I play sand volleyball and I love it. I've only been playing for about six years, and I don't necessarily play well...but I do play often.
Several weeks ago at a game, my teammate shanked a serve and exclaimed, "God bless it!!!" His wife responded, "I really don't think God cares about your volleyball game."
Now I know she was just joking around and had no deeper meaning behind her response. And I know she doesn't really see God working in any area of her life, much less volleyball, so her statement makes perfect sense within her belief system. But it struck me immediately as such the opposite of my own experience that I had to exclaim, "Actually, I think God cares a whole lot about volleyball!"
That's all I said to her, but in my own head I just kept thinking...for me, volleyball is actually one of the main ways I connect with God; one of the main ways he allows me to experience his joy; and one of the main ways he teaches me about myself, how he sees the world, and how he wants me to imitate him. So I have to think he cares about it a great deal!
Since volleyball is a much lighter topic than some of the others I've been working through lately, I decided to spend some time listing the top ten ways God has connected with me through volleyball. And here they are, in no particular order.
1. He used volleyball to give me community.
Before discovering volleyball in 2008, I was experiencing a time of real isolation. I had very few friends and no way to find new ones. I kept joining groups at church, hoping to find people I'd connect with. But nothing was working. I prayed about this endlessly to no avail. I tried reaching out to others to no avail. I felt so lonely...and started to wonder if there was something repulsive about me that was causing this isolation. To make matters worse, I'd go to church and have the pastor tell me that "God wants you to be in community." That was so frustrating because I WANTED it but couldn't GET it! I wanted to stand up and shout, "Well, then make God tell me where to FIND that community!!!"
That's when I finally discovered a group of people who'd get together every Sunday afternoon to play pick-up volleyball and then cook out afterwards. I really count this as a miracle God did in my life, because somehow he used volleyball to bring together nearly 60 people who connected on a much deeper level than sports. Suddenly instead of being isolated, I had so many friends that I had to weed them out! It turns out that God WAS planning to provide a community for me...he was just waiting for the right time. Since the summer of 2008, much of that large community has faded away...but volleyball continues to be a place where I'm constantly meeting new people and making new connections.
2. He used volleyball to teach me to humble myself.
I grew up in a family that loved sports and that loved to WIN. The message I took away from this was that anyone who gets in the way of your sports enjoyment and/or victory is a nuisance deserving of scorn. So learning to play volleyball was a HUGE step of faith and humility for me because I knew I was willingly becoming what I considered the scum of the earth. I HATED the thought of knowingly setting myself up as people's dinnertime gossip. And beyond inviting others to look down on me, I looked down on MYSELF because I thought I deserved their scorn for ruining their lives (or afternoons, at least).
Yet I felt like God was telling me to play anyway...because for me it was an issue of pride. I liked to think I was avoiding volleyball out of noble, selfless concern for others and their right to enjoy a nuisance-free afternoon, but the fact of the matter is that it was actually my PRIDE that caused me to avoid their disrespect; not my love for them.
See, I'm a person who only likes to do things I'm good at...things people will applaud me for; not things that will make them think I'm an idiot. (And at first, my volleyball skills - or lack thereof - definitely earned the idiot label.) So learning to play volleyball was a giant step of humility for me. It did eventually pay off in giant blessings, but not until I took that step of faith to say, "Okay, God, I'll play volleyball if you want me to...even if it means becoming the scum of the earth."
3. He used volleyball to teach me the difference between surviving and thriving.
I'm so glad I DID humble myself and learn to play, because God has taught me a lot about myself through volleyball. This is really weird, but before I started playing, I didn't know what thriving felt like. I thought I was thriving when I was really just surviving. Here's what I mean...growing up, I played softball for many years. But I DREADED the practices and I DREADED the games. I was scared of the ball, scared of messing up, scared of the coach, scared of my teammates. But I kept playing because I thought this was how you were supposed to feel about sports. I mean, my dad and brother loved playing ball. So I figured this was just what it felt like to enjoy something.
When I started playing volleyball, though, I actually LIKED it. I looked forward to playing; I wanted to create opportunities to play. It didn't scare me; it brought me happiness. Suddenly I was thriving in an activity - rather than just surviving it - but it wasn't until then that I realized there was even a difference!
All this time I'd been assuming I was enjoying something...simply because others said they enjoyed it and because I didn't know what enjoyment actually felt like for myself. It had never occurred to me that I got to formulate my OWN opinions about what is life-giving to me...and that what brings life to others might not be the same as what brings life to me.
This made me start to wonder in what other areas of my life I'd been surviving rather than thriving...simply because I didn't know what thriving actually felt like. In what other areas was I defaulting to others' opinions instead of seeking the ways God had designed specifically to connect with me?
Through this volleyball epiphany, I felt like God was giving me the opportunity to re-evaluate ALL the things I do. Am I surviving in this job, this activity, this relationship, this volunteer position because I think it's something I'm supposed to do or which other people like to do, or am I thriving because it actually does bring life to me and God wants me to be there?
4. He used volleyball to define my priorities.
As time went on and I improved, I evolved from the person who is the annoying, inept nuisance ruining everyone's game...to the person who is annoyed by the inept nuisance ruining everyone's game. One time after I became that volleyball snob, a teammate invited his friend to sub on our team, assuring us that the woman had played sports in college, so she just HAD to be good. (Plus, he had a crush on her, which was the real reason she was invited, but I digress...) Well, she wasn't good. I don't know what sports she played in college, but they didn't involve a volleyball and a net.
So I was NOT happy with my teammate for putting his crush above the good of our volleyball team...and in my mind, emotional honesty demanded that I act in a way congruous with how I felt. That meant plenty of eye-rolling, the bare minimum of friendliness to this woman who was ruining my game, and very little exertion of effort on my part. After all, why bother trying or acting like this was fun when the game was doomed thanks to his selfishness???
But suddenly about halfway through the game, this question came to my mind that I KNOW had to be from God: "Jill, you're going to lose this game whether you act mad or happy. So at the end of the day, what's more important to you? That everyone here leaves your presence knowing exactly how you felt about the loss or that everyone here leaves your presence feeling more blessed because they came into contact with you?"
Wow. That was EXTREMELY convicting. When I thought about it that way, I realized that making sure that girl went home feeling accepted and loved was a MUCH greater victory than scoring some points or letting my teammate know what I thought...one that had much longer-lasting and important ramifications, and one that would make my heavenly Dad proud. I'd had my priorities out of whack.
So I repented and changed my attitude...and since that time, I've applied that question to many different circumstances: "Jill, what's more important to you? That people leave your presence knowing exactly how you felt, or that people leave your presence feeling blessed?" I can't say that I always make the right decision (and a lot of times I have to repent and apologize later), but when I DO get my priorities straight, I'd rather be a blesser than a bitch.
5. He used volleyball to teach me the importance of playing for the team.
At this point in my volleyball career, I usually play with people who know what they're doing. But when I first started, I played with a lot of loose cannons. I remember one game when I played with a guy would would NOT stay in his position. He thought EVERY ball was his, and he consistently one-hit it back over the net. He actually knocked a girl over as he dove to take her ball! Though I'm sure his intent was to win the game, he wasn't playing for the good of the team; he was playing for his own satisfaction. In doing so, his actions were actually keeping him from winning because no one else knew what to expect when he forewent the typical pass-set-hit pattern of the game. In trying to promote himself above everyone else, he was actually hindering himself.
At first I got really judgmental toward him and his selfishness, and I kept thinking, "Look, dude, what makes you think you're so much more important than everyone else here? Don't you know that submitting your selfish objectives to the objectives of the team will actually BENEFIT you???" But (as he often does) God quickly turned my judgment around on me and made me think about this: When I got adopted into God's family, I joined a team that has a clear objective - to bring the kingdom of God everywhere it goes. (And the kingdom of God means the restoration of everything back to the way God intended it to be...the restoration of hearts, relationships, nature, families, health, beauty, etc.) When that objective is accomplished in the world, it benefits me for obvious reasons!
But how often do I ignore that team objective and instead, fly around the court like Mr. Loose Cannon...hogging all the balls for myself, trying to make sure I have a good time, ignoring the good of everyone else...because I care about my selfish objectives more than the team's objective? Like how often do I promote my selfish objective by justifying myself when I've hurt someone, rather than restoring a relationship by humbling myself, apologizing, and entering into the other person's pain? How often do I promote my selfish objective by needing to prove I'm smart, rather than restoring someone else's dignity by allowing THEM to look smart? How often do I promote my selfish objective by spending all my time on things I enjoy, rather than restoring family relationships by making time for them? (That one actually convicts me right now...)
Anyway, God used this ball hog to give me a picture of how ridiculous I look and how much I'm hurting both the team and myself when I promote my own kingdom above the kingdom of God.
6. He used volleyball to illustrate the Gospel.
When I play volleyball with people who are very competitive, I feel a lot of pressure to do everything right...sometimes to the point where I can't enjoy the game because I'm constantly afraid I'll make a mistake that will cost us the game and it will be ALL MY FAULT. I get all up in my head, and the more I try to play better, the more I actually play worse because I'm putting so much pressure on myself to win the game.
But every once in a while, we'll show up for a game and the other team won't...in which case, we win by forfeit. In these circumstances, we'll often find another group of people who wants to play a pick-up game. And let me tell you...my attitude during that pick-up game is TOTALLY different! Suddenly all the pressure is off. It's okay if I make a mistake because no matter what the score says at the end of the game, we've already won by forfeit! When the end is already determined - and determined by factors other than my performance - I'm able to have fun; to try new things; to take advice; to just wipe if off when I do something stupid...because it doesn't affect the verdict in the scorebook. It's not that I no longer try; in fact, I probably try HARDER...because now I don't need to play it safe. My failures won't go on my record.
Well, it suddenly occurred to me one day that this is a perfect picture of the Gospel. There are so many times when I feel a lot of pressure to do everything right in my life so that I can achieve a final "winning" record. Feeling that pressure makes me afraid to take risks, it makes me beat myself up when I make mistakes, it makes me unable to take advice because that suggests that my current behavior is contributing to a losing record.
But the Gospel (good news) is that Jesus saw my predicament...that I was playing a high-stakes game I had NO chance of winning...and instead of just coaching me from the sidelines about how to play better, he actually played the game for me...marked a win in the scorebook under my name and marked a loss under his name...and now the game of life I'm playing is a game that is already won by forfeit! I already have a win marked down by my name!
The fact that the final verdict is no longer riding on my own performance is such a relief to me because it means that even if I make mistakes, they don't go on my record.
(I can see how this would be disempowering for people who think they actually have a chance of winning. But let's get real...I'm a perfectionist who realizes I don't stand a chance of living up to "Be perfect as I am perfect." So I like the fact that my performance is not the determining factor.)
Anyway, if I've already got the victory, that means I can now play stress-free...with the objective of just learning to play more like the Master. I've got to say...for someone who feels a lot of pressure and hopelessness about trying to be perfect, this perspective of life as a game already won by forfeit is extremely freeing and empowering, and almost daily I now remind myself, "Jill, relax! Even if you screw up every detail of your life, it doesn't matter because you already have a win marked in the scorebook!"
7. He used volleyball to teach me that it's okay to switch positions.
I had a softball incident as a kid that really affected me. Once during a game, I was playing second base and I misfielded several balls in a row. My dad tells me it wasn't my fault; the balls took bad hops. I don't know and it doesn't really matter...what DOES matter is that the coach finally got frustrated with me and made a big scene in the middle of the inning, moving me to right field where I couldn't hinder the team so much. It was one of the worst feelings of my life.
Looking back, I can see that the coach was just trying to help the team. But as the kid experiencing it, I felt like I'd had a label permanently stamped on me: "Hindrance! Not worthy to be on the field!" I felt completely rejected and condemned - not just as a player, but as a person. And the worst part was that it caught me by surprise! Here I'd been trying my best, but a couple of mistakes were all it took to disqualify me - without warning - from contributing to the game. I still cry when I remember it!
I think it's one of the things that made me terrified of making mistakes in ALL areas of life...and especially with God. I was convinced that if I ever did anything wrong, God was going to get frustrated like my coach, realize I was just a hindrance to his objectives, and remove me from the game. So every time some endeavor failed or got removed from my life, I figured that was God taking me out of the game forever. Sure, I was still on the team, but really the best way for me to help was to stay on the bench out of the way.
This really affected my relationship with God because I never felt like my standing with him was secure. I was always striving and fearful, never knowing when he'd slap me with the label, "Hindrance! Not worthy to be on the field!"
But a couple of years ago I was playing on a volleyball team with the wife I mentioned earlier. Often when she makes a few bad passes or sets in a row, she'll just nonchalantly switch positions with another player to break her slump and get her head back in the game. Or if a teammate is having a rough patch, sometimes she'll switch spots with him. When she switches positions, it's not a judgment or a condemnation. There's no label attached, and it's not a lasting verdict on anyone's skills. It's just an acknowledgment of, "Hey, right now I think you can contribute better here and I can contribute better there. And after a few volleys that may change. Let's just keep moving around so that everyone is in the spot where they can be most effective right now."
This was seriously life-changing for me to observe. It made me start to think that maybe God is more like my volleyball teammate than my softball coach....that just because he switches my position for a while, it doesn't mean I'm not worthy of playing on his team. It's not a lasting judgment. It's just a game-time strategy to put me where I'm most effective right now...and that may change!
But no matter what short-term switches are made, they can never affect the permanent, unchanging label he's already placed on me, saying: "This is my child, in whom I am well pleased."
8. He used volleyball to teach me the power of labeling people.
Depending on who I'm playing with, it's crazy how different of a volleyball player I can be. When I play with someone who thinks I'm good, I'll usually play up to their expectations. So, for example, my teammate Todd always raves about how I'm an awesome hitter. Now, I don't see any evidence that should lead him to label me that way, but he really believes it! And I have to say...when he tells me that's what I am, I actually do become an awesome hitter! I live up to that label most of the time.
On the other hand, I play with someone who makes fun of me for always serving into the net. Now, that is simply not a true label. I'd say my over-the-net percentage is probably 9 out of 10. But for some reason, he hangs on to that 1 mistake, over and above the 9 successes. So when I play with THIS guy who jokingly reminds me before every serve, "Now, Jill, remember to serve it OVER the net," I guarantee I'll be closer to 4 or 5 out of 10. It's crazy. And when I'm with playing with someone who's not just joking around - who actually does think I'm a bad player and is annoyed to be on the court with me - well, I may as well just go home. In that case, it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself, "Jill, bend your knees! Pass the ball gently!"...if I believe my teammate thinks I'm an idiot, I will end up playing like an idiot.
Okay, so I probably need a sports psychologist or something. But what I take away from this is that labels are powerful - in all areas of life! If all it takes to draw out my hitting potential is for Todd to TELL me I hit like a beast...well, what would happen if I started labeling people around me according to their potential, rather than according to their mistakes? And what if I actually said it to them out loud? What if...rather than focusing on all the weaknesses I see in someone and therefore labeling them an asshole or an idiot (and prompting them to live down to that expectation), what would happen if I focused on the potential that GOD sees in that person and labeled them the way HE does...as someone worth infinite time and effort; as someone worthy of inheriting the wealth of the king of the universe; as someone who's the spitting image of their Dad; as someone who's been equipped with EVERYTHING they need to be a worthwhile member of his family?
Sometimes it feels delusional to label people according to their potential instead of their weaknesses, but at the end of the day, I think God sees me more like Todd does than the guy who teases me about serves. And when he calls out my potential, he draws it out too. I want to do that for people the way my Dad does. (And I can't say that I always DO...but I'm learning!)
9. He used volleyball to teach me not to receive self-condemnation.
I struggle a lot with self-condemning thoughts. They feel like heavy slime that pours over my soul and coats it with a poisonous and unbreathable layer of goo that holds me down.
Lately I've been playing a lot of doubles, and that's a prime opportunity for these thoughts to slime me because I'm not as good as everyone else. Most people are nice, but once I was playing with a really condescending partner. I gave him a few bad sets, but then when I gave him a perfect set, he hit the ball into the net and blamed it on me, exclaiming, "Well, I missed because I'm used to you setting behind me!!!"
Ouch. Most people would probably get mad at him, but I'm so self-condemning that this caused me to get mad at myself. The slime poured over me as these thoughts flooded my brain: "What do you think you're doing here, Jill? You're not good enough to be here! I can't believe you even thought you were! Everybody wishes you were gone...they're just not as rude as this character, so they're not saying it out loud. But you don't belong here and you ought to feel ashamed of yourself. Everybody thinks you're a loser and they're right." The slime of condemnation was burying me so that I couldn't see the light. But then that made me really indignant, so my next thoughts were, "Who in the world does this guy think he is...talking to ME that way?!?! He's not very good himself! Look at that shot he missed! He's got no right to criticize me! Maybe I should start pointing out all the mistakes he makes!!! In fact, I think I will. Next time he does something wrong, I'm going to say it loud enough for the other team to hear. And maybe I'll also point out that he's socially awkward. How would he like THAT?" These thoughts caused a secondary slime of self-righteousness and anger to coat my soul. But that made me feel guilty..."What is wrong with you, Jill?! You call yourself a CHRISTIAN and you're having thoughts like that about someone else? You're a loser and a failure. You may as well just go home and stop poisoning all these people with your ridiculous thoughts and overanalysis. The best thing you can do for people is to stay away from them."
SLIME. I just felt like I was wading around in all this slime. And that's when I decided maybe NONE of that internal conversation was from God. Maybe all that slime was from Satan, and if so, I didn't have to receive it. After all, who would want more to ruin a perfectly good day of fun and sun than my Enemy?!?!
So when I decided not to receive the slime, what I was left with were these thoughts: "This guy is condescending and he's clearly got issues. Fact. And I'm not the best volleyball player ever. Fact. But I'm trying my best and improving, and if these people are feeling all slimy about me being here, that's their problem. I'm just going to keep trying hard and enjoying myself." And those thoughts didn't feel slimy and weighty; they just felt factual.
For the rest of that afternoon, whenever one of those slimy thoughts came to me, I just rejected it and kept playing and having fun. Since then, I've used this strategy in many situations when I feel that slime of self-condemnation start to pour over my soul. I'll actually say out loud, "I do not receive this condemnation. My Dad says he's pleased with me, and that's the final verdict. So go away." It doesn't always stop the slime right away, but that day at volleyball was a turning point for me in understanding that I don't have to receive self-condemnation and let it ruin my day.
10. He used volleyball to give me a retreat from the war in my mind.
This one is going to make me sound crazy, but I'm just putting it out there. For some reason (probably due to my naive childhood prayers asking daily to hear his voice), God has given me a mind that is more in tune with the spiritual world than I think most people's must be. This is hard to explain if you've never experienced it, but I feel like I've taken Neo's red pill...and it's both a blessing and a curse.
On the one hand, it's awesome because in almost everything that happens in the natural world, I sense God speaking to me and interpreting it for me through a spiritual perspective. I mean, I hear from God A LOT. He not only gives me instructions, but he encourages me, reassures me, and just helps me step back and see things through a different lens. I feel like God has given me this gift - NOT because I'm something special - but because he intends for me to share those insights with others and to help others to draw close to him as well. So in that way, I consider it a wonderful blessing.
But on the other hand, it's a terrible curse to be so attuned to the spiritual realm because I also hear from God's Enemy A LOT. He takes everything my Dad says to me and spins it into a big, confusing mess in my mind. So in trying to separate the truth from the lies, my mind is literally always racing down at least 3 different paths at once...analyzing, predicting, backtracking, questioning, concluding...trying to discern what's coming from my Dad and what's coming from his Enemy. Sometimes it gets overwhelming and makes me feel isolated from others who aren't experiencing the same thing.
The only way I've found to clear my mind of all that spiritual chatter is to do something physical...like volleyball. (I know you're probably thinking I've just spent this entire blog listing all the spiritual chatter I've heard during volleyball, but let me just say those things are all very light compared to what I'm usually pondering.)
So anyway, I feel like God knew the heaviness he was placing in my life by allowing this spiritual war to play in surround-sound within my brain. And so he's also provided a retreat from the fighting by giving me the gift of volleyball.
So there you go. Those are the top ten ways God has connected with me through volleyball, and these things (among others) make me think he must care about it as much as I do! I'm not saying there's something particularly holy about the specific game of sand volleyball. I mean, I'm sure God could have taught me these same things through many other sports or activities.
But I am saying I think God is really interested in using everything we do as a way to connect with us. (It just so happens he uses volleyball for me because he knows I like it.) And I think the more we look for him in our everyday lives, the more we'll see him there. So that's why I'm convinced God DOES care about volleyball, and that when he remakes this world into the paradise he intends it to be, I think there will be miles and miles of sand. :) Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, volleyball, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way. --Col 3:17
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