No, they're not audible. But like Eminem, there is quite often an argument going on in my head.
THE ARGUMENT
This week it went something like this:
- VOICE: You should not be in any kind of leadership role. You're a mess and you don't know what you're talking about. Look at your results...they're mediocre at best. You being there isn't helpful; in some cases it's making things WORSE for the people you're trying to lead! So step down and get help. Let someone lead who knows what they're doing.
- ME (Reaction #1): Oh my gosh, you're right. I AM a mess and I AM often confused. Crap. This is what I've been worried about my whole life - that I'm delusional and I think I'm better than I really am!!! If there's anything I don't want to be, it's delusional! So I'd better stop trying to do anything other than just learn from others. I need to get out right away before I do any more damage.
- ME (Reaction #2): Wait a minute...I've heard this one before. Every time I start to step out and follow God, his Enemy tries this exact same "delusional" argument on me. And it usually works. But I'm not going to fall for it this time. God gave me the gift of teaching in order for me to share it with others. If I don't use that gift, I'm hoarding something he intended for others to benefit from!
- VOICE: Hold it. You're right that you shouldn't hold back when God tells you to lead. But what if he's NOT telling you to lead right now? What if it's God telling you to step down? After all, he does that sometimes. Think about Joseph...God told him he'd be a leader, but then he had to humble and prepare him by sending him into slavery for 40 years. Maybe you're not ready to lead. Maybe you need to be humbled before you can lead. Maybe you need to be removed for the time being so you don't do any more damage.
- ME (Reaction #1): Yikes, you're probably right. It probably is God benching me, and the only reason I don't want to listen is my pride. After all, I know I'm totally unqualified to do the things I'm trying to do. And my close friends have confirmed that I'm unqualified!!! So I'd better step down and stop thinking too highly of myself.
- ME (Reaction #2): But wait! It's true that I'm unqualified...but when did God ever call anyone who was qualified? Look at Abraham, David, Moses, Paul...ALL of them had reasons why they weren't qualified to lead. You know the saying...God doesn't call the qualified; he qualifies the called. So maybe my desire to lead isn't puffed up pride; maybe it's just faith that God can and does work through schmucks.
- VOICE: But what about the evidence? It's not like you're failing in just one endeavor; you're failing in EVERY endeavor. And no one is defending you...not even your close friends or family. So maybe it's time to humble yourself and take the hint. After all, what makes you think you're the ONE person in the world who's above others' advice and perspectives?
And so it goes. The argument continues, but you get the picture. The topic varies, as does the intensity level, but that was this week's installment of "The Monster Under the Bed."
WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?
I know you think I'm cuckoo...I used to think so too. For a long time I tried to cover up and/or ignore the fact that I heard these arguments. But somewhere along the line I started to understand that these voices are not the result of last night's pizza or my own imagination. Rather, tuning in to the spiritual realm in order to hear from God means having a heightened awareness of ALL the voices in the spiritual realm - hearing the voice of God as well as his Enemy. For the most part, I'm able to distinguish between the two. I've learned to recognize the feeling that comes with each voice. The Enemy's voice feels like accusation, despair, cynicism, self-centeredness, pride and bitterness; whereas my Father's voice feels like encouragement, relief, hope, sacrifice, humility and freedom. But sometimes the argument gets so intense it's not so easy to tell who's talking...and that's what happened this week.
And that made me SO MAD at myself. I added my own voice to the mix: "Jill, GET IT TOGETHER and figure this out or everyone will think you're insane. MATURE people don't have this kind of constant inter conflict. MATURE people are steady and assured. MATURE people can tell who's talking to them." After all, what kind of mature person can't tell the difference between God and Satan??? I mean, they're pretty much COMPLETELY opposite ends of the spectrum, right? (So that's just more evidence I shouldn't be leading anything).
Basically this confusion just makes me want to cover my ears and stay away from ALL the voices in my head...because figuring out the argument makes me insane, so I avoid God in an effort to avoid Satan as well.
CHUCK TO THE RESCUE!
To drown out the voices in my head this week, I watched massive amounts of Chuck on Netflix, and though I was trying to avoid the argument, I came across a storyline that helped me make some sense out of my situation. (Chuck is an endearing and totally unrealistic comedy about a guy who had a supercomputer called the Intersect accidentally implanted in his head, and then became a spy. His CIA handler was Sarah, but then, of course, they fell in love and got married.)
Basically in this episode, Sarah gets a bad version of the Intersect in her head which causes amnesia. She can't remember who she is, who Chuck is, or who anyone else is. Quinn is the enemy who implanted the bad Intersect, and once she has amnesia, he comes along and tells her that he's her handler and that Chuck is her enemy. Quinn tells her all the facts about her life, but then he says it's all been just an act. He even shows Sarah videos she made of herself saying that Chuck is just an asset; that she doesn't love him. Quinn tells Sarah to go home and pretend to love Chuck, but then kill him. Of course, when Chuck figures out what's happened, he tries to tell Sarah the truth...that they really do love each other, etc. But Sarah doesn't know who to believe, especially since Quinn gave her evidence.
Though it's a stupid fantasy, I SO RELATED to Sarah in this instance. I kept thinking, "How WOULD you know who to believe if you have no idea who you even are???" As a viewer, I thought, "Listen to Chuck! He loves you! That's the truth!" But Sarah doesn't know that because she's getting conflicting messages. So eventually she just decides to leave the situation altogether because she can't handle the internal conflict.
Then a series of circumstances leads to Quinn shooting at Sarah, but Chuck jumps in front and takes the bullet for her...even though Sarah has been trying to kill him. At this point, Sarah now knows that Chuck is the one who loves her and is telling the truth...but she still decides to leave, because she says even though she "believes" it, she doesn't "feel" it. Chuck is devastated. He keeps saying that the only way she WILL feel it is if she stays with him, and as a viewer you know it, too, but Sarah's so confused that she leaves anyway.
LESSONS FROM CHUCK
So...here are my takeaways from this extremely realistic TV show:
- Maybe when we ate of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, it was like we injected a bad Intersect in our heads...and as a result, part of the curse of the Fall is a type of amnesia...that we no longer know who we are or who God is. Like...maybe we used to love God and walk with him intimately like Chuck and Sarah, and we just can't remember it now. If so, that explains why I'm so confused about the voices in my head. I've got Quinn and Chuck both trying to tell me who I am, and I have no basis to tell me which one is true, or even which one is which! If it's my amnesia causing this type of confusion, then that confusion is NORMAL. It's not a reason to be mad at myself. If I have amnesia, then OF COURSE I'm confused. And it's not my fault Quinn is lying to me.
- But, like Sarah, I did have one of the two take a "bullet" for me. So I DO believe he's the one who loves me. But since right now I can't feel it, I'm still confused and not sure what reality is, and I just want to check out. Like Sarah, though, that's the wrong answer. The only way she's going to remember is if she sticks with Chuck so he can remind her. Same for me. Checking out is not the answer. Checking out is not going to clear up the confusion; it's just ignoring the confusion.
- The scene ends with Chuck just standing in the garden as Sarah walks away. And as the viewer, you're SOBBING, thinking how Chuck must feel as his beloved turns away from him. So, of course, then I started thinking how God must feel when I say, "This is all too much for me," cover my ears and turn away from him, and that made me cry even more. He loves me, so rather than breaking his heart, I want to learn to love him back.
- Sarah is confused and doing crazy things and usually isn't sure how to properly react to situations. She says she's going to go off on a mission alone. But Chuck won't let her because he loves her and he's going to protect her no matter what...and ESPECIALLY now that she's confused. Even though she doesn't know the truth of who she is, HE DOES. And as long as he's with her, she can't go too crazy because HE WON'T LET HER. He'll take care of her. And that made me think...God is more in love with me than Chuck is with Sarah. So I'd have to assume that he WON'T let me go off alone, and that he'll protect me ESPECIALLY now that I'm confused. Even though I don't know the truth right now, HE DOES. I don't know who's speaking to me, but HE DOES. And as long as he's with me, he won't let me go too crazy.
- Although Sarah is the one getting buffetted around, Quinn's REAL enemy is Chuck. CHUCK is the one he's trying to hurt. Sarah is just a pawn in the game. I think it's the same with my Enemy. GOD is the one he's trying to attack; I'm just a pawn. In some strange way, that's comforting to me...I guess because if GOD is the target, then he's the one in charge of winning the "game"; I'm just along for the ride, so to speak. And whereas I know I'm not strong enough to win the game, I know he is. It takes the pressure off.
- Sarah's upset because she doesn't know how to make herself love Chuck again. So she wants to go away. But Chuck realizes that the only way she'll love him again is if he TEACHES her to love him again...if he shows her all the reasons she fell in love with him in the first place. And then he starts telling her their love story, and that's what melts her. And I think it's the same with God...I can't make myself love him. But he can teach me to love him, and he does that by telling me our love story in the Bible. And that's why I love the Bible so much...because hearing that story DOES melt me. So when I'm mad at myself for not loving God the way I'm supposed to, the answer is not to try harder; the answer is to let him tell me our love story and let him woo me again. And that can't happen if I'm staying away from him.
“The days are coming,” declares the Lord,--Jeremiah 31:31-34
“when I will make a new covenant
with the people of Israel
and with the people of Judah.
It will not be like the covenant
I made with their ancestors
when I took them by the hand
to lead them out of Egypt,
because they broke my covenant,
though I was a husband to them,”
declares the Lord.
“This is the covenant I will make with the people of Israel
after that time,” declares the Lord.
“I will put my law in their minds
and write it on their hearts.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people.
No longer will they teach their neighbor,
or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’
because they will all know me,
from the least of them to the greatest,”
declares the Lord.
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