The voices in my head

I hear voices.

No, they're not audible. But like Eminem, there is quite often an argument going on in my head.

THE ARGUMENT
This week it went something like this:

• VOICE: You should not be in any kind of leadership role. You're a mess and you don't know what you're talking about. Look at your results...they're mediocre at best. You being there isn't helpful; in some cases it's making things WORSE for the people you're trying to lead! So step down and get help. Let someone lead who knows what they're doing.

• ME (Reaction #1): Oh my gosh, you're right. I AM a mess and I AM often confused. Crap. This is what I've been worried about my whole life - that I'm delusional and I think I'm better than I really am!!! If there's anything I don't want to be, it's delusional! So I'd better stop trying to do anything other than just learn from others. I need to get out right away before I do any more damage.

• ME (Reaction #2): Wait a minute...I've heard this one before. Every time I start to step out and follow God, his Enemy tries this exact same "delusional" argument on me. And it usually works. But I'm not going to fall for it this time. God gave me the gift of teaching in order for me to share it with others. If I don't use that gift, I'm hoarding something he intended for others to benefit from!

• VOICE: Hold it. You're right that you shouldn't hold back when God tells you to lead. But what if he's NOT telling you to lead right now? What if it's God telling you to step down? After all, he does that sometimes. Think about Joseph...God told him he'd be a leader, but then he had to humble and prepare him by sending him into slavery for 40 years. Maybe you're not ready to lead. Maybe you need to be humbled before you can lead. Maybe you need to be removed for the time being so you don't do any more damage.

• ME (Reaction #1): Yikes, you're probably right. It probably is God benching me, and the only reason I don't want to listen is my pride. After all, I know I'm totally unqualified to do the things I'm trying to do. And my close friends have confirmed that I'm unqualified!!! So I'd better step down and stop thinking too highly of myself.

•  ME (Reaction #2): But wait! It's true that I'm unqualified...but when did God ever call anyone who was qualified? Look at Abraham, David, Moses, Paul...ALL of them had reasons why they weren't qualified to lead. You know the saying...God doesn't call the qualified; he qualifies the called. So maybe my desire to lead isn't puffed up pride; maybe it's just faith that God can and does work through schmucks.

• VOICE: But what about the evidence? It's not like you're failing in just one endeavor; you're failing in EVERY endeavor. And no one is defending you...not even your close friends or family. So maybe it's time to humble yourself and take the hint. After all, what makes you think you're the ONE person in the world who's above others' advice and perspectives?

And so it goes. The argument continues, but you get the picture. The topic varies, as does the intensity level, but that was this week's installment of "The Monster Under the Bed."

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

I know you think I'm cuckoo...I used to think so too. For a long time I tried to cover up and/or ignore the fact that I heard these arguments. But somewhere along the line I started to understand that these voices are not the result of last night's pizza or my own imagination. Rather, tuning in to the spiritual realm in order to hear from God means having a heightened awareness of ALL the voices in the spiritual realm - hearing the voice of God as well as his Enemy. 

For the most part, I'm able to distinguish between the two. I've learned to recognize the feeling that comes with each voice. The Enemy's voice feels like accusation, despair, cynicism, self-centeredness,  pride and bitterness; whereas my Father's voice feels like encouragement, relief, hope, sacrifice, humility and freedom. But sometimes the argument gets so intense it's not so easy to tell who's talking...and that's what happened this week.

And that made me SO MAD at myself. I added my own voice to the mix: "Jill, GET IT TOGETHER and figure this out or everyone will think you're insane. MATURE people don't have this kind of constant inter conflict. MATURE people are steady and assured. MATURE people can tell who's talking to them." After all, what kind of mature person can't tell the difference between God and Satan??? I mean, they're pretty much COMPLETELY opposite ends of the spectrum, right? (So that's just more evidence I shouldn't be leading anything).

Basically this confusion just makes me want to cover my ears and stay away from ALL the voices in my head...because figuring out the argument makes me insane, so I avoid God in an effort to avoid Satan as well.


CHUCK TO THE RESCUE!
To drown out the voices in my head this week, I watched massive amounts of Chuck on Netflix, and though I was trying to avoid the argument, I came across a storyline that helped me make some sense out of my situation. (Chuck is an endearing and totally unrealistic comedy about a guy who had a supercomputer called the Intersect accidentally implanted in his head, and then became a spy. His CIA handler was Sarah, but then, of course, they fell in love and got married.) 

Basically in this episode, Sarah gets a bad version of the Intersect in her head which causes amnesia. She can't remember who she is, who Chuck is, or who anyone else is. Quinn is the enemy who implanted the bad Intersect, and once she has amnesia, he comes along and tells her that he's her handler and that Chuck is her enemy. Quinn tells her all the facts about her life, but then he says it's all been just an act. He even shows Sarah videos she made of herself saying that Chuck is just an asset; that she doesn't love him. Quinn tells Sarah to go home and pretend to love Chuck, but then kill him. Of course, when Chuck figures out what's happened, he tries to tell Sarah the truth...that they really do love each other, etc. But Sarah doesn't know who to believe, especially since Quinn gave her evidence. 

Though it's a stupid fantasy, I SO RELATED to Sarah in this instance. I kept thinking, "How WOULD you know who to believe if you have no idea who you even are???" As a viewer, I thought, "Listen to Chuck! He loves you! That's the truth!" But Sarah doesn't know that because she's getting conflicting messages. So eventually she just decides to leave the situation altogether because she can't handle the internal conflict. 

Then a series of circumstances leads to Quinn shooting at Sarah, but Chuck jumps in front and takes the bullet for her...even though Sarah has been trying to kill him. At this point, Sarah now knows that Chuck is the one who loves her and is telling the truth...but she still decides to leave, because she says even though she "believes" it, she doesn't "feel" it. Chuck is devastated. He keeps saying that the only way she WILL feel it is if she stays with him, and as a viewer you know it, too, but Sarah's so confused that she leaves anyway.


LESSONS FROM CHUCK
So...here are my takeaways from this extremely realistic TV show:

• Maybe when we ate of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, it was like we injected a bad Intersect in our heads...and as a result, part of the curse of the Fall is a type of amnesia...that we no longer know who we are or who God is. Like...maybe we used to love God and walk with him intimately like Chuck and Sarah, and we just can't remember it now. If so, that explains why I'm so confused about the voices in my head. I've got Quinn and Chuck both trying to tell me who I am, and I have no basis to tell me which one is true, or even which one is which! If it's my amnesia causing this type of confusion, then that confusion is NORMAL. It's not a reason to be mad at myself. If I have amnesia, then OF COURSE I'm confused. And it's not my fault Quinn is lying to me.

• But, like Sarah, I did have one of the two take a "bullet" for me. So I DO believe he's the one who loves me. But since right now I can't feel it, I'm still confused and not sure what reality is, and I just want to check out. Like Sarah, though, that's the wrong answer. The only way she's going to remember is if she sticks with Chuck so he can remind her. Same for me. Checking out is not the answer. Checking out is not going to clear up the confusion; it's just ignoring the confusion. 

• The scene ends with Chuck just standing in the garden as Sarah walks away. And as the viewer, you're SOBBING, thinking how Chuck must feel as his beloved turns away from him. So, of course, then I started thinking how God must feel when I say, "This is all too much for me," cover my ears and turn away from him, and that made me cry even more. He loves me, so rather than breaking his heart, I want to learn to love him back. 

• Sarah is confused and doing crazy things and usually isn't sure how to properly react to situations. She says she's going to go off on a mission alone. But Chuck won't let her because he loves her and he's going to protect her no matter what...and ESPECIALLY now that she's confused. Even though she doesn't know the truth of who she is, HE DOES. And as long as he's with her, she can't go too crazy because HE WON'T LET HER. He'll take care of her. And that made me think...God is more in love with me than Chuck is with Sarah. So I'd have to assume that he WON'T let me go off alone, and that he'll protect me ESPECIALLY now that I'm confused. Even though I don't know the truth right now, HE DOES. I don't know who's speaking to me, but HE DOES. And as long as he's with me, he won't let me go too crazy. 

• Although Sarah is the one getting buffetted around, Quinn's REAL enemy is Chuck. CHUCK is the one he's trying to hurt. Sarah is just a pawn in the game. I think it's the same with my Enemy. GOD is the one he's trying to attack; I'm just a pawn. In some strange way, that's comforting to me...I guess because if GOD is the target, then he's the one in charge of winning the "game"; I'm just along for the ride, so to speak. And whereas I know I'm not strong enough to win the game, I know he is. It takes the pressure off.

• Sarah's upset because she doesn't know how to make herself love Chuck again. So she wants to go away. But Chuck realizes that the only way she'll love him again is if he TEACHES her to love him again...if he shows her all the reasons she fell in love with him in the first place. And then he starts telling her their love story, and that's what melts her. And I think it's the same with God...I can't make myself love him. But he can teach me to love him, and he does that by telling me our love story in the Bible. And that's why I love the Bible so much...because hearing that story DOES melt me. So when I'm mad at myself for not loving God the way I'm supposed to, the answer is not to try harder; the answer is to let him tell me our love story and let him woo me again. And that can't happen if I'm staying away from him. 

So...I don't know...I'm still not sure who's talking to me. But I guess I'm just assuming that since God does know, eventually he'll make it clear...I just need to stick with him. 

“The days are coming,” declares the Lord,
    “when I will make a new covenant
with the people of Israel
    and with the people of Judah.
It will not be like the covenant
    I made with their ancestors
when I took them by the hand
    to lead them out of Egypt,
because they broke my covenant,
    though I was a husband to them,”
declares the Lord.
“This is the covenant I will make with the people of Israel
    after that time,” declares the Lord.
“I will put my law in their minds
    and write it on their hearts.
I will be their God,
    and they will be my people.
No longer will they teach their neighbor,
    or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’
because they will all know me,
    from the least of them to the greatest,”
declares the Lord.

--Jeremiah 31:31-34 

The story that makes men shaking mad

This week I told a story that made people cry and call me a rock star. The next day I told the same story and made a man SO MAD he was shaking and couldn't get out full sentences. This is the same story that recently cost me a boyfriend...and that got me a speeding ticket Wednesday night because I was arguing with myself over its validity and didn't notice I was going 74 in a 55. (Don't worry...I didn't try that excuse on Officer Lawson.)

After all this drama, I started to doubt myself and the truth of the story. After all, I've been wrong about a lot of stuff in my life, and the shaking man (a pastor) told me it was heresy! Yikes. This FREAKED ME OUT because I've dedicated my life to spreading this story, and I take very seriously the warning in James 3:1 - Not many of you should become teachers because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. And Matt 18:6 - If anyone causes those who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Um, I don't want to get tossed in the sea. So I was scared to tell the story again until I could convince myself that I had every detail of it ABSOLUTELY right - beyond a shadow of a doubt. See, this story is the lens through which I interpret EVERYTHING, so if I'm wrong, I want to know it (though preferably in a less confrontational manner)! But after a lot of thought and prayer, I've decided:

a) I'll NEVER be 100% sure. After all, I'm human; I'm not God. There is no way for me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this story (or the shaking man's story, for that matter) is true. That's why it's called faith. At some point I just have to decide I'm sure enough to step out on it...and then trust that God's grace will cover me where I'm wrong.
b) I have to step out on SOMETHING. To not make a decision IS to decide. If I choose not to bank my life on THIS story, I still have to bank my life on SOME story. There is no neutral ground.
c) Maybe I DON'T have it completely right. In fact, I probably don't. God is constantly fine tuning my understanding of this story. But if I wait until I have it completely right, I'll never tell it.
d) I AM open to correction. It's not like I made this story up on a whim. I've spent countless hours studying the Bible, exploring it with others, reading books, listening to teachers, and asking God to replace lies with truth. I HAVE repented and changed my mind when I've realized I was wrong.

So in the end, here's all I can say. It's possible I have parts of this story wrong. But I'm certain enough about the gist of it that I've banked my life on it...and in doing so, here are some of the changes I've seen in myself:

• I used to look at people critically and search for their faults. Now I see their potential.
• I used to fly off the handle when things didn't go exactly right. Now I take setbacks in stride.
• I used to suffer utter hopelessness about my future. Now I have hope when things look bad.
• I used to put up a front and hide my flaws from everyone, including myself. Now I'm unashamed to show my TRUE self, including my failures.
• I used to wonder if I was worth anyone's time and interest. Now I know I'm valuable and made for a purpose.
• I used to be embarrassed to talk about God. Now I can't wait to tell people about my Dad.

This story is changing my life. So here it is...this is the story in which I believe I play a small role. I'll word it the best I can. Decide for yourself whether you believe it's true.

THE STORY...

CREATION

In the beginning, God created the world...and it was good. With his own hands, he molded people in his own image and breathed his own life into us. He called us good, and he gave us a home that fit us perfectly - the Garden. Not only were the things God created good, but the relationships between them were good...humanity & God, men & women, humanity & the earth, humanity & life. In fact, God called everything FORCEFULLY good! 

This Garden was a paradise where we walked with God and knew him intimately; where we felt fulfilled; where we had purpose and identity; where we experienced love and companionship; where all relationships were intact; where there was no fear or bitterness; where there was no poverty, injustice, brokenness, misunderstanding, sadness, natural disasters, disease, or death; where we were naked and unashamed; where we were fully known AND fully loved; where everything worked right because the true king was on his throne. This king loved us and did everything with our best interests in mind...even giving us the freedom to choose to love him back rather than making us robots. He thought so highly of us that he commissioned us to join with him in overflowing this forceful goodness to the rest of creation.

FALL
But the king had an enemy who was determined to breach the relationship between us and our good king. He whispered insinuations about God...that he's really not trustworthy...that he's holding out on us...that he doesn't have our best interests in mind...that obeying the king would hold us back. Despite all the goodness we'd seen from God, every single one of us since Eve has believed that lie. Thinking we couldn't trust the king, we overthrew him and placed ourselves on his throne. 

Some of us don't want to admit that we've overthrown the king...but we prove it by acting like rulers: 

• I take authority - Maybe I take God's advice under consideration, but ultimately I have the final say over my decisions. I think I'm the king.
• I take center stage - The way I evaluate all situations and people is based on how it affects ME...because everything revolves around me. I think I'm the king.
• I take the judgment seat - Even if I wasn't there, don't know the whole situation, and have no expertise in that area, I know best what you should do and how things should go. My opinions are facts. I think I'm the king.

With the true king off his throne, everything fell apart. It's like the The Lion King...when Scar took over, everything that had once been beautiful turned dark, burnt, and decayed. 

All those forcefully good relationships were forcefully and catastrophically broken. The relationship between us & ourselves broke - shame entered the world.  The relationship between men & women broke - misunderstanding, manipulation, & selfishness entered the world. The relationship between humanity & the earth broke - nature no longer works to sustain us the way it should. The relationship between humanity & life broke - sickness and death entered the world.  But worst of all, the relationship between us and God broke - we were exiled for our treason, and we broke the king's heart.

PREPARATION
The king grieved because he'd been betrayed by the people he loved. You'd expect him to finish us off or write us off for good! After all, we owed him a huge debt for wrecking his creation and breaking his heart! And no debt can just be forgotten without payment. (Even if you say you "forgive" a debt, that just means you absorb the cost yourself rather than making the offender pay it.) But the king knew if he made us pay the full debt that we owed, we'd be banished forever and he'd never get his beloved back. So the king prepared to do the unthinkable - he prepared to pay the debt HIMSELF...that enormous debt that we owed him. But it wouldn't be easy. When God said, "Let there be light," it happened in a day. But when God said "Let there be forgiveness," it took thousands of years.

To complicate matters, even if our debt was paid, that still wouldn't fix everything. The other problem was this devastated, war-torn creation we were living in. The king knew we'd never be happy living in this ruined world; we'd never be fulfilled as long as the wrong king was in power. So he planned the day when he'd return to retake his throne – not in order to ruthlessly rule as the people feared, but in order to RESTORE the world and his people from the disintegration they were suffering.

In the meantime, God prepared us...by setting up a family to teach us what it's like to walk with him again...by setting up sacrifices to teach us what it's like for a substitute to pay the debt...by setting up a nation to teach us what his kingdom would look like when he returned.

KINGDOM
After a long time, the king came back! He came back to re-establish his kingdom where things are good and where we thrive! But how do you re-establish your rule when the people are still in open rebellion? If the king tried to retake his throne by force, that wouldn't really solve the problem... because more than anything, the king wanted to win our hearts; not the war. He wanted our trust.

So instead of coming in power, he came in weakness; without fanfare. Because of that, many didn't recognize him. He lived among the people, forming relationships, wooing them and winning them over one at a time, until eventually his kingdom went viral.

The kingdom of God is HERE. It exists wherever the king's will is being done. And the will of the king is restoration - of hearts, relationships, families, the earth, life, our connection to the king. That's the good news (the Gospel)...that God is redeeming all the relationships that were broken in the Fall! We can see glimpses of it now...wherever there's restoration of health, wholeness, relationships, nature. And we can see it growing as more and more people submit to the king. I can even see it growing in me as I submit more of my heart to the king.

But the kingdom is not completely fulfilled yet. That's why we can still see brokenness alongside restoration. (Consider The Lion King again...Simba has taken the throne and light is beginning to overtake the darkness.) One day God WILL establish his kingship once and for all, but right now he's giving us a chance to see what he's really like and to choose him.

CROSS
The kingdom of God is VERY GOOD NEWS! It's what we need to heal us from our brokenness! But how can traitors come back in? If we tried to enter the kingdom, we'd be killed on sight for our crimes against the king. This is where God's debt-paying plan came into play. I'll use the following analogy to explain my understanding of it:

As I was wallowing in exile in the wilderness, trying to think of ways to expunge my record or do enough good to cancel out the bad, the king's son came out to meet me. Lovingly, he looked at me said, "Beloved, I want to bring you into my kingdom where you can thrive! But you're dressed in your rebel army uniform. So no matter what you do to try to improve your record, if you walk into the kingdom like that, you'll be identified as a traitor and shot on sight. So let's switch places. I'll take your rebel uniform and put it on me...and then you can take my royal robes and put them on you. Not only that, but let's switch identities entirely! I'll take on your military record of treason, betrayal, and rebellion. And I'll give you MY military record of distinction and glory...you can put my medals of honor around your neck and it will be as if you'd earned all the things I've accomplished." WHAT?!?! I couldn't believe the king's son would want to switch identities with me! Didn't he know the things I'd done??? Didn't he know the things I'd done TO HIM? But he assured me he wanted to do it, and I decided to accept the offer.

So we switched identities...and then we walked into the kingdom together. As we walked in, the king took one look at his son dressed in the rebel uniform and shouted, “Look! A traitor! Take this man away from my presence and execute him immediately!” The prince was understandably distraught. His father had never treated him this way before! He wept as his father turned his face away from him...and he knew that he could stop all of this if he just claimed his true identity. But he didn’t change his mind. He died in my place. 

Then the king looked at me. I was terrified that he'd call me out as a rebel. But as he walked toward me, he took in the crown on my head, the royal robes on my shoulders, and the medals of honor on my chest...and he exclaimed, "Well done, good and faithful servant! This is my son, in whom I am well pleased!" Because I'd received the identity of his son, I was welcomed into the kingdom! In an instant, I went from criminal to dignitary; exile to royalty; dead man walking to citizen of the kingdom! That's what happened on the cross. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

CONFESSION
This is the most incredible thing that's ever happened to us! The way is now cleared for us to enter the kingdom and be in the presence of the king! Even better, the king's son conquered death and rose again...proving that he can restore our relationship to life...and proving that he is the true king.

But in order to live under God's good rule, we have to give up trying to rule ourselves. We have to take ourselves off the throne. We have to confess that HE is Lord. We have to take every aspect of our lives and continually lay it before him. That's a humbling thing to do. But why wouldn't we give up everything for him after he gave up everything for us? Besides, in paying my debt, he proved that he DOES in fact have our best interests in mind. We can trust this king.

ADOPTION
And for those who choose to recognize him as king, he does something amazing. It would have been enough to welcome us as citizens in his kingdom. But he goes way beyond that. He adopts us as sons into his family! That means I can call God my Dad. I can approach him with confidence because our relationship is secure; not based on my performance. I have all the rights, resources, and inheritance of a king's son! As a son, I no longer have to wander in exile; I have a home. I have an identity. I have a place at the table.


SPIRIT
Not only that, but God wanted to restore the worst thing we lost in the Fall...our ability to walk with him on a moment-by-moment basis. So he sent his Spirit to guide us, to teach us, to transform us, and to turn our hearts toward him. 

CHURCH

That's not all. God took all the sons he'd adopted, and he made us into a family - to support each other, to provide for each other, to challenge each other...and to be partners in the family business. God calls his family to work with him on his restoration project - to bring wholeness to the world - by restoring hearts, families, nature, health, systems...and most of all, to restore people's relationship to their true king by making disciples of all nations.

RE-CREATION
One day the king will return in power to establish his good kingdom in fullness. God is bringing heaven to earth. When that happens, everything that was lost at the Fall will be redeemed! Things will be forcefully good again! There will be no more death, sorrow, crying or pain. There will be bountiful provision. We'll finally be completely fulfilled because we'll get our life, meaning, and identity from God. There will be no more shame; no more curse; no more brokenness. There will be peace on earth. We'll have intimacy with God again. We'll realize that everything good we've ever loved has actually been just a small foretaste of the fulfillment he plans to give us in that day. 

On that day, things will work because the true king will be back on his throne. We will flourish because God's home will be with his people. And the king's broken heart will be healed because he'll have his bride at last. 

As Dostoyevsky wrote: I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened. Now that's hope! I don't know exactly what this will all look like, but I know it will be awesome.

So what's he waiting for? He's waiting for more of his sons to come home. And that's why I'm compelled to share this story...in hopes that more of God's exiled kids will be melted by his goodness, surrender, and run home to their father who loves them.

_________________________________________________

That's my story. If it's true, well, it changes EVERYTHING. And if it isn't, well, what do I have to lose? I know nothing I say will convince any angry, shaking people to believe it. (Believe me, I've been that person. If you're already believing a story that puts you on top, you resent any other story that threatens that.) But for the broken...for the empty...for those who are willing to consider that they don't have it all figured out...this story brings life, hope, and power. At least that's what it's doing for me.

If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. -2 Cor 5:13-15

Relationship status: It's complicated

I realize I’ve been a Debbie Downer lately, and I fully intended to turn it around this week. I wrote this whole thing about Psalm 118, thanking God that he’s good even when my circumstances aren't. But I couldn’t post it because it just seemed fake, given the tumultuous nature of our relationship this week.

WHY WE STARTED FIGHTING

Here’s what happened. This past weekend, our pastor talked about the story of a blind guy who asked Jesus for help. Instead of just healing him, Jesus asked, “What is it you want me to do for you?” Brian said Jesus invites us to ask him for stuff. At first this was encouraging and exciting, because lately I've been hearing that message everywhere I go - that God wants me to ask him for big things and to believe that he’ll do them!

Power to Change

This is a foreign concept to me because I NEVER ask ANYONE for ANYTHING. I figure they’ll either a) tell me no and I’ll feel rejected, or b) say yes but do it resentfully. I mean, it’s not often that people joyfully put themselves out to do something for me. I guess I’m just not worth the effort. So rather than give them an opportunity to send me the “not worth it” message, I never ask for anything.

I’m the same with God. I only ask him for things I KNOW he’ll give me, because I don’t want to feel rejected. So for a couple years, I was getting a “yes” to pretty much everything I asked for, because I asked for stuff like, “Cripple me so I can’t run away from you” or “Let me see people the way you see them.” And I think those are good prayers. But recently it seemed like God was inviting me to ask for other things…like he wanted to shower me with abundance, but first I needed to let go of my fear and ask for it. This weekend's message seemed to fit right into that.

But the more I thought about it, the more mad I got, because you know what? Recently I HAVE taken risks and asked Jesus for things and believed he was going to do them…and instead I got left in the cold. As I recalled those times, the blood started boiling inside me, and I wrote this email to a friend: 

I wish God would stop promising me stuff if he's going to take 100 years to carry it out. That's just mean. And the more I think about it, the more I'm SO MAD about Brian's message this weekend...that Jesus wants to know what I want him to do for me. Oh, really???? Why does he want to know that if he's not actually going to do it??? Is it just so he can laugh at me and tell me no? Because that's how it feels...like maybe he would have given that thing to me before, but once I ask for it, then it's DEFINITELY a no. It's almost like I'd rather NOT ask him for anything because then I KNOW I won't get it. At least if I don't ask for it or act like I want it, then I might get it ACCIDENTALLY. I just wish he wouldn't tell me to ask!!!!! Only a cruel bully would tell you to ask them for something when their intent all along is to not give it to you. It would be better for him to not get involved in my life at all than to get involved with the goal of making me more disappointed and empty. I don't want to have anything to do with someone like that. (Deep down I don't believe God is cruel. But right now it feels that way. And I don't know how to reconcile my experience with the truth, so I just needed to get all of that out.)

HOW WE RECONCILED

I mean I was literally seeing red as I pictured God taunting me!!! I wanted him to explain himself; apologize; SOMETHING! But instead he didn't engage in the fight at all. He just led me to a website where I watched this video by Brene Brown that broke down all my defenses: Jesus Wept. It sucked the anger right out of me. Based on that video, here's what I wrote in my next email:

I'm feeling much better about this whole issue. After I got done railing wildly at God yesterday and he didn't do anything but just TAKE it...no bolts of lightning, no defensive arguing back, no slamming the door and leaving me by myself - instead he just TOOK it...I started to feel bad for treating him that way. And then I watched this Brene Brown video, and she talked about how we expect God to take away the pain and discomfort, but instead he often just says, "Let me sit with you in it"...and that's enough. And suddenly I decided that IS enough...because I got this picture of God, and he wasn't laughing and taunting me; instead he looked over at me and saw me kneeling in the dust, crying with disappointment - and he came over and knelt down and started crying with me. And that was a totally different picture of God than the one I'd been SO INCREDIBLY mad at earlier. So...I don't know. I don't feel like I have any resolution to all the issues and questions I listed, but I guess for now I'm just trying to hold on to the feeling I had when I saw God crying with me and knew that was enough. 

Soon after that, I came across this quote by Oswald Chambers: Believe God is always the God you know him to be when you are nearest to him. It seemed God sent that straight to me...like he was saying, "Right now all the evidence seems to indicate I'm a cruel, taunting bully. But remember the times you could feel my arms around you. THAT'S the truth. Hold onto that no matter what." I believed him and chose to bank on the fact that he does have my best interests in mind. So God and I reconciled.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TAKE A BREAK

Soon another opportunity appeared in front of me. Though it was risky, the rewards of success were great, and it seemed like God was saying, "Why don't you ask me for this?" I was scared and unsure, but I did. I asked him, took the risk...and for the 50,000th time I failed. God said no. And this sent me over the edge. I was completely disillusioned and furious with God and myself (fool me once - shame on you; fool me twice - shame on me). I wrote this email to my friend:

Regarding my picture of God sitting with me, crying with me in my disappointment...I'm so over it. I just want to throw up. I think God and I need to take a little break. This is just too much for me. 

See, it's not really the fact that I didn't get that reward. I mean, I've lived just fine without it up until now. It's the fact that once again, God dangled something good in front of me, told me to ask for it...and then yanked it away. I mean, what kind of person does that??? Not anyone I want to be around! Screw that picture of God crying with me in my disappointment!!!  My new picture is of me - a terrified little girl trembling at the edge of the pool, not wanting to get in. And of my dad, standing in the water, reaching out to me, calling me to jump into his arms and reassuring me that he'd catch me...but instead of being there to embrace me, I was greeted by only the cold, deep water, and I ended up sputtering, flailing, and hoping not to drown. I just don't know how to trust someone like that.

If you don't want to give me things, FINE! Then don't tell me to ask! If you don't want to catch me, FINE! Then don't tell me to jump in the fucking water! (Sorry...I don't usually cuss but I don't know how else to express the EXTREME INTENSITY of the betrayal I'm feeling here.) I mean, I was perfectly fine standing on the edge where it was safe...so why would he tell me to jump, knowing he was going to let me crash???

It's not that I'm a spoiled brat whining because God won't cater to my desires; it's that I feel taunted and betrayed and I'm not even sure who God is anymore. And that FREAKS ME OUT, because frankly, I've banked EVERYTHING on his character. Thus my desire for a break...time apart to decide if I want him in my picture.

THE GARDEN
In trying to analyze all this, my first thought was that maybe God never put those things in front of me in the first place. Maybe they were temptations sent by Satan; maybe they weren't actually good things at all! But then I remembered Eve in the Garden of Eden...it wasn't Satan who concocted the forbidden fruit and dangled it in front of her; that fruit was created by God and it was good - yet it was still forbidden. So what in the world does this say about God's character? Is he a taunting bully like he appears?

As I obsessed over this, I realized that Eve's story is the very story I'm experiencing right now. Basically in the Garden, you've got Eve and God in a close, intimate relationship in which they walk together daily. Eve trusts her dad implicitly and bases her whole life on the fact that her dad loves her. Then the serpent comes along. He tries to convince Eve that God was dangling good things in front of her and then yanking them away. Just like me, Eve started to doubt God's intentions toward her. She started to picture him as the taunting bully; as the deadbeat dad in the pool. And as she realized she couldn't count on the one person she'd banked everything on, she panicked.

And suddenly it dawned on me...Satan didn't care so much about getting Eve to eat the fruit; what he cared about was driving a wedge in the relationship between Eve and God. He did that by poisoning Eve's picture of God. The fact that she ate the fruit was just evidence that he'd succeeded.

So I started to wonder if Satan was doing the same thing to me...taking these good things God had created and using them drive a wedge between me and God. If so, he was certainly succeeding in the same way he had with Eve. I mean, the results of Eve's disillusioned picture of God were the same as mine...an overwhelming desire to get away from God; a frantic need to find covering and protection; the decision to take a break.

GETTING BACK TOGETHER AGAIN
So I started thinking about God's response to Eve's request for a break. I'd expect him to justify himself - to explain why he acted the way he did and to prove Satan's lies wrong. But that's not what he does. He doesn't explain himself; he just makes clothes. He sees Eve cold and naked, and he meets her needs - he continues to act according to the character he asked her to trust in the first place. And I felt like God was responding to me in the same way - not giving me the answers I wanted; just sitting down with me and putting a blanket over my shoulders, even as I tried to escape from him.

Then I came across another quote by Oswald Chambers: Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do— He reveals to you who He is. That seemed to reflect my experience. God didn't explain himself or clear anything up; he just continued to act according to the character he'd asked me to trust in the first place. 

And THEN yesterday's daily C.S Lewis reading said this (complete with the name Jill!!!!!):

“Are you not thirsty?” said the Lion.

“I’m dying of thirst,” said Jill.

“Then drink,” said the Lion.

“May I—could I—would you mind going away while I do?” said Jill.

The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.

The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

“Will you promise not to—do anything to me, if I do come?” said Jill.

“I make no promise,” said the Lion.

Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.

“Do you eat girls?” she said.

“I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms,” said the Lion. It didn’t say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

“I daren’t come and drink,” said Jill.

“Then you will die of thirst,” said the Lion.

“Oh dear!” said Jill, coming another step nearer. “I suppose I must go and look for another stream then.”

“There is no other stream,” said the Lion.

It never occurred to Jill to disbelieve the Lion—no one who had seen his stern face could do that—and her mind suddenly made itself up. It was the worst thing she had ever had to do, but she went forward to the stream, knelt down, and began scooping up water in her hand. It was the coldest, most refreshing water she had ever tasted. You didn’t need to drink much of it, for it quenched your thirst at once.

From The Silver Chair Copyright © 1953 

And that's when I realized...he makes no promises or guarantees. He DOES swallow up little girls. He's NOT safe or predictable. But if I don't come to him, I'll die of thirst. There is no other stream. Trusting a wild lion is scary...but NOT trusting the Lion is worse. So God and I are getting back together.

WHAT'S UP WITH ME AND GOD?
But after all this breaking up and reconciling, I have to ask myself...why in the world don't others experience this complicated up and down with God like I do? Why do others seem to coast merrily along, never questioning God or thinking about the relationship much at all? I've concluded it must be one of four reasons:

1. They're too scared to be honest. Some people are just too scared to face the truth, so they pretend the contradictions don't exist.

2. They haven't banked everything on God's character. I think of it this way: To discover that Tiger Woods is a cheating husband is disappointing, but if Tiger Woods is YOUR cheating husband, you attack him with a golf club. Same with God. If he's just a far-off concept to you, it doesn't really matter if your picture of him is challenged. But if he's the very foundation of your identity...well then, of course you're going to be rocked when that foundation is threatened!

3. They haven't experienced much of life. It's easy to blithely exclaim God is good if you've never experienced anything to contradict that. And I guess some people are just lucky enough (or young enough) to have never experienced life yet.

4. They've reached a level of maturity I haven't. Then I think there's a fourth group of people that ARE honest, HAVE banked everything on God's character, and HAVE seen it contradicted...but who've been through enough with him that they trust him anyway. Six months ago, I would have put myself in this category. But I'm finding that I can move in and out of it, depending on the level of challenge I'm experiencing.

In the end, I figure my tumultuous relationship with God puts me in good company. The Psalms show that David certainly experienced the same kinds of highs and lows that I do. Yet God called him a man after his own heart! And then there's John the Baptist. You can see why he'd start to doubt Jesus! The poor guy had banked everything on Jesus...but ended up all alone in prison, waiting to be beheaded, wondering, "WTF? Why haven't you come through for me? Are you actually the one I thought you were?" Yet even though he struggled, Jesus said there was no greater man than John. Clearly God doesn't write people off when the relationship gets complicated.

But to live under a perpetual "It's complicated" label is not real LIFE. So the question is, "How can I move more firmly into category 4?


GETTING TO CATEGORY 4
For me, I'm trying to interpret things through the lens of Job. God SURELY seemed like a taunting bully to Job. But that's only because Job couldn't see behind the scenes...that the whole thing was the result of Satan's challenge to God: "Job only loves you because you do what he wants. If you stop, he'll drop you."

If there's even a 1% chance that the same thing is happening to me...that the devil is asking, "Will she still trust God even when it looks like he's letting her down?"...then I want to prove the devil wrong. I want to show my Dad that I DO still love and trust him NO MATTER WHAT.

Right now it feels like I'm in a plane trying to break the sound barrier. The faster I go, the more I'm violently buffeted. Everything's rattling; it's getting louder and louder; it feels like the pressure might disintegrate the plane! But if I hold on, soon I'll be supersonic. And it will be worth it. (At least I hope so!)

I guess I'm just hanging onto Romans 8:18 - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." If the magnitude of the coming joy will be enough to make up for all this crap...well, then that must be some UNBELIEVABLE coming joy. I can't wait.

Thoughts from the bottom of a 60 ft cliff

Recently my brother's friend was hiking at Red River Gorge when he slipped on ice and fell off a 60 ft cliff. Miraculously he survived, though he has something like 20 million broken bones. After he fell, he waited at the bottom of the cliff for close to 10 hours to be rescued...in the cold...by himself...not knowing what would happen. What a nightmare! I can't imagine the pain, fear and disillusionment he must have felt.

I've never had a physical near-death experience like that. But right now I feel like I'm lying at the bottom of the emotional equivalent of a 60 ft cliff.

**WARNING: I have no nice little bow to tie up my thoughts. I'm not going to end this entry happily. If you like Hallmark movie endings and people who cover their pain with a happy face, you shouldn't read this. (I know you're thinking I'm melodramatic and I should just get over it. But this IS how I get over it...by writing it out.) And I'm sharing in case someone else has followed God off a cliff and is left lying at the bottom, hurt and confused...because sometimes it helps to know you're not the only one.**


How I fell off the cliff
So...how'd I get so banged up? It's this stupid adventure I asked God for last November. It's like we were at Red River Gorge and I said, "Hey, Dad! Let's do something exciting!" He replied, "I love when my kids want to go adventuring with me! Let's go!" And he started leading me down this path.

It wasn't the kind of adventure I was asking for, so I was hesitant...especially since the farther I went, the more dangerous it appeared. It seemed very unwise to take that trail, and I knew experienced hikers thought I was stupid - that mature hikers would never venture down that way; that God would never take his beloved kids down THIS kind of path. I tended to agree, so God and I had long conversations about it. On the one hand, I was curious to see what was down that trail. But on the other hand, my risk-averse nature screamed, "NO!" and my people-pleasing nature screamed, "Everyone's going to say you're stupid!" So I tried to turn back...many times.

But each time, my Dad kept waving me forward...saying he's seen the end of this trail and it's something amazing I don't want to miss...that he's got my back... that the things we'd accomplish together were beyond my wildest dreams for myself and others! At first I thought I was making it up. After all, this trail definitely wasn't listed in the Christian Field Manual for Safe and Mature Adventures. So how could God possibly lead me that way? I tried to turn around. But he kept beckoning me!

Reaffirming his good plans for the trek, he asked if I was willing to risk injury to get there. Now, I HATE risk. But after counting the cost, I decided I trust my Dad and I'd never be able to live wondering what might have been. So I set out halfheartedly - walking gingerly and leaving a bread crumb trail. But he just kept going faster...telling me to run with him and to throw myself into this adventure wholeheartedly!

I was reluctant, but his enthusiasm was contagious, so eventually I did. For a while I was trail running...and it was awesome to feel the wind in my face! I felt like I experienced true life. I discovered that even though this adventure wasn't safe, it was that very lack of safety that made me hang more closely to my Dad than ever before; listen to him more closely than ever before; get to know him better than ever before...because I HAD to!

But then I fell - not a huge drop off a cliff; just a stumble. Though it hurt, I still had confidence that my Trailblazer was with me, had things under control, and was taking us somewhere good - that the hike wasn't over. I stumbled a few more times, and some people said I should get off the trail - that they didn't want to hear me complain if I fell again. Part of me agreed! But each time I turned back, I'd hear my Dad calling me again. In fact, I have a list of 10 different times God told me to have faith and keep going. It even seemed like he wanted me to ASK to see the end of the trail...and to WANT it and EXPECT it! So I did. I started to get very excited and wanted it very much! I started to love this trail as I allowed myself to see the beauty of it. Although my bruises throbbed, I still had confidence, hope and expectancy that at the end of the trail, it would all be worth it.

Then we came upon the 60 ft cliff. I was terrified and thought it was the end of the road. After all, our only options were to go back home...or to jump off the cliff. Of course I wanted to go back! Surely God wouldn't tell his child to plunge to her death! But after a lot of prayer, I really thought he was calling me forward - challenging me to jump off the cliff. Other people thought so too. I was scared and didn't have a clue HOW he'd pull it off...but he told me to jump, so I trusted that he had it figured out. Still, I was nervous, so I asked him repeatedly to guide my steps...to take control of my decisions and to only let me take the steps he wanted me to take. And then I jumped.

And you know what? I plunged to the ground.

There was no hidden safety net. No soft, smooth landing. Instead, I tumbled off a 60 ft cliff and hit the bottom HARD. At first I was numb...in shock. But soon I started to feel the pain. Each movement revealed another injury. I lay there...scared, hurt, confused. I looked up and realized no one had jumped with me. I was all alone. And whereas after my other falls, I'd still heard my Dad calling me forward with words of hope, this time I heard nothing but silence. And this time I felt a finality...as if this hike is over. I'm not going to see the end of the trail; I'm just waiting for the rescue crew to carry me to the hospital for a long recovery.

So I'm lying here broken. But worse is the mental agony. You see, it's not the fall itself that's got me down...after my broken bones heal, I'll be no worse off than before I embarked on the adventure. And it's not necessarily the fact that I'll never see the end of the trail...after all, I was never completely convinced I wanted to go down this path anyway! What's got me worked up are the following 3 things:


How can God say two opposite things?
First and foremost, I'm REALLY CONFUSED. I don't understand what's going on. After all, I never wanted this particular adventure in the first place. I was the one who kept turning around! So WHY would God try to get my hopes up and lure me down the trail...only to send me off a cliff and end the whole shebang? It makes no sense. It seems like he said 2 completely opposite things: 1) I'm going to lead you to the end of this trail and show you amazing things! 2) We're turning around and we're never going to see the end of this trail. WTF?! HOW CAN GOD SAY 2 OPPOSITE THINGS? I figure there are 3 options:

Option 1: God is cruel. He thinks it's funny to get me excited and then pull the rug out from under me. But that can't be it. I know God's not cruel! I know everything he does is in my best interests. So Option 1 can't be the explanation. I don't believe it.

Option 2: I was completely delusional. God never promised those things in the first place; it's my own misinterpretation. This option seems possible. After all, I'm pretty dumb sometimes. But after 35 years of hearing my Dad's voice, could I really be THIS far off? And why would I make up something when I didn't want it in the first place? I only started wanting it because I thought he wanted me to want it! I don't know. Option 2 is definitely more likely than Option 1. But if this is it, how can I ever trust myself to hear and follow him again? It this is correct, I'll ALWAYS be tiptoeing and leaving bread crumbs...never again able to run with the wind in my face. That's depressing.

Option 3: God said 2 opposite things and meant them both. I don't know how that's possible. But thanks to my good friend Sarah, I keep thinking of the 2 opposites God told Abraham: 1) I'll give you a son and save the world through his line! 2) Your son needs to be sacrificed to atone for the family's debt! Wow. Those are opposites, for sure. But God meant them both...and somehow he made them both true. So maybe that's the case here, too. It's illogical and hard-to-believe, but maybe I'm going to see the end of the trail AND I'm not going any further down the trail. I don't know.

Getting kicked while I'm down
So there I lay, confused and hurt. I didn't want to ask for help, since I knew people would think I got what I deserved. Other friends were bulls in a china closet who'd probably accidentally hurt me worse. But eventually I realized that by myself, I'd die there at the bottom of the cliff. So reluctantly, I called for help.

But I guess I didn't adequately explain the severity of my injuries, because people acted as if I'd simply stumbled, scraped my knee, and was overreacting. Here's the thing...when you've fallen off a 60 ft cliff, you need someone to rush to your side and just sit with you - not offer advice; just hold your hand and cover you with a blanket until the paramedics arrive. But instead, people didn't want to interrupt their own lives to sit at the bottom of a cliff for 10 hours.

Tossing out nuggets: 
Rather than sit with me in the pain, they threw out "nuggets" as they passed by, like "Hang in there!" and "Now you've got your answer!" Someone asked, "What have you learned about yourself?" (These responses are fine for someone who's simply stumbled...or fine once I was well into recovery. But for someone who's still writhing in pain at the bottom of the cliff, throwing out these statements without offering to sit and wait seems callous and condescending.) Nuggets without empathy made me feel like I was getting kicked while I was down.

No more adventures: 
Then it got worse. As I lay there injured, I realized my adventuring days are over. You see, I really loved this trail (until the fall). After that exhilaration, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied by less exciting hikes! But this fall has totally sucked the strength out of me. So even if God offered me another exciting adventure like this one, I don't think I'd have the energy or desire to do it. I could MAYBE get re-invested in my original hike if the opportunity presented itself, but honestly, I don't think I'd survive another 60 ft drop. So what's left to look forward to? Basically, I don't have the strength for anything except to lie here at the bottom of the cliff and cry. I know that's a bad attitude; that's not the conquering spirit of a good Christian...but that's all I've got. I'm discouraged, depressed and defeated.

"Inspiring" stories: 
When I tried to talk through my discouragement, my "helpers" made it worse. They fed me "inspiring" stories of times they'd fallen off cliffs but jumped right back up and started running again! The stories were meant to be encouraging, but in actuality, they just made me feel worse because I'm clearly NOT a superhero like they are.

Getting what I deserve:
Then they said if I didn't get right back up on the horse, I was playing into Satan's hand. OUCH. I mean, that may be true...but for someone who's lying on the ground unable to move due to multiple broken bones, getting up feels like an unattainable goal. I felt like a worthless P.O.S. who not only can't hike correctly, but can't even lie at the bottom of a cliff correctly! Due to my weakness and stupidity, I figured I didn't deserve comfort; I deserved to be spit on and passed by. Then I started to wonder...is that what God's thinking about me too? Is he rolling his eyes and writing me off?

But then I thought of Elijah and Jonah...both of them "fell off cliffs" in which their adventures didn't go as expected. Like me, they both wanted to die. But God didn't immediately talk sense into them and expect them to pull themselves together. Instead, he just comforted them with food and shelter. So is it possible God could look at me with compassion rather than indignation? Maybe. But why don't I FEEL him comforting me? Why don't I feel him AT ALL?


Withstanding the accusations
And that led to the worst agony of all - the accusations. You see, I hated being kicked while I was down, so I sent everyone away. As I lay there alone, I realized this isn't the first time I've fallen off a cliff, and it's not the biggest cliff from which I've fallen! But what makes this fall different is that in the past I've understood WHY I tumbled...it was because I was going down the wrong trail and God NEEDED to knock me off (in love) to put me back on the right path. Those times, even though the fall was PAINFUL, it still felt like part of the plan.

But this time I'd been convinced I was following him! So there was no reason to derail me! All I can think is that this fall wasn't God's intent; it was due to my own ineptness. It's MY OWN FAULT I'm lying at the bottom of the cliff. And that means there's no purpose and no plan...there's just me screwing up what was supposed to be a grand, meaningful adventure. What a failure. The more I thought about it, the more of my own missteps I could identify. I guess God didn't hear me when I asked him to direct my steps, because looking back, it's clear that my own bad decisions hurled me off the cliff.

And then Gollum came along and joined the fun. He started whispering accusations: "This is all your fault! You're here because you messed up. What made you think you were a trail runner, anyway? You're not cut out for this kind of adventure. You WAY overestimated your abilities. You can't be trusted. And now look what you've done! You should have stayed home by yourself where you couldn't cause trouble. The reason you're not feeling God's comfort is because you don't deserve it. You're condemned...and there's nothing you can do about it."

At first I tried to argue, defend myself and prove him wrong. I explained the reasons for my decisions; tried to justify myself; balanced out my mistakes with my successes...but the more he accused, the more I agreed he had a point. I HAD made a lot of mistakes. I DON'T have natural trail running abilities. And I DID cause a lot of trouble. I have no defense against these accusations. He's right. I should be condemned.

But that's a hard pill to swallow, so I tried to drown out the accusations with distractions. That didn't work, though, because in my heart I knew I deserved everything he was saying to me. But how can you survive such an onslaught of condemnation?

In the end, I figured I had only one option. I finally threw up my hands in surrender and admitted, "YOU'RE RIGHT! I did mess up. I made a lot of mistakes. I'm not cut out for this. I don't deserve mercy. But Jesus already paid for all of that. So I'm NOT condemned because he already was."

And that's where I am.

"...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." - Rom 8:1