My delusions of superiority

I noticed a pattern in my life this past weekend. The pattern was this:

I have delusions of superiority.

Basically, in nearly every situation where I have some knowledge or experience, I default to the assumption that I know best; I'm right; I'm in the top category; I'm the authority who can correct others, but who is beyond the need for correction myself.

I noticed this response happening 4 times in just one weekend. Generally, when things show up like that repeatedly in a short span, I figure God wants to say something about it, so I started listening. I'll describe the incidents in order from silliest to most disturbing.



INCIDENT #1
I was in a Cuban salsa class...which is somewhat different from the linear style I typically dance. As I was learning a certain move, the guy leading the class told me I was doing the footwork wrong. But I consider myself a decent dancer. I've been told I follow well, and I've practiced extensively with the best of the best. So when this guy told me I was wrong, my automatic assumption was that if I was doing it wrong, it's only because he was leading me wrong. It was HIS fault. And I told him that.

But as the class went on, I came to realize that I was, in fact, doing the footwork incorrectly. Oops. And it wasn't until I finally humbled myself that I was able to correct it and do it right.

INCIDENT #2
That same weekend, I was at a church event where they described 4 stages of Christian maturity and told us to evaluate which stage we're in right now. As I looked at the 4 stages, my immediate reaction was, "Of course I'm in the top stage! After all, I'm Jill Grear!!! Now let me look for some evidence to support that."

As I looked for that evidence, though, the sad fact was that I found much more to suggest I was in Stage 1 (or Stage -1 if that existed) than Stage 4. Yikes. So I immediately searched for ways to explain away that negative evidence and justify why my initial categorization was correct.

It suddenly occurred to me, though...might it be more realistic to look at the evidence FIRST and use said evidence to evaluate which category I'm in...than to automatically assume I'm in the top category and then look for evidence to support that assumption? What makes me think I'm so great? After all, if anyone else approached it with the automatic assumption that they were on top, I'd consider them delusional. So what does that make me? Hmmm...

INCIDENT #3
The next day at our church service, our pastor spoke about being a hypocrite. When I heard the message, my first reaction was, "This is really good. People need to hear this and stop being hypocrites...especially _____ and ______. How can I make sure they listen to this message?"

But even as I was thinking that, a voice in my head started saying, "Really, Jill??? You're not a hypocrite but everyone else is??? Didn't God tell you to make a certain phone call this weekend? And have you done it? No. Oh, yeah...and what about the fact that you go around telling people how wonderful it is to spend time in the presence of God and listen to him...when's the last time you did that? Riiiiiiiight. And how about the fact that lately you've been deliberately making your best friend look stupid...would you say that's Christlike? Not to mention...what about that thing you KNEW you shouldn't do last weekend, and yet you made excuses for yourself and did it anyway? Who needs to stop being a hypocrite???"

And it suddenly became clear that it's pretty delusional for me to go into the hypocrite judgment business...when I myself am a hypocrite who deserves to be judged.

INCIDENT #4
The fourth incident happened when a friend implied that if people have ever experienced a certain calamity, they're to blame for it because they've allowed bitterness to take root in their lives. I got REALLY offended by this...mainly because my family has experienced this calamity, and I wouldn't be surprised if I personally encountered it at some point in my life. It's bad enough to go through this calamity, but the implication that it's my own fault...that it's a consequence of my own failure...well, that was more than I could take.

I pretty much wanted to shove this friend off a cliff. Who is SHE to tell ME I have bitterness in my life??? Who made her the judge over me??? Doesn't she know who my family is? We're top category Christians, so how could she possibly imply that we somehow deserved this calamity??? And maybe we should take a look at HER life...after all, I could list PLENTY of instances of bitterness in HER life, so maybe she deserves to experience this calamity as well. And isn't it possible this calamity is just a result of living in this screwed up world, not necessarily a punishment or a consequence of my own spiritual failure?

But as I was seething at her audacity to tell ME - Jill Grear - that I have a spiritual problem...I suddenly had this thought, "Well, Jill, DO you have bitterness in your life?" The question just kept reverberating through my heart until I finally calmed down enough to consider the answer. And if I was honest, the answer had to be yes. The next thought that came to me was, "So maybe her approach was bad and maybe her implications are wrong...but wouldn't it be more productive to just admit you have bitterness and ask the Lord to help you with it than to get all up in arms about this affront to your superior spiritual status?" Eek. Probably.


WHY THIS BOTHERED ME
So...these were the 4 incidents that got me thinking.

What bothered me most wasn't so much the fact that I got taken down a few pegs this weekend. The thing that REALLY bothered me was the fact that as long as I'm so concerned with proving I'm superior, I will never be close to God. (Oh, I might THINK I'm close to him because it feels good to see myself as an authority, and I attribute that high to being in God's presence...but in reality, that's self-righteousness; not joy.)


WHO CONNECTS WITH JESUS
See, I've been reading through the Gospels, and something I've realized is this: The people who connect with Jesus...the people who experience true life transformation...the people who receive praise from him...are NEVER the ones who claim to have it all together. It's NEVER the ones who assume they're in the top category. It's NEVER the ones who think they're spiritually superior. The ones who connect with Jesus are ALWAYS the ones who admit they're broken & needy & undeserving.

So, for example, the ones who receive from Jesus are people who say stuff like:
Have mercy on me!
Save me!
Help me!

The ones who receive from Jesus are the blind, the deaf, the lepers, the Samaritan women, the adulterers, the people in need who ADMIT they're in need. They don't waste all their time trying to prove how they're NOT actually blind, deaf, etc. They don't try to convince Jesus of why they deserve respect. They just admit their weaknesses, needs, and failures...and then they ask for his mercy.


WHO DOESN'T CONNECT WITH JESUS
On the other hand, the people who experience complete disconnect from Jesus...the people who go away from him angry and bitter...the people who receive condemnation from him...are the ones who think they know best. It's the ones who think they're in the top category. It's the ones who see everyone else's problems but not their own. It's the ones who get all up in arms at the implication that they have spiritual weaknesses.

The ones who experience complete disconnect from Jesus are people who say stuff like:
We're top-category Christians and we have no spiritual weaknesses! How can you say we need help?(Jn 8:33, Jill's International Version)

The ones who experience complete disconnect from Jesus are the Pharisees. And worst of all, they're the ones who THINK they're closest to God. But in reality, they're the farthest of all. THEY'RE the ones who receive condemnation from Jesus; the helpless never do.

And I realized this weekend that that's what I am - a Pharisee.


WHY DOES JESUS CONNECT WITH THE HELPLESS?
But this seems counterintuitive. Why would being in the good category make me FARTHER from God???

Well, Jesus said he came to:
proclaim good news to the poor.
...to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free...(Luke 4:18)

So basically this says Jesus came to connect with the poor in spirit, the enslaved, the spiritually blind, the oppressed. It doesn't say he came to connect with the top category people who already know everything and have no need for help.

In fact, Jesus said, It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. For I have not come to call the righteous but sinners. (Matt 9:12-13)

Jesus is not a cheerleader who came to root me on in my self-salvation efforts; Jesus is a savior. Jesus is a lifesaver. Jesus is a healer. He doesn't want to leave me in my poor/enslaved/blind/oppressed state. But if I can't admit I'm there in the first place, then basically I have no need for him. As long as I say I'm not sick, I won't see the doctor, and I won't take the medicine. So it's bad enough to be a delusional Stage -1 hypocrite filled with bitterness...but it's way worse to be a delusional Stage -1 hypocrite filled with bitterness who THINKS she's superior...because in that state I don't even know I have a problem.

That's why Jesus says, Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matt 5:3) The poor in spirit are those who realize they have nothing to offer...who KNOW they're in dire straits, and who set aside all their religious posturing and self-justification so that they can turn to someone who can save them.

WHY DO I LIVE IN DELUSIONS OF SUPERIORITY?

So knowing this, why in the world do I continue to live in my delusions of superiority? 

I guess deep down, I believe what makes me acceptable...what makes me a worthwhile person...what makes me worthy of respect...what makes me justified before myself and God is being the best...being in the top category...being strong...being superior. After all, that's the way the world works, right?

But what God is showing me over and over again is that he doesn't work the way the world works.

The Bible doesn't say:

Blessed are the strong, top category people for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. or

Be the best and then God will accept you! or

When you no longer have any problems and weaknesses, THEN you've made it.

On the contrary, it says:

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:10)

Humble yourself before the Lord, and HE will lift you up. 

What I've been doing is trying to lift MYSELF up. And sometimes I fool myself into thinking it's working, but in reality it's just smokescreens. How could I possibly be good enough to impress God???

What I need is to accept the fact that I'm a lost cause and then allow HIM to lift me up...to stop making improvements to my own dilapidated identity and just accept the NEW identity he's offering...the identity of his son.

Of course, doing that is a blow to my pride...after all, I can no longer claim that I've pulled myself up by the boot straps and done it myself. 

That's why I think the greatest step of faith is not to quit my job and move to a foreign country and become a missionary, because in the end, that might just contribute to my delusions of top-categoriness. Rather, I think the greatest step of faith is to admit I'm in the lowest category possible...and that I have NO HOPE of getting out of there myself. The greatest step of faith is to identify myself with the weak sinners. The greatest step of faith is to admit I'm helpless & stupid.

And that's when the healer steps in. Humble yourself before the Lord, and HE will lift you up...but only when I stop trying to lift myself up. Oswald Chambers said: The knowledge of my poverty brings me to the frontier where Jesus Christ works. As long as a man is sufficient for himself, God can do nothing for him.

If that's the case, then that's the frontier where I want to be...the frontier where Jesus is.

The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: “The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that’s the real life.” (Gal 3:11-12)