I've never had a physical near-death experience like that. But right now I feel like I'm lying at the bottom of the emotional equivalent of a 60 ft cliff.
**WARNING: I have no nice little bow to tie up my thoughts. I'm not going to end this entry happily. If you like Hallmark movie endings and people who cover their pain with a happy face, you shouldn't read this. (I know you're thinking I'm melodramatic and I should just get over it. But this IS how I get over it...by writing it out.) And I'm sharing in case someone else has followed God off a cliff and is left lying at the bottom, hurt and confused...because sometimes it helps to know you're not the only one.**
How I fell off the cliff
So...how'd I get so banged up? It's this stupid adventure I asked God for last November. It's like we were at Red River Gorge and I said, "Hey, Dad! Let's do something exciting!" He replied, "I love when my kids want to go adventuring with me! Let's go!" And he started leading me down this path.
It wasn't the kind of adventure I was asking for, so I was hesitant...especially since the farther I went, the more dangerous it appeared. It seemed very unwise to take that trail, and I knew experienced hikers thought I was stupid - that mature hikers would never venture down that way; that God would never take his beloved kids down THIS kind of path. I tended to agree, so God and I had long conversations about it. On the one hand, I was curious to see what was down that trail. But on the other hand, my risk-averse nature screamed, "NO!" and my people-pleasing nature screamed, "Everyone's going to say you're stupid!" So I tried to turn back...many times.
But each time, my Dad kept waving me forward...saying he's seen the end of this trail and it's something amazing I don't want to miss...that he's got my back... that the things we'd accomplish together were beyond my wildest dreams for myself and others! At first I thought I was making it up. After all, this trail definitely wasn't listed in the Christian Field Manual for Safe and Mature Adventures. So how could God possibly lead me that way? I tried to turn around. But he kept beckoning me!
Reaffirming his good plans for the trek, he asked if I was willing to risk injury to get there. Now, I HATE risk. But after counting the cost, I decided I trust my Dad and I'd never be able to live wondering what might have been. So I set out halfheartedly - walking gingerly and leaving a bread crumb trail. But he just kept going faster...telling me to run with him and to throw myself into this adventure wholeheartedly!
I was reluctant, but his enthusiasm was contagious, so eventually I did. For a while I was trail running...and it was awesome to feel the wind in my face! I felt like I experienced true life. I discovered that even though this adventure wasn't safe, it was that very lack of safety that made me hang more closely to my Dad than ever before; listen to him more closely than ever before; get to know him better than ever before...because I HAD to!
Then we came upon the 60 ft cliff. I was terrified and thought it was the end of the road. After all, our only options were to go back home...or to jump off the cliff. Of course I wanted to go back! Surely God wouldn't tell his child to plunge to her death! But after a lot of prayer, I really thought he was calling me forward - challenging me to jump off the cliff. Other people thought so too. I was scared and didn't have a clue HOW he'd pull it off...but he told me to jump, so I trusted that he had it figured out. Still, I was nervous, so I asked him repeatedly to guide my steps...to take control of my decisions and to only let me take the steps he wanted me to take. And then I jumped.
And you know what? I plunged to the ground.
There was no hidden safety net. No soft, smooth landing. Instead, I tumbled off a 60 ft cliff and hit the bottom HARD. At first I was numb...in shock. But soon I started to feel the pain. Each movement revealed another injury. I lay there...scared, hurt, confused. I looked up and realized no one had jumped with me. I was all alone. And whereas after my other falls, I'd still heard my Dad calling me forward with words of hope, this time I heard nothing but silence. And this time I felt a finality...as if this hike is over. I'm not going to see the end of the trail; I'm just waiting for the rescue crew to carry me to the hospital for a long recovery.
So I'm lying here broken. But worse is the mental agony. You see, it's not the fall itself that's got me down...after my broken bones heal, I'll be no worse off than before I embarked on the adventure. And it's not necessarily the fact that I'll never see the end of the trail...after all, I was never completely convinced I wanted to go down this path anyway! What's got me worked up are the following 3 things:
How can God say two opposite things?
First and foremost, I'm REALLY CONFUSED. I don't understand what's going on. After all, I never wanted this particular adventure in the first place. I was the one who kept turning around! So WHY would God try to get my hopes up and lure me down the trail...only to send me off a cliff and end the whole shebang? It makes no sense. It seems like he said 2 completely opposite things: 1) I'm going to lead you to the end of this trail and show you amazing things! 2) We're turning around and we're never going to see the end of this trail. WTF?! HOW CAN GOD SAY 2 OPPOSITE THINGS? I figure there are 3 options:
Option 1: God is cruel. He thinks it's funny to get me excited and then pull the rug out from under me. But that can't be it. I know God's not cruel! I know everything he does is in my best interests. So Option 1 can't be the explanation. I don't believe it.
Option 2: I was completely delusional. God never promised those things in the first place; it's my own misinterpretation. This option seems possible. After all, I'm pretty dumb sometimes. But after 35 years of hearing my Dad's voice, could I really be THIS far off? And why would I make up something when I didn't want it in the first place? I only started wanting it because I thought he wanted me to want it! I don't know. Option 2 is definitely more likely than Option 1. But if this is it, how can I ever trust myself to hear and follow him again? It this is correct, I'll ALWAYS be tiptoeing and leaving bread crumbs...never again able to run with the wind in my face. That's depressing.
Option 3: God said 2 opposite things and meant them both. I don't know how that's possible. But thanks to my good friend Sarah, I keep thinking of the 2 opposites God told Abraham: 1) I'll give you a son and save the world through his line! 2) Your son needs to be sacrificed to atone for the family's debt! Wow. Those are opposites, for sure. But God meant them both...and somehow he made them both true. So maybe that's the case here, too. It's illogical and hard-to-believe, but maybe I'm going to see the end of the trail AND I'm not going any further down the trail. I don't know.
Getting kicked while I'm down
So there I lay, confused and hurt. I didn't want to ask for help, since I knew people would think I got what I deserved. Other friends were bulls in a china closet who'd probably accidentally hurt me worse. But eventually I realized that by myself, I'd die there at the bottom of the cliff. So reluctantly, I called for help.
But I guess I didn't adequately explain the severity of my injuries, because people acted as if I'd simply stumbled, scraped my knee, and was overreacting. Here's the thing...when you've fallen off a 60 ft cliff, you need someone to rush to your side and just sit with you - not offer advice; just hold your hand and cover you with a blanket until the paramedics arrive. But instead, people didn't want to interrupt their own lives to sit at the bottom of a cliff for 10 hours.
Tossing out nuggets:
Rather than sit with me in the pain, they threw out "nuggets" as they passed by, like "Hang in there!" and "Now you've got your answer!" Someone asked, "What have you learned about yourself?" (These responses are fine for someone who's simply stumbled...or fine once I was well into recovery. But for someone who's still writhing in pain at the bottom of the cliff, throwing out these statements without offering to sit and wait seems callous and condescending.) Nuggets without empathy made me feel like I was getting kicked while I was down.
No more adventures:
Then it got worse. As I lay there injured, I realized my adventuring days are over. You see, I really loved this trail (until the fall). After that exhilaration, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied by less exciting hikes! But this fall has totally sucked the strength out of me. So even if God offered me another exciting adventure like this one, I don't think I'd have the energy or desire to do it. I could MAYBE get re-invested in my original hike if the opportunity presented itself, but honestly, I don't think I'd survive another 60 ft drop. So what's left to look forward to? Basically, I don't have the strength for anything except to lie here at the bottom of the cliff and cry. I know that's a bad attitude; that's not the conquering spirit of a good Christian...but that's all I've got. I'm discouraged, depressed and defeated.
"Inspiring" stories:
When I tried to talk through my discouragement, my "helpers" made it worse. They fed me "inspiring" stories of times they'd fallen off cliffs but jumped right back up and started running again! The stories were meant to be encouraging, but in actuality, they just made me feel worse because I'm clearly NOT a superhero like they are.
Getting what I deserve:
Then they said if I didn't get right back up on the horse, I was playing into Satan's hand. OUCH. I mean, that may be true...but for someone who's lying on the ground unable to move due to multiple broken bones, getting up feels like an unattainable goal. I felt like a worthless P.O.S. who not only can't hike correctly, but can't even lie at the bottom of a cliff correctly! Due to my weakness and stupidity, I figured I didn't deserve comfort; I deserved to be spit on and passed by. Then I started to wonder...is that what God's thinking about me too? Is he rolling his eyes and writing me off?
But then I thought of Elijah and Jonah...both of them "fell off cliffs" in which their adventures didn't go as expected. Like me, they both wanted to die. But God didn't immediately talk sense into them and expect them to pull themselves together. Instead, he just comforted them with food and shelter. So is it possible God could look at me with compassion rather than indignation? Maybe. But why don't I FEEL him comforting me? Why don't I feel him AT ALL?
Withstanding the accusations
And that led to the worst agony of all - the accusations. You see, I hated being kicked while I was down, so I sent everyone away. As I lay there alone, I realized this isn't the first time I've fallen off a cliff, and it's not the biggest cliff from which I've fallen! But what makes this fall different is that in the past I've understood WHY I tumbled...it was because I was going down the wrong trail and God NEEDED to knock me off (in love) to put me back on the right path. Those times, even though the fall was PAINFUL, it still felt like part of the plan.
But this time I'd been convinced I was following him! So there was no reason to derail me! All I can think is that this fall wasn't God's intent; it was due to my own ineptness. It's MY OWN FAULT I'm lying at the bottom of the cliff. And that means there's no purpose and no plan...there's just me screwing up what was supposed to be a grand, meaningful adventure. What a failure. The more I thought about it, the more of my own missteps I could identify. I guess God didn't hear me when I asked him to direct my steps, because looking back, it's clear that my own bad decisions hurled me off the cliff.
And then Gollum came along and joined the fun. He started whispering accusations: "This is all your fault! You're here because you messed up. What made you think you were a trail runner, anyway? You're not cut out for this kind of adventure. You WAY overestimated your abilities. You can't be trusted. And now look what you've done! You should have stayed home by yourself where you couldn't cause trouble. The reason you're not feeling God's comfort is because you don't deserve it. You're condemned...and there's nothing you can do about it."
At first I tried to argue, defend myself and prove him wrong. I explained the reasons for my decisions; tried to justify myself; balanced out my mistakes with my successes...but the more he accused, the more I agreed he had a point. I HAD made a lot of mistakes. I DON'T have natural trail running abilities. And I DID cause a lot of trouble. I have no defense against these accusations. He's right. I should be condemned.
But that's a hard pill to swallow, so I tried to drown out the accusations with distractions. That didn't work, though, because in my heart I knew I deserved everything he was saying to me. But how can you survive such an onslaught of condemnation?
In the end, I figured I had only one option. I finally threw up my hands in surrender and admitted, "YOU'RE RIGHT! I did mess up. I made a lot of mistakes. I'm not cut out for this. I don't deserve mercy. But Jesus already paid for all of that. So I'm NOT condemned because he already was."
And that's where I am.
"...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." - Rom 8:1
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