I'd rather die a lunatic.

I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm a lunatic. No kidding. 

IS FOLLOWING JESUS EASY?

That's because following Jesus has never been clear-cut or easy for me.

It must be for lots of people. After all, I have this Facebook friend who, at least once a week, posts about doing something God told her to do...and then the unbelievably wonderful results she experiences from it. So, for example, she won't have money to fix her car because God told her to quit her job...and then she prays and VOILA! Someone sends her $500 in the mail. Or she'll step out in faith by moving to a different city with no real plan or connections...and then she prays and VOILA! She meets someone at the mall who offers her a job and a place to stay. It's crazy. I mean, if she's telling the truth, it's really pretty incredible how God has taken care of her.

And her story fits with the generally accepted view of Christianity...that once you decide to follow Jesus, everything gets easy...like now that you're on his team, he's the all-knowing coach who gives you the right advice so you'll win the game.  

But I've got to say...other than a few rare instances of instantaneous, miraculous breakthroughs, that's really not the way it's ever worked for me. On the contrary, the story of my life has been more like this:

• For eight years I wrestled, thinking God was telling me to quit my career in teaching because he had other things for me to do. I finally took the leap and quit - expecting incredible opportunities to come to me...only to find myself here, 6 years later, still working as a secretary in the outskirts of Hell (a.k.a. Tri-County). I mean, sure, I'm free of the extreme stress I had as a teacher. And sure, I've learned a lot about humility and seeing people for who they ARE; not what they DO. And sure, without a 75hr/wk job, I have time to build relationships and get involved in other things...but still. This didn't work out for me like it did for my Facebook friend. I'm not really experiencing the greater things I'd expected to come from following God into the unknown.

• Or this one...a co-worker's husband was having tests to see if his cancer had returned. I felt strongly that God wanted me to lay hands on this woman and pray with confidence for her husband. I argued with God for days because a) that's a weird thing to do at work (or anywhere, I guess), and b) what if I prayed and his cancer DID return??? Wouldn't that look really bad for God's track record (and mine)? But I kept thinking, "Jill, what if God put you here right now to pray for this man? Are you going to just let him get cancer because you're too scared to say a prayer?" So I finally did it. And guess what? His cancer came back anyway. I mean, sure, I learned a lot about humility and obedience...but still. Does that help my co-worker or her husband?

And when those kinds of things happen, that's when I get really confused. It's not like it is for my Facebook friend who obeys and then receives immediate confirmation that she's on the right track. On the contrary, I do what I think God is saying...and then receive a whole bunch of evidence insinuating that I've actually done something wrong or unwise. And that evidence inevitably makes me wonder...DID I actually hear God and obey him? Or am I just a lunatic? 

I mean, I understand that God doesn't always have the same objectives for an endeavor as I do. And I understand that sometimes I evaluate things too early when the story's not over yet. And I understand that God wants me to obey him just because he's the king; not in order to get a reward. I know all this information and much more.

But things are still confusing...because when you don't get positive confirmation of your obedience, how are you supposed to know the difference between when you're walking in faith...and when you're just walking in delusion?

MY LUNATIC SCARE

The reason I'm talking about this now is because of my current lunatic scare. Since June 2012, I've been living out this story in which I believe God asked me to demonstrate his unconditional love for a certain person...even with no guarantee that this person would ever love me back. (And for someone like me with an EXTREME aversion to rejection...who is now constantly being put in situations where I have to make myself vulnerable...this is an all-consuming and emotional journey.) I believe that God has been asking me to persistently and repeatedly reach out to someone who persistently and repeatedly pushes me away. And I've been doing that...and I keep hoping God's going to do some amazing miracle! But instead of leading to success, it's been leading to my own agonizing and repeated humiliation and heartbreak. 

For 8 months, that story was on hiatus. I thought it was over (which was both a relief and a disappointment). But recently the story has been resurrected and, therefore, my confusion and fear are flaring up again. 

So if this story is so traumatic, why do I keep investing in it? Well, although God asked me to obey with no guarantees, I do believe he has promised me good things to come in this relationship. So far I haven't seen them - I admit that. And these promises I'm believing are highly improbable - I admit that. And sometimes I'm not even sure I want to ride the roller coaster long enough to see the promises fulfilled - I admit that. But there is something within me that tenaciously holds on to this idea that God has promised me he IS writing this story and that he IS going to bring it to a happy conclusion some day. So there you go.

When I try to talk about this story, people usually scold me for being impetuous, roll their eyes at me for being foolish, figuratively pat my head as if I'm a naive child, or advise me to guard my heart and/or move on. And I get why they think I'm a lunatic! After all, they weren't there to witness the pages and pages of evidence I've typed out in an attempt to determine whether this is all in my head. They haven't personally experienced the times when I've just inexplicably KNOWN things about this person. They haven't gone through the hours and days and years of intense prayer and analysis trying to figure out what God is saying. They haven't felt how I am literally physically pulled toward this person with a ferocious love. They haven't been aware of the times when I've tried to extricate myself from this situation, only to have it resurrect itself. They're just jumping into my 30-second summary and making a quick judgment based on the way the world usually works.

And honestly, 75% of the time, I agree with them and wonder if I'm a lunatic myself. After all, insanity has been defined as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And isn't that what I'm doing when I just keep pursuing this person again and again, hoping one day to break through? I mean, seriously, Jill, come to grips with reality! 

Plus, I know that what I'm doing goes COMPLETELY against the world's wisdom. The world says, "Never make someone a priority when to them, you're only an option"...but I'm doing the exact opposite. 

And it goes COMPLETELY against Christian wisdom, too! Christians say, "Guard your heart; stay away from dangerous people; don't be unequally yoked"...but I'm doing the exact opposite.

(And actually, Jesus did the exact opposite, too, so I'm not sure what that says about our wisdom...) But anyway, I get it that this is not wise; I get it that I seem like a pie-in-the-sky dreamer.

That's why this is so confusing to me. I keep believing God is telling me to do things that are really, really foolish and ill-advised...and against my better judgment, I keep doing them - expecting him to do a miracle - and instead it just keeps fizzling out. So where do I go from there? Do I keep going forward in faith? Or do I finally cut my losses and come back to my senses?

The advice I've been given from people I respect is to just give up. I've been told that if something causes this much confusion in my life, it must not be from the Lord. And as a fiercely logical person and someone who HATES being considered irrational, I would much prefer to follow that advice and put the kibosh on this delusion. But for some reason I just can't.

GOD IS CONFUSING

So what is it that keeps me hanging on to this story against all odds? 

Well, I just can't let go of this thought...you see, the entire Old Testament is full of stories of people who believed God promised them impossible things...and then they faced seemingly insurmountable obstacles as they waited and waited until they finally saw the fulfillment. 

• You've got Sarah & Abraham, who were promised a son, but didn't conceive until they were like 100 years old. 

• You've got Joseph, who was promised he would be a great ruler, but didn't see that happen until he spent many years as a slave. 

• You've got Moses who was promised he would deliver his people from slavery, but first he failed numerous times. 

• You've got the Israelites who were promised a land flowing with milk & honey, but had to conquer a bunch of giants in order to get it. 

• You've got David who was promised he'd be the king of Israel, but first found himself fleeing for his life in the wilderness for years and years. 

And despite the impossibility of their hopes and the obstacles they faced...all of these people eventually DID see the fulfillment of the things God had promised them.

So it just doesn't make sense to me why God would choose THESE stories as the ones he wanted recorded unless he actually wants us to believe him for greater things...unless he wants us to follow him on impossible adventures...unless he wants us to sometimes throw aside logic and expect him to deliver crazy promises. I mean, if God thinks it's better for us to give up whenever we're confused, then why would he put those stories there?

So then I start thinking...well, these stories prove it's true that God DOES deliver on impossible promises...but maybe the fact that I'm so confused about it means I'm not actually the recipient of one of these impossible promises; I'm just a lunatic who concocted her own delusional fantasies. Maybe if God had actually promised me something, I'd be confident rather than confused.

But I have to imagine that the people in these Bible stories were extremely confused, too. In fact, I KNOW they were! When the angel told Sarah she'd have a baby in her 90s, she laughed. When God told Moses to approach Pharaoh, he tried to get God to send someone else. When the Israelites saw the giants, they grumbled and said they'd rather be dead. And as far as David...well, he wrote something like 73 psalms trying to work out his confusion. I know for a fact that he wasn't perpetually confident. So I have to assume that confusion doesn't necessarily mean you're delusional. After all, these people were confused even though they really WERE recipients of God's promises.

And then I keep thinking about verses like this: 

• "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord, "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." (Isa 55:8)
• God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. (1 Cor 1:27)

Basically these verses tell me: God is confusing. And that makes sense! I mean we are talking about God here. Shouldn't we expect instructions coming from such an other-worldly character to be a bit confusing? I mean, if all he told us to do was just avoid R-rated movies and say "shoot" instead of "shit," then I guess that wouldn't be very confusing. (And maybe that's what a lot of people think it means to follow him.) 

But when he says stuff like: 

• Love your enemies and do good to those who hate you... (Lk 6:27)
• Whoever wants to be first must take last place... (Mk 9:35)
• Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others... (Phil 2:3)

Well, come on now, that's confusing. Not to mention the specific stuff he tells individuals like:

• Hey, rich young ruler, go give away all your money - basically throw your entire identity in the trash - and then come start over with me...
• Hey, Abraham, leave behind everything and everyone you know - basically throw all your security in the trash - and then come with me to a land that may or may not exist...
• Hey, Jill, throw yourself under the bus for someone who doesn't appreciate it and won't return the favor - basically throw all your emotional safety in the trash - and love sacrificially the way I love...

Well, I'm sorry, but if you don't find those things a bit confusing, then I have to assume you're not thinking much about them at all. (Or you're just not sharing your confusion as openly as I am...which is really quite a shame, since it would be very helpful for me to know I'm not alone.)

So anyway, I'm not confused by the fact that God is confusing...but I am questioning the reason for MY confusion right now. Am I justifiably confused because God is calling me to step out into unknown territory??? Or am I just confused because I'm a lunatic who's foolishly stepping out into danger???

Without miraculous endings like my Facebook friend receives, it's often hard for me to tell. I mean, I've prayed a lot about it. And I've written out pages and pages of emails, journal entries, and blogs listing the small confirmations I have received. I've compared the instructions I think I've received to the instructions people received in the Bible. I've asked God to stop me if I'm getting off track. And I've endlessly considered whether the things I'm doing reflect God's character. So most of me believes I'm on the right track.

LINCOLN OR LUNATIC?

But there's still part of me that doubts myself.

Why? Well, here's the thing. People quote all those inspiring stories about how you shouldn't give up. Like there's Abraham Lincoln who failed so many times before finally being elected President. Or there's Thomas Edison who "successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work," but eventually invented the light bulb. These stories are uplifting and encouraging. Their message is, "If you believe you're on the right track, don't let setbacks discourage you!!!"

But the thing that scares me is...for every Lincoln and Edison, there's a corresponding LUNATIC who ALSO totally believed that they were on the right track - and yet never achieved success - because they weren't misunderstood greats; they were just lunatics.

So if both the Lincoln and the Lunatic believe they're on the right track, then how the heck are you supposed to know which one you are? 

WHO KNOWS?

I don't freakin' know. Until the story ends, I don't think it's possible to determine whether I'm a Lincoln or a Lunatic. But after going round and round on this Lincoln vs. Lunatic debate, I guess I've finally arrived at this conclusion:

I really don't think God, as a loving Dad, would be upset with me 

if I honestly believe I'm following him...

and yet I get it wrong.

But I do imagine he'd be upset 

if I think I might be hearing him...

yet I back out and decide it's too crazy or dangerous or embarrassing to try it. 

After all, look at the way God responds to the Israelites in Numbers 14 when he tells them to go conquer the giants and take the Promised Land, but they say no because they think it's foolish:

"As surely as I live...not one of these people will ever enter that land. They have all seen my glorious presence and the miraculous signs I performed both in Egypt and in the wilderness, but again and again they have tested me by refusing to listen to my voice. They will never even see the land I swore to give their ancestors. None of those who have treated me with contempt will ever see it."

Yowza. God seems to take it as a personal offense when we don't believe he can do the impossible! In fact, it's reason enough for him to retract their share in the promise! I certainly don't want that to happen to me! If I HAVE been promised something, then I want to put myself in a position to receive that promise.

And it makes me wonder...what if rather than dividing the world between: 

Lincoln (jumps off ledge & lands on feet)

vs.

Lunatic (jumps off ledge & splats on ground)

What if a more meaningful division is:

Lincoln/Lunatic (jumps off ledge)

vs.

Lily-livered (doesn’t jump off ledge)

What I mean is...what if God isn't looking for a bunch of people who always land on their feet when they jump off a ledge; what if he's just looking for people who trust him enough to jump off the ledge AT ALL when they think he's calling them...even when they don't know how it's going to end up?

Like, what if, in the end, the landing really doesn't matter nearly as much as the willingness to jump (because that willingness to jump proves we trust him)?

I'D RATHER DIE A LUNATIC

I don't know...those could all be the ravings of a lunatic for all I know!!!

But here's what I'm thinking: I've done my due diligence, I've weighed my options, and I've counted the cost. I'm not going into this impetuously. I may be a Lunatic, but I'm willing to take that risk. In fact, I'm willing to keep sticking my neck out for this person I love...EVEN IF I NEVER SEE ANY REWARD FOR IT.

That's because I keep thinking this:

At the end of my life, I'm going to die either way.

• I can die a lunatic who went all out and believed God for greater things, 
• Or I can die knowing that I kept myself safe and only did things I knew others would approve of.

But either way I'll be dead. 

So I'd rather go down swinging.

If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. - 2 Cor 5:13

You may be right; I may be crazy; But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for. - Billy Joel