My deepest, darkest secret...

Last week I described my fear of being a loser. Many responded, shocked that I think of myself that way. As I analyzed the disconnect between my perception of myself and theirs, I realized it comes down to this:

You don't know my deepest, darkest secret...You don't know the Original Jill.

You don't know the Jill who existed pre-2006. That's because I rarely accept facebook friends who knew me prior to that time. (So if you slipped through the cracks, consider yourself lucky and don't make yourself known!) You see, Original Jill is very different from the Current Jill you see today. Original Jill hid in the shadows and was afraid of everything. Original Jill was ashamed of herself. Original Jill didn't talk to human beings. Original Jill was desperate, needy, & pathetic. In short, Original Jill was a loser.

Here in 2014, I don't think about her all that much. Honestly, I'd prefer to keep her a secret...but after taking time to recall what she was like and what caused her transformation, I've realized that my 27 years with her definitely shape the way I view myself, God, and life. So while I find it highly unlikely that ANYONE out there is as pathetic as Original Jill, I'm going to bring her out of hiding on the off-chance that someone can relate to her. (I have to say, I'm a little worried that once you meet her, you'll realize you should have rejected me long ago!) But the story of what happened to her is awesome enough to risk that possibility.

So...I think the best approach is to let her describe herself in her own words. The following is a journal entry from March 2006 in which she sums herself up fairly well. It's pretty embarrassing, and I'm still a bit sensitive about it. But I'm sharing it because it's necessary to explain how things changed for me. I'm using fake names and deliberately not tagging my family on this post because the last thing I want to do is blame anyone or make them feel bad. I'm sure there were factors behind their actions that I don't understand. I'm simply telling the way I interpreted these situations to explain how I felt and why. So here's Original Jill:

MARCH 21, 2006 :

The overarching theme of my life is that I'm judged based on my relationships with others, and according to that standard I'm failing.

The first time I remember being rejected was 4th grade when Betsy and Ann started a club that I was deliberately excluded from. That's when I started to think of myself as a nerd, especially when all the other girls started having boyfriends in 5th and 6th grade, but no one liked me. Once I was established in the "nerd group," I started to believe that that was who I was. This was reinforced when my cousin Jamie, whom I had always admired, got way too cool for me. I figured it made sense, since I was a nerd, and she wasn't.

Luckily I had a good relationship with my family. I liked my parents when other kids were embarrassed to be seen with theirs. I fit in with my family...except that my grandma liked my brother far more than she liked me. It made sense, though. He was funny, energetic, athletic and cool, whereas I was just a boring, shy nerd.

I went to a private school for 7th & 8th grade. Everyone there was clinically messed up, while I was a normal girl from a normal family. Obviously, I didn't fit in there. My one friend was Tara, who made fun of me for not knowing all the obscene things she knew. She condescended to be my friend because I needed one, but it was understood that I was just a naïve little girl. At this time, I was rejected by all my childhood friends (Nancy – I’m too good for you because I go to Walnut Hills; Jody – The only time I see you is at softball games; and Jamie – I’m too cool for you). The fact that I was unlikable was confirmed to me the day our teacher told us to say something nice about everyone in the class. The best thing Kemya could say about me was, "When I first met Jill, I didn't like her at all. But now I think she's okay." I figured that was the sentiment of pretty much everyone who knew me.

When I went to high school, I found a group, and though I didn't fit in with most of them, I really liked Amy and Irene. We did a lot together, but I always felt like the outsider when they'd talk about their past experiences together. Still, I much preferred them to the rest of the group, who interrupted me whenever I tried to talk and then looked at me as if what I'd said was the weirdest thing they'd ever heard. Then Irene rejected me. It didn't bother me too much because I was best friends with Amy...until Amy said we couldn't be friends anymore because my family was too normal for me to understand what she was going through in hers. That was one of the lowest points of my life. What good is a girl whose own best friend rejects her?

At the same time, my dad was going through a lot of trouble in his business. Whereas he'd always been one of my confidants - the person I could talk to about anything - he became distant, and I felt like he didn't really want to hear anything I had to say to him. This was when I decided that I don’t have anything worth saying. I mean, my friends interrupted me whenever I spoke, and my dad acted like he didn't care when I said anything. What other conclusion is there?

I became friends with Melissa, but it was clear that this was similar to my middle school friendship with Tara.  She was the cool one, and I was honored to have her hang around with such a nerd. When we graduated, she was done with me and moved on to bigger and better things. Now she pretends we never knew each other.

We can’t forget about Melanie, whose greatest joy in high school was annoying the little nerd girl in health class.  She'd put gum in my chair, threaten to beat me up, etc., all for the entertainment of our class. Even the student teacher helped out by making fun of me, too.

When prom came, I asked 3 guys to go with me – all of whom said no. Of course! Why would they want to go with a nerd with nothing worthwhile to say?  I didn't fit in with the cool people...or even the uncool people, for that matter.

In college I had a group of 5 friends. While I fit in with Gina, I always felt uncomfortable with the others. Sheri and Emily thought I was too immature to tell me anything worthwhile. Jessica interrupted every word I said, made fun of me, and told me that if a person doesn't already have friends, they're not worth becoming a friend. Kate was just far more concerned about her boyfriend. At this point, I didn't feel quite as much like the extreme nerd I'd been, but I still figured it was best not to burden people by being friendly to them, because then they'd have to figure out how to get rid of me politely. I concluded that the best way for me to love people was by staying away from them so they wouldn't be forced to deal with me.

I talked about this with a woman from Campus Crusade. She told me it was a sin to be shy, and that I should just get over it. "Well, that’s great," I thought. "My entire personality is wrong and stupid. This just proves that I shouldn't burden others with myself."

When I graduated, the only friend I had left was Gina. I moved home, where my dad was still in his distant mode. I got a job and liked it okay, but I didn't really fit in there, either. All the young teachers had boyfriends, and as I was told in college, I just can’t understand anything they're saying because I don’t have one myself. Again, I'm just a naïve little nerd.

All my life, I'd gotten along with my brother. When we were young, he looked up to me. By this point, Andy was pretty much grown up, and I really wanted to be friends with him, but I wasn't cool enough. He wouldn't let me be around his friends, and I figured it was because I might embarrass him by saying one of my pointless things or exhibiting my nerdiness. I repeatedly asked him to do things with me, but he said no every time. This just proved that I was unworthy of friendships. My own dad, brother, and grandma didn't want to be around me - much less anyone else.

I moved in with Gina to escape from my moody dad and brother, and things were good for a while. Gina had a friend Anne who let me hang out with her. I was glad to have another companion...though I never said much – and definitely nothing of substance – to her. In fact, I decided that was my game plan. It would be better for everyone if I'd just interject little funny comments, but not try to carry a real conversation.

A year later, Gina, my one friend who I actually talked to about anything, started dating Steve. I was convinced that she'd do the same thing to me as everyone else I'd ever cared about – find someone better and either keep me on out of pity, or just reject me altogether. I decided I’d better find another friend ASAP, so I went on a mission to include Debbie in our group. After Gina and Steve broke up, she, Anne, Debbie, and I became pretty close friends. I really liked them, though they continued to show me I had nothing worthwhile to say by interrupting me whenever I talked. That’s okay, because my expectation of friendship was now to just have a companion so I wouldn't be lonely or be seen as a total nerd. I accepted the fact that no one wanted to hear anything I had to say, so I didn't say anything real.

A while later, Gina started dating Jeff. At the same time, Anne was dating Toby, and I felt like both of my closest friends had found someone much more interesting and worthwhile to spend their time with. They were cool now, and I was still the nerd who had NEVER had a guy like me. And why would a guy like me? Why would anyone ever like me? I was stupid and uncool with nothing to say and no attractive qualities. I went out 3 times with Ryan, but he doesn't really count as a guy. There were the 2 blind dates in high school, and though I didn't really like either one, it was disappointing that they didn't like me just a little. I went out once with Yuri, who then told me he just didn't think we fit in together. What a surprise! I don’t fit in with anyone! I emailed Alex for a while, who also said he didn't think we were a good match. Whatever. So no guys liked me, and now my friends were obviously on a plane above me, since men actually liked them.

I decided I’d better find new friends, since mine were abandoning me. I joined a small group with John, whose biggest love was community. According to him, you're stupid and worthless if you don’t have 20 million friends. Of course, I certainly don’t live up to that standard, so there’s just another example of the theme of my life.

Then we read the book “Waking the Dead.” In the book, John Eldredge said sometimes Satan tells you lies about yourself, and then he rearranges things and influences people to do things so that you'll believe the lies are actually true. I wonder if this could be the case for me. Could it be true that I'm not perpetually worthless; that it's just a lie of Satan and he's been arranging things to make it appear true? If so, that would be life-changing. But it's hard for me to believe that I'm not a worthless idiot with so much evidence to the contrary.

I'm also realizing that this belief about myself contributes to my consistency problem with God. It's hard to believe that God accepts you as you are when NO ONE else does. I feel like my whole life is judged based on my friendships, and I have nothing to show for myself. I don’t fit in with anyone.  The only way I can fake fitting in with people is to stay somewhat distant and removed so that the other person doesn't realize I'm there or that they should reject me. Or I can fit in by being really good at things and being helpful in that way. But I've tried both of these tactics with God, and they don’t work. I don’t want to fake fitting in with God. I want a real relationship. Though I believe God loves me just the way I am, I want to KNOW it. Though I believe my life is not judged based on the number of friends I have, I want to KNOW it. Though I believe in God, I want to KNOW Him.

____________________________________________________________________________

Wow. So that's Original Jill circa 2006. I don't know if it's possible to adequately convey how pathetic I was. I literally DID NOT SPEAK TO HUMANS unless it couldn't be avoided...and when it couldn't, I'd rehearse repeatedly ahead of time. I DREADED meeting new people, because that just meant new people to reject me. I expected to be rejected and prepared for it...because I thought I deserved it. I was convinced that no one liked me...ever. And I always attributed this to my own unworthiness...never to other people's rudeness. I was paralyzed by the voice that constantly whispered to me: "Who you are isn't good enough. You aren't worth anyone's time or interest."

The crazy part is...beneath the layers of scar tissue, defense mechanisms, and poor social skills, I really thought there might be a normal, vibrant, worthwhile girl down there - one worthy of respect - but since no one else seemed interested in looking past the surface, I wasn't sure if that was just wishful thinking.


POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS
My parents tried to encourage me. They'd tell me that people DID like me; that it was all in my head. But that just insulted my intelligence and made things worse! What this said to me was: Not only are you unlikable...but you're also incapable of interpreting reality. Now how does THAT improve my self-image? This wasn't a solution; it was just ignoring the evidence. If you want me to believe that people like me, then explain the 50 million people who have rejected me! Don't just act like I imagined it! (Sorry, I'm getting a little emotional thinking back on it.)

Others said I shouldn't worry what other people think of me; it only matters what I think. But that was ridiculous advice because a) I think I'm a piece of shit! and b) if I think a piece of shit is great, doesn't that just mean I have lower standards? So I'm unlikable...AND I have bad taste. How is that helpful?

Still others said that if people didn't like me, I needed to improve myself. Smile more! Be more outgoing! Look prettier! Be more interesting! So I bought a new wardrobe, developed new talents, read self-improvement books and learned all the tactics. I even taught myself to walk differently! But it was exhausting to put on a permanent act. Besides, this wasn't ME. So even if people liked New & Improved Jill, it didn't prove to me that I was good enough.

The worst was this...I needed someone to like me so that I wouldn't be so desperate and needy. But as long as I was desperate and needy, no one would like me! So where's the solution to that conundrum? I was a mess and it didn't seem there was any hope for Original Jill.


WHAT CHANGED THINGS
So what changed things for me? Well, in 2006, my church did this series called "ID," in which we looked at where we got our identity. That was pretty relevant for me, so I dove in head first. As I pondered some deep questions, the most significant was this:

Q: In your heart of hearts, how do you believe God sees you?
A: Although I know otherwise, I feel like God sees me as pathetic, inconsistent, and boring...just like everyone else does.

Eek. I'm choking back tears just reading my answer from 8 years ago. NO WONDER I was so desperate, needy and pathetic...believing that this was the way my creator saw me. Here's the thing...I knew this wasn't the correct biblical answer. But for the first time in my life, I finally admitted what I actually BELIEVED. And in admitting it, I was finally able to ask God what he really thought...and then HEAR him when he answered.

And I believe he did answer...not audibly, of course. But one day I just had this thought: "Look, more people probably like you than you think. But let's not argue that; it's not the point. The point is this - even if people don't like you or think you're not worth their time or interest, THEY'RE WRONG. I like you. I want to be with you. I say you're good just the way you are. And I'm God, so I'm right." 

It was a thought that just wouldn't go away. It struck me deep in the heart, and it brought life & freedom & joy...and for some reason I just deeply believed it. And since it wasn't a thought I would have EVER come up with myself, and it lined up with the Bible, I figured it must be God. THIS was the word of validation I needed to heal my desperation and neediness...not a word from other people, but from my creator.

I can't say that all my problems were immediately solved or that I suddenly blossomed into a popular social butterfly, but that was the moment when things started to turn around. Though I was SCARED TO DEATH, I started making small decisions to step out based on what God had said. And the more small steps I took, the more I believed it. The biggest change was a sense of confidence and acceptance deep within me. It no longer mattered so much what others thought, and with the pressure off, I was able to step out of my comfort zone and enter the world of human beings. The funny thing is...once I didn't need people to like me, I started to recognize that a lot of people did.

WHERE I AM TODAY
For the past 8 years, I've been learning how to interact normally with human beings. Now a lot of people do like me. I'm still not the charismatic charmer I always wanted to be, but I no longer wake up every day ashamed of who I am. In fact, unless there's a crisis, I usually don't think too much about my identity at all!

Though I occasionally still hear the accusations, God's been teaching me to counteract them by preaching truth to myself. So when I hear the voice whispering, "Who you are isn't good enough," I respond with, "Well, as a matter of fact, you're right. But Jesus switched identities with me and now I have his identity. And that identity is good enough. So there." When I hear, "You aren't worth anyone's time or interest," I say, "Okay, maybe people think that. But if so, they're wrong...because God thinks I'm so worth his time and interest that he moved heaven and earth to rescue me! So there."

The hardest part is that after 27 years of protecting myself, it's hard for me to know normal ways to react to situations. I never know if my natural instinct is right or wrong, so I do a lot of back-and-forth, analysis, and repentance. I know my friends and family get annoyed when I get all flow-charty and occasionally still react like Original Jill would. I get annoyed with myself! But when I think about how far God has brought me, I have to give myself credit for progress.

And God seems VERY interested in my progress this year. I still engage MANY strategies to avoid rejection...and slowly but surely, he's been stripping me of those. It's painful and it makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and stupid. On the other hand...this is a place where I really have to listen to God in order to survive. Because of that, this is the area of my life where he's spoken to me most; where he's shown up for me most; where he's changed me most. I wouldn't trade that for the world! Plus, anything that forces me to rely on him more is actually a strength, I think!

Besides that, God has used my time with Original Jill to improve the way I treat others.
1) As I'm learning how to be human, I REALLY want people to give me grace rather than dismissing me or rolling their eyes when I stumble. So it's only fair for me to extend that same grace to others!
2) I'm extremely loyal to my friends because I don't want ANYONE to experience what I've been through.
3) I run toward the outcast and the loser because I know how terrible it feels to be rejected.
4) I remember how much Original Jill LONGED for someone to look beneath her external presentation to see the core, valuable person within. So today I am passionate about seeing past the surface to the valuable core person in others.

Here's what it all comes down to...
I truly believe that if we were humble enough to drop our fig leaves and admit it, we're really ALL desperate, needy, and pathetic losers. But just like Original Jill, at the same time as we're desperate, needy, and pathetic, we're also LOVED. We're loved passionately by our creator.

And when I see the way he loves me - even when I'm a loser - that brings me out of my shell and makes me fall in love with him, too.

On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, “Live!” --Ezekiel 16:4-6