place at my Father's table.
Are you willing to see her for her potential rather than her shortcomings?
I'm so committed to seeing you as someone who's perfect that I took on your shortcomings so you could take on my perfection!
Are you willing to risk rejection for her sake?
I chose to be rejected by my Father so that you'd never have to be.
Are you willing to keep loving her, even if she'll never love you back?
Even though you continually distrust me and turn away from me, I always work for your good.
As I pondered this, suddenly I was humbled...because as much as love sucks for me, it sucks for God much more! He's given up EVERYTHING to love me...and it's got to be heartbreaking for him when I don't just reject him; I'm completely oblivious to his love at all!!!
And then I remembered this: I haven't always been oblivious to his love. There was a time when I could feel his consuming passion for me so strongly that I couldn't wait to overflow it to someone else so they could experience it too. I even asked God to send me people to whom I could reflect his love! Somehow I just got distracted from that motivation for a little while. But it occurred to me in the shower that God answered that prayer and gave me an opportunity to love someone the way he's loved me.
And suddenly that makes me very happy...1) because God heard me and answered me, and 2) because I realized that I'm looking a lot like my Dad right now (and he's really attractive). So maybe along with suckiness, love actually DOES bring happiness. It's just a different kind of happiness. It's a deeper kind of happiness...the happiness of knowing I'm living in sync with my Creator. And it's a happiness that's a byproduct; not the goal.
I don't know...I'm still working all of this out. I just know this: If love sucks for me, then I guess I'm in good company. :) Happy Valentine's Day!
We love because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:19
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