Relationship status: It's complicated

I realize I’ve been a Debbie Downer lately, and I fully intended to turn it around this week. I wrote this whole thing about Psalm 118, thanking God that he’s good even when my circumstances aren't. But I couldn’t post it because it just seemed fake, given the tumultuous nature of our relationship this week.

WHY WE STARTED FIGHTING

Here’s what happened. This past weekend, our pastor talked about the story of a blind guy who asked Jesus for help. Instead of just healing him, Jesus asked, “What is it you want me to do for you?” Brian said Jesus invites us to ask him for stuff. At first this was encouraging and exciting, because lately I've been hearing that message everywhere I go - that God wants me to ask him for big things and to believe that he’ll do them!

Power to Change

This is a foreign concept to me because I NEVER ask ANYONE for ANYTHING. I figure they’ll either a) tell me no and I’ll feel rejected, or b) say yes but do it resentfully. I mean, it’s not often that people joyfully put themselves out to do something for me. I guess I’m just not worth the effort. So rather than give them an opportunity to send me the “not worth it” message, I never ask for anything.

I’m the same with God. I only ask him for things I KNOW he’ll give me, because I don’t want to feel rejected. So for a couple years, I was getting a “yes” to pretty much everything I asked for, because I asked for stuff like, “Cripple me so I can’t run away from you” or “Let me see people the way you see them.” And I think those are good prayers. But recently it seemed like God was inviting me to ask for other things…like he wanted to shower me with abundance, but first I needed to let go of my fear and ask for it. This weekend's message seemed to fit right into that.

But the more I thought about it, the more mad I got, because you know what? Recently I HAVE taken risks and asked Jesus for things and believed he was going to do them…and instead I got left in the cold. As I recalled those times, the blood started boiling inside me, and I wrote this email to a friend: 

I wish God would stop promising me stuff if he's going to take 100 years to carry it out. That's just mean. And the more I think about it, the more I'm SO MAD about Brian's message this weekend...that Jesus wants to know what I want him to do for me. Oh, really???? Why does he want to know that if he's not actually going to do it??? Is it just so he can laugh at me and tell me no? Because that's how it feels...like maybe he would have given that thing to me before, but once I ask for it, then it's DEFINITELY a no. It's almost like I'd rather NOT ask him for anything because then I KNOW I won't get it. At least if I don't ask for it or act like I want it, then I might get it ACCIDENTALLY. I just wish he wouldn't tell me to ask!!!!! Only a cruel bully would tell you to ask them for something when their intent all along is to not give it to you. It would be better for him to not get involved in my life at all than to get involved with the goal of making me more disappointed and empty. I don't want to have anything to do with someone like that. (Deep down I don't believe God is cruel. But right now it feels that way. And I don't know how to reconcile my experience with the truth, so I just needed to get all of that out.)

HOW WE RECONCILED

I mean I was literally seeing red as I pictured God taunting me!!! I wanted him to explain himself; apologize; SOMETHING! But instead he didn't engage in the fight at all. He just led me to a website where I watched this video by Brene Brown that broke down all my defenses: Jesus Wept. It sucked the anger right out of me. Based on that video, here's what I wrote in my next email:

I'm feeling much better about this whole issue. After I got done railing wildly at God yesterday and he didn't do anything but just TAKE it...no bolts of lightning, no defensive arguing back, no slamming the door and leaving me by myself - instead he just TOOK it...I started to feel bad for treating him that way. And then I watched this Brene Brown video, and she talked about how we expect God to take away the pain and discomfort, but instead he often just says, "Let me sit with you in it"...and that's enough. And suddenly I decided that IS enough...because I got this picture of God, and he wasn't laughing and taunting me; instead he looked over at me and saw me kneeling in the dust, crying with disappointment - and he came over and knelt down and started crying with me. And that was a totally different picture of God than the one I'd been SO INCREDIBLY mad at earlier. So...I don't know. I don't feel like I have any resolution to all the issues and questions I listed, but I guess for now I'm just trying to hold on to the feeling I had when I saw God crying with me and knew that was enough. 

Soon after that, I came across this quote by Oswald Chambers: Believe God is always the God you know him to be when you are nearest to him. It seemed God sent that straight to me...like he was saying, "Right now all the evidence seems to indicate I'm a cruel, taunting bully. But remember the times you could feel my arms around you. THAT'S the truth. Hold onto that no matter what." I believed him and chose to bank on the fact that he does have my best interests in mind. So God and I reconciled.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TAKE A BREAK

Soon another opportunity appeared in front of me. Though it was risky, the rewards of success were great, and it seemed like God was saying, "Why don't you ask me for this?" I was scared and unsure, but I did. I asked him, took the risk...and for the 50,000th time I failed. God said no. And this sent me over the edge. I was completely disillusioned and furious with God and myself (fool me once - shame on you; fool me twice - shame on me). I wrote this email to my friend:

Regarding my picture of God sitting with me, crying with me in my disappointment...I'm so over it. I just want to throw up. I think God and I need to take a little break. This is just too much for me. 

See, it's not really the fact that I didn't get that reward. I mean, I've lived just fine without it up until now. It's the fact that once again, God dangled something good in front of me, told me to ask for it...and then yanked it away. I mean, what kind of person does that??? Not anyone I want to be around! Screw that picture of God crying with me in my disappointment!!!  My new picture is of me - a terrified little girl trembling at the edge of the pool, not wanting to get in. And of my dad, standing in the water, reaching out to me, calling me to jump into his arms and reassuring me that he'd catch me...but instead of being there to embrace me, I was greeted by only the cold, deep water, and I ended up sputtering, flailing, and hoping not to drown. I just don't know how to trust someone like that.

If you don't want to give me things, FINE! Then don't tell me to ask! If you don't want to catch me, FINE! Then don't tell me to jump in the fucking water! (Sorry...I don't usually cuss but I don't know how else to express the EXTREME INTENSITY of the betrayal I'm feeling here.) I mean, I was perfectly fine standing on the edge where it was safe...so why would he tell me to jump, knowing he was going to let me crash???

It's not that I'm a spoiled brat whining because God won't cater to my desires; it's that I feel taunted and betrayed and I'm not even sure who God is anymore. And that FREAKS ME OUT, because frankly, I've banked EVERYTHING on his character. Thus my desire for a break...time apart to decide if I want him in my picture.

THE GARDEN
In trying to analyze all this, my first thought was that maybe God never put those things in front of me in the first place. Maybe they were temptations sent by Satan; maybe they weren't actually good things at all! But then I remembered Eve in the Garden of Eden...it wasn't Satan who concocted the forbidden fruit and dangled it in front of her; that fruit was created by God and it was good - yet it was still forbidden. So what in the world does this say about God's character? Is he a taunting bully like he appears?

As I obsessed over this, I realized that Eve's story is the very story I'm experiencing right now. Basically in the Garden, you've got Eve and God in a close, intimate relationship in which they walk together daily. Eve trusts her dad implicitly and bases her whole life on the fact that her dad loves her. Then the serpent comes along. He tries to convince Eve that God was dangling good things in front of her and then yanking them away. Just like me, Eve started to doubt God's intentions toward her. She started to picture him as the taunting bully; as the deadbeat dad in the pool. And as she realized she couldn't count on the one person she'd banked everything on, she panicked.

And suddenly it dawned on me...Satan didn't care so much about getting Eve to eat the fruit; what he cared about was driving a wedge in the relationship between Eve and God. He did that by poisoning Eve's picture of God. The fact that she ate the fruit was just evidence that he'd succeeded.

So I started to wonder if Satan was doing the same thing to me...taking these good things God had created and using them drive a wedge between me and God. If so, he was certainly succeeding in the same way he had with Eve. I mean, the results of Eve's disillusioned picture of God were the same as mine...an overwhelming desire to get away from God; a frantic need to find covering and protection; the decision to take a break.

GETTING BACK TOGETHER AGAIN
So I started thinking about God's response to Eve's request for a break. I'd expect him to justify himself - to explain why he acted the way he did and to prove Satan's lies wrong. But that's not what he does. He doesn't explain himself; he just makes clothes. He sees Eve cold and naked, and he meets her needs - he continues to act according to the character he asked her to trust in the first place. And I felt like God was responding to me in the same way - not giving me the answers I wanted; just sitting down with me and putting a blanket over my shoulders, even as I tried to escape from him.

Then I came across another quote by Oswald Chambers: Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do— He reveals to you who He is. That seemed to reflect my experience. God didn't explain himself or clear anything up; he just continued to act according to the character he'd asked me to trust in the first place. 

And THEN yesterday's daily C.S Lewis reading said this (complete with the name Jill!!!!!):

“Are you not thirsty?” said the Lion.

“I’m dying of thirst,” said Jill.

“Then drink,” said the Lion.

“May I—could I—would you mind going away while I do?” said Jill.

The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.

The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

“Will you promise not to—do anything to me, if I do come?” said Jill.

“I make no promise,” said the Lion.

Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.

“Do you eat girls?” she said.

“I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms,” said the Lion. It didn’t say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

“I daren’t come and drink,” said Jill.

“Then you will die of thirst,” said the Lion.

“Oh dear!” said Jill, coming another step nearer. “I suppose I must go and look for another stream then.”

“There is no other stream,” said the Lion.

It never occurred to Jill to disbelieve the Lion—no one who had seen his stern face could do that—and her mind suddenly made itself up. It was the worst thing she had ever had to do, but she went forward to the stream, knelt down, and began scooping up water in her hand. It was the coldest, most refreshing water she had ever tasted. You didn’t need to drink much of it, for it quenched your thirst at once.

From The Silver Chair Copyright © 1953 

And that's when I realized...he makes no promises or guarantees. He DOES swallow up little girls. He's NOT safe or predictable. But if I don't come to him, I'll die of thirst. There is no other stream. Trusting a wild lion is scary...but NOT trusting the Lion is worse. So God and I are getting back together.

WHAT'S UP WITH ME AND GOD?
But after all this breaking up and reconciling, I have to ask myself...why in the world don't others experience this complicated up and down with God like I do? Why do others seem to coast merrily along, never questioning God or thinking about the relationship much at all? I've concluded it must be one of four reasons:

1. They're too scared to be honest. Some people are just too scared to face the truth, so they pretend the contradictions don't exist.

2. They haven't banked everything on God's character. I think of it this way: To discover that Tiger Woods is a cheating husband is disappointing, but if Tiger Woods is YOUR cheating husband, you attack him with a golf club. Same with God. If he's just a far-off concept to you, it doesn't really matter if your picture of him is challenged. But if he's the very foundation of your identity...well then, of course you're going to be rocked when that foundation is threatened!

3. They haven't experienced much of life. It's easy to blithely exclaim God is good if you've never experienced anything to contradict that. And I guess some people are just lucky enough (or young enough) to have never experienced life yet.

4. They've reached a level of maturity I haven't. Then I think there's a fourth group of people that ARE honest, HAVE banked everything on God's character, and HAVE seen it contradicted...but who've been through enough with him that they trust him anyway. Six months ago, I would have put myself in this category. But I'm finding that I can move in and out of it, depending on the level of challenge I'm experiencing.

In the end, I figure my tumultuous relationship with God puts me in good company. The Psalms show that David certainly experienced the same kinds of highs and lows that I do. Yet God called him a man after his own heart! And then there's John the Baptist. You can see why he'd start to doubt Jesus! The poor guy had banked everything on Jesus...but ended up all alone in prison, waiting to be beheaded, wondering, "WTF? Why haven't you come through for me? Are you actually the one I thought you were?" Yet even though he struggled, Jesus said there was no greater man than John. Clearly God doesn't write people off when the relationship gets complicated.

But to live under a perpetual "It's complicated" label is not real LIFE. So the question is, "How can I move more firmly into category 4?


GETTING TO CATEGORY 4
For me, I'm trying to interpret things through the lens of Job. God SURELY seemed like a taunting bully to Job. But that's only because Job couldn't see behind the scenes...that the whole thing was the result of Satan's challenge to God: "Job only loves you because you do what he wants. If you stop, he'll drop you."

If there's even a 1% chance that the same thing is happening to me...that the devil is asking, "Will she still trust God even when it looks like he's letting her down?"...then I want to prove the devil wrong. I want to show my Dad that I DO still love and trust him NO MATTER WHAT.

Right now it feels like I'm in a plane trying to break the sound barrier. The faster I go, the more I'm violently buffeted. Everything's rattling; it's getting louder and louder; it feels like the pressure might disintegrate the plane! But if I hold on, soon I'll be supersonic. And it will be worth it. (At least I hope so!)

I guess I'm just hanging onto Romans 8:18 - "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." If the magnitude of the coming joy will be enough to make up for all this crap...well, then that must be some UNBELIEVABLE coming joy. I can't wait.