Last week I listed the top 10 ways God has connected with me through sand volleyball, and it was so much fun that I decided to do it for my first love...salsa dancing.
See, as much as I've learned about myself and God through volleyball, I could multiply those instances by 100 and still not tap the multitude of ways God has used salsa to completely turn my life upside down...and I'm so thankful for that. Since I could conceivably write for hours and hours on this topic, I'll prevent myself from getting TOO carried away by just describing the top 5 ways God has connected with me through salsa.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
1. God used salsa to give me confidence in who I am.
Growing up, I thought of myself as a social reject. It's not that people hated me; it's just that they didn't even know I existed (which, in my opinion, is worse). I was invisible...a non-person. And I didn't know how to make myself noticed, because I was horrible at mingling and small talk, I couldn't in good conscience demand attention by making a spectacle of myself, and I just wasn't born with the flashiness and charisma that other people have. The problem is, the more I was ignored, the more I thought of myself as a social reject, and therefore the more I acted like one. Even when someone DID accidentally notice me, I would try to dismiss them quickly from my presence for their own sake...after all, I knew that a social reject like me couldn't possibly keep them entertained. After each foray into society, I'd go home, review my mistakes, and beat myself up: "There you go, Jill...that mistake right there is why no one wants to associate with you. Why can't you be outgoing and normal like the rest of the world?"
Reflecting on how awkward I was, it seems strange that such a wallflower could have ever decided to start salsa dancing (which is how I know it must have been God's doing). But when I did, I discovered a world that brought out a side of me I'd never known existed:
- First of all, salsa is a place where I can interact with people without having to think of a million things to say. When I run out of small talk, I just ask someone to dance! And guess what...dancing is an area where I do have things to express...and where a flashy side of me does come out!
- Secondly, the culture of salsa - where men are repeatedly choosing me (albeit for 4 minutes of their time) - was a whole new experience for me. It made me think maybe I wasn't invisible after all...that maybe I AM worth someone's time and interest...and that maybe some people actually feel honored (rather than annoyed) when I choose them!
- Thirdly, salsa is a place where your mistakes aren't really counted against you. When I miss a lead, the salsero just gives me a different move. When I fall down on my butt (yes, it has happened), I just get up and keep dancing. I don't count my mistakes as a blemish on my character; I just laugh and move on...which is really refreshing.
- Finally, salsa gave me a community of people where I feel like I belong. In fact, I once said that the place where I felt most "at home" was the Mad Frog. That was a place where my best self shone through; where I felt confident; where I felt wanted; where everybody knew my name.
Here's the thing. The year before I started dancing, God began teaching me that no matter how other people view me, my TRUE identity is that I'm his chosen, loved, wanted child. I KNEW that in my head, but I didn't know how to make that knowledge a working reality in my life. So salsa came along at just the right time to provide me with the safe place to practice actually acting like who I was. That's because salsa was a place that pulled out my strengths rather than my weaknesses. It showed me that just because my strengths aren't the same as other people's strengths, it doesn't make them any less valuable.
Salsa didn't turn me into a worthwhile person; it just provided a safe place for me to practice acting like the worthwhile person I already was. And slowly but surely, that confidence began to bleed into other areas of my life as well. You'd never know that the Jill you see today is the same one who used to write out pre-planned conversations before going to parties!
2. God used salsa to show me that the world isn't divided into good and bad.
I don't like admitting this, but before salsa, I was the typical religious person who divided the world into "Good" and "Bad." I thought the church people were the good people with whom I should associate, and the non-church people were the bad people to avoid...or if not avoid, at least not really respect. I thought religious activities were the good things that would please God, and secular activities were the bad things that would tarnish my mind. But salsa turned my entire worldview on its head.
That's because in 2006 when I discovered salsa, I was an absolute MESS of a person. (Okay, I'm still a mess. But I was worse then.) Basically, at that time I started realizing that I'm not in control of my life as much as I'd always thought I was. I mean, up until then, I thought that if I just tried hard and honored God, then he'd reward me by making me successful. And up until then, that strategy had worked! But around 2006, I found that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make ANYTHING go the way I wanted it to. I couldn't make students pass achievement tests; I couldn't make parents respect me as a teacher; I couldn't get people to choose me as their friend; I couldn't get married; I couldn't do anything great for God. I was so angry and confused about why I couldn't turn myself into the paragon that I wanted to be.
This led me to get trapped trying to achieve success in impossible situations. So, for example, successful people (I thought) were validated by being chosen by a husband. But the only men choosing me were ones who wanted something far different from marriage. So what should I do? I mean, I guess that kind of "choosing" could give me some measure of validation, but the problem was that successful Christians do not get involved in situations like that! But if I didn't do that, then I'd have no validation at all! Aaaah! It was a lose-lose situation and I didn't see any way out. I wanted to obey God...AND I wanted to be successful...but it looked like the two were mutually exclusive. This caused such disillusionment that I started to question everything I believed about life, about God, and about myself. And when you're questioning the very foundation of everything you thought you knew, that creates a lot of messiness in your mind.
Due to my messiness and failure, I felt like I no longer belonged with the good church people who had life all figured out. After all, I no longer lived up to the standards I'd always promoted, so it seemed like they'd have to look down on me. And many people did. One person told me that God was disappointed in me for not pulling it together, and that I probably shouldn't claim association with him until I could do something he'd be proud of. Yikes. In my heart of hearts, I KNEW my Dad still delighted in me, but comments like that made me feel like I couldn't be real with religious people or I'd destroy my good image. I also knew that religious people value certainty, and right then I wasn't certain of anything...so I knew they couldn't relate to me and my questions. Most of all, I no longer felt like a respected equal; I felt like a special needs Christian who is included only because the law demands it.
That's when I discovered the salsa community...and there I found people who didn't CARE that I was a mess. In fact, some of them were more of a mess than I was! ;) They didn't need to know my sin stats in order to rate me; they just accepted me. This was not the picture of bad non-Christians that I'd always had...dangerous, shady people who might rub off on me. These were people I wanted to be around; people who showed me grace a whole lot better than a lot of my church friends did. Salsa became a place for me where I could just be REAL and drop the facade...and honestly THAT'S the only time you can connect with God - when you're being real; not when you're trying to impress him.
Today some of my dearest friends and some of the people I've learned the most from are people I previously would have placed in the "Bad" category. (To be clear, I'm NOT saying that I've now decided the Christians are the "Bad" category. In fact, since 2006, I've found a lot of grace-giving Christians, too.) But what I AM saying is that I've concluded this: There aren't good people and bad people; there are just PEOPLE...all of whom are messed up, bruised, broken, and in need of saving...and all of whom are furiously loved and pursued by God.
I've also found that some of my most impactful moments with God have happened at a bar with a bunch of people trying to hook up...an activity I previously would have placed in the "Bad" category. (To be clear, I've also had a lot of impactful moments with God at church services, too, so I'm NOT saying that church services are now the "Bad" category.) What I AM saying is that I've concluded this: There aren't necessarily good activities and bad activities; there are mostly just ACTIVITIES...and it's up to me what I get out of them. If I go to a church service while I'm consumed with pride and self-righteousness, it's highly unlikely that I'll meet God there. But if I go out salsa dancing and humbly ask God to reveal himself to me there, it's highly likely that he will.
I no longer think there are good parts of the world and bad parts of the world; there's just the WORLD...all created by God, all in need of redeeming, and all containing places where God wants to meet with me and change me.
3. God used salsa to teach me how to follow.
Following a dance partner has taught me a lot about following God...
- Following is a response; not a routine. Following a dance partner is not like performing a planned routine. You can't just memorize patterns and carry them out; you have to be constantly connected to and responding to your partner...moving to the music and to the lead; not to a prescribed formula. Same with God. I can't just memorize rules or weekly routines and carry them out; I need to be constantly connected to him and responding to what he does so that we can move to the rhythms of life together.
- Following means letting the leader lead. The cardinal rule of following is to relax and let the man lead the dance...to trust him to give me the right cues in the right way at the right time. When I do that, the two of us connect and the dance falls into place. With a good lead, "obedience" isn't oppressive; rather, it leads to a strong connection and a better dance. But if I don't trust and obey my lead, I try to take over his role...deciding on a move before it's led, forging ahead with my ideas despite his objections, trying too hard to predict what he'll do, backleading, resisting his cues. And then the dance feels forced and it just doesn't work. Same with God. Everything works a whole lot better when I trust him, follow, and obey instead of fighting him for the lead.
- Following leaves room for freedom & choice. To let the leader lead is NOT to say that I'm just a puppet. See, it's the lead's job to have moves in mind and to give me cues guiding me into those moves. But within those moves, I still have a lot of freedom and choice. I can throw in a shine or flair and make the move my own. In fact, if I want the dance to look and feel good, I SHOULD somehow make it my own! Same with God. When he leads me, he send me in a certain direction...but within that lead, he allows me a lot of freedom to think for myself and to make it my own.
- Following means relaxing into unforced rhythms. A good song has a variety of tempos. Sometimes it slows down; sometimes it speeds up. And a good lead is going to embrace these tempo shifts and play to them. But if I'm determined to force my own tempo on the dance...rushing when the song calls for a pause, or swaying in place when the song calls for acceleration...it just doesn't feel right. A good dance occurs when the two of us embrace the rhythm of the song. Same with God. When I try too hard to rush him, to make things happen in my own timing, or to resist when he's leading me forward, it just doesn't work. That's why Jesus tells me to "Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." (Matt 11:29)
- Following gets easier with practice. The first few times I dance with a new partner, it can be difficult to read what he's telling me to do. But the more I dance with him, the more I can tell from experience what each of his signals means, and the more I have an idea of what might be coming next. Same with God...the more I follow him, the more I know HOW to follow him.
- Following means expecting the unexpected. Conversely, a good leader keeps me on my toes. He doesn't always do the same sequential patterns or lead me in the same direction twice. That's what makes the dance fun! Same with God. He is a GOOD lead, so I should expect him to throw in the unexpected. And that doesn't have to be stressful; rather, that's what makes following him exciting.
- Following is not ruined by a mistake. I'm a pretty good follow, but sometimes I misinterpret and do the wrong move. But to a good lead, that's not the end of the world. He just incorporates my mistake into the dance and turns it into something good. Of course, if I'm constantly doing the opposite of what he wants, the dance is going to be affected. But as long as I'm trying to follow, he's going to adjust for my mistakes and lead more clearly the next time. Same with God. Sometimes I don't follow him correctly. But that doesn't mean I've ruined my life or that he's going to get frustrated and walk off the dance floor. God is a good lead, so when I make a mistake, he adjusts, incorporates it into the dance, and makes his lead a little more clear the next time.
- Following is grounded in the rules. There are some very complicated moves in salsa, but underneath all of them is the basic step which tells me I should ALWAYS end up stepping backwards on the 1-beat. (Unless, of course, we're dancing on 2...) The basic step is like the rules of salsa, and following those rules isn't restrictive; it's actually freeing because it allows us to make sense out of the complicated patterns. I can follow with confidence, knowing that no matter where I am right now, I just need to get back to my right foot on the 1-beat. On the other hand, when the rules are ignored, I really struggle to follow because I don't know where my feet should be. Same with God. He's set up certain rules...certain guidelines for how life should be lived. When I stray from that "basic step," life gets really complicated and it's hard to follow him. But when I stay within those rules, it's not restrictive...it's freeing because it gives me a framework within which I can follow confidently.
- Following requires being ready to stop or change direction. As a follow, I need to be ready to stop or change direction at a moment's notice. After all, you never know when an obstruction is going to move into your space or when your lead is going to suddenly take you in a new direction. That means I need to be paying attention. I can't just receive the lead and then go into autopilot. That would be dangerous and unwise! Same with God. I can't just receive his instructions and go into autopilot. I need to be constantly monitoring our connection and be ready to stop or to change direction if he tells me to.
- Following is best with a strong connection. The best dances happen when I have such a strong connection with my partner that it feels like we're moving as one. That typically doesn't happen with someone I've never met; it happens with someone I've spent hours practicing with. That's when I get to do the really cool moves; that's when we'll suddenly find ourselves simultaneously doing the same unplanned but awesome shine; that's when people stop us afterwards and tell us we're "Damn good." That kind of connection requires lots of time deliberately spent together...but it's worth it. Same with God. The more time I deliberately spend forming a connection with him, the more our dance together is going to take my breath away.
4. God used salsa to show me that some things are worth suffering for.
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| Sweat. Sorry, Danielle. |
Before I started dancing salsa, I avoided activities that caused any sort of discomfort. I didn't like to sweat, get out of breath, or acquire sore muscles...and I DEFINITELY didn't do anything that carried a risk of getting hurt. It just wasn't worth it to me. (Of course, I also didn't do much AT ALL besides sit on my couch watching TV.)
But salsa is different. Salsa most definitely causes me to break a sweat. In fact, I'd say if you're not sweating, you're not doing it right!
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| Salsa casualty |
And salsa has caused me a great deal of pain. During my 8 years of dancing, I've broken my nose...leaving behind an impressive spray of blood spatter. I've been elbowed in the head so hard that I've gotten dizzy and seen stars. I've jammed my finger so badly I couldn't open my car door for 4 months afterwards. I've broken my toe and been unable to wear real shoes. I've fallen on my butt many a time. I've gotten gored by other girls' heels...and I've gored myself with my own heel. I've gotten blisters so bad that they bled through the napkin I stuck in my shoe in lieu of Bandaids. Through all of this (save the broken nose), I just kept dancing without missing a beat.
Why am I such a masochist when it comes to salsa? Well, it's not that I enjoy the pain...it's just that I enjoy dancing so much that it's worth enduring pain in order to experience it.
In fact, one time a few months ago, I remember a guy trying to spin me 30 times in a row. It was SO FUN, but as I was spinning I thought to myself, "I'm going so fast right now that it's possible I could spin right off my axis into the corner of that table and die." For a moment I considered aborting the spins. But then I thought, "No, if I'm going to die, this is the way I want to go. I'll risk it."
Okay, so I don't actually want to die. And honestly, I'd prefer not to endure any more broken bones or blisters. But what I'm saying is that salsa has taught me that some things are worth the pain. There's such a joy I experience when I'm dancing that it's worth it to me to risk suffering. Here's the thing: I could choose to dance at a level that avoids sweat and that avoids real risk. But to choose that half-hearted kind of dancing also means to avoid the level where the real joy is. And to me, I'd rather have the joy...even if it comes with the risk of pain.
This idea has made me reconsider the way I approach lots of things in life...like, for example, relationships. I could approach relationships on a surface level and avoid the risk of vulnerability and real pain. I could, when the relationships get difficult, just pull out to avoid discomfort. But to do so also avoids the possibility of real connection and real joy. I know this goes against the wisdom of the world. I know most people would tell me that if a relationship causes me any sort of suffering, I should just quit and cut my losses. And I'm not saying I enjoy pain and discomfort in relationships. But what I AM saying is that sometimes it's worth it. There are some people I love so much and have invested in so much that I'm willing to endure the broken noses and blisters if I think someday I might get to experience the dancer's high.
And honestly, I don't think I'm THAT far off base. After all, Hebrews 12:2 says that Jesus had the same thought process. He looked at the difficulties inherent in establishing a relationship with us...people who consistently screw him over, who really have nothing to offer him, and who are guaranteed to cause him suffering...and with all that in mind, it says this: "Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross." The cross!!! Talk about pain. So why did he endure it? Because the joy of getting us was so great that it was worth the pain to Jesus.
Let me tell you something...I'm REALLY GLAD Jesus thought a relationship with me was worth enduring pain, because if he hadn't chosen the pain it took to get to me, I'd still be the wretched, messy, hopeless, depressed social reject I described earlier. And believe me, that's no kind of life. Instead, now I'm CHOSEN. I'm PURSUED. And because Jesus took the suffering, I have joy awaiting me. That's life-changing. And since that's been done for me, I want to do that for the people I love. I want to be the one who says, "Sure, you might cause me pain...but you also have the potential to bring me such joy that I've decided you're worth the risk."
Salsa taught me that, as Theodore Roosevelt said, "Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty."
5. God used salsa to give me an inkling of heaven.
Salsa has brought me pain. But more often than that, salsa has brought me joy.
Now here's why this is so significant to me: Let's be real...most of the time, things in the world DON'T move in time together at all. People grate on me, I grate on others, nature is grated on by everything...heck, I'm even grating on myself. People can't understand each other. Or they don't TRY to understand each other. Or even when they try, intentions are miscommunicated and misinterpreted. The world around us is working against us...the food we eat, the air we breathe. Even our bodies are working against us...decaying, falling apart. The world is like an ungreased machine in which all the gears are grinding each other into powder.
The Bible acknowledges this sad state of the world: "The whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time." (Rom 8:22) Things AREN'T connected; things AREN'T moving in time together. And I guess that's why a great dance is so special and joyful to me...because it's a bright spot of harmony in a world full of grating and grinding and groaning.
Now, I don't think the world was SUPPOSED to be this way...always grating, grinding, groaning. I think the world as God created it was a whole lot more like a great dance where everything is moving in time together...a great dance with him as the leader. But I think everything got thrown off balance a long time ago when people decided to take control of the dance. And I think it gets thrown more off balance each time we fight his lead.
So I guess that's why a great dance brings me so much joy...it taps into that far-off memory trace of a time when things WERE all in place...and it taps into a desire to see that order restored.
See, I believe God IS going to restore the world to the paradise he intended it to be - that he's not just going to whisk me away to heaven, but that he's going to bring heaven back to earth. And although the fulfillment of that restoration is still in the future, I think we can see glimpses of the restoration he's already doing here on earth today. For me, salsa is a place where I sometimes get those inklings of the way the world is supposed to be.
And those inklings are what give me hope and keep me going in a world full of groaning...because if just a little glimpse of the restoration of God's order is this great...well, then, MY GOSH, how amazingly wonderful will the REAL thing be??? That Bible passage I quoted before calls these glimpses the "firstfruits" and says that they are what gives us hope during the suffering we're experiencing right now...knowing that no matter how bad things are right now, something awesome is coming that's going to make up for all of it.
Here's how C.S. Lewis says it: "The faint, far-off results of those energies which God’s creative rapture implanted in matter when He made the worlds are what we now call physical pleasures; and even thus filtered, they are too much for our present management. What would it be to
taste at the fountain-head that stream of which even these lower reaches prove so intoxicating? Yet that, I believe, is what lies before us. The whole man is to drink joy from the fountain of joy."
Geez Louise, if a taste of salsa water is this intoxicating, then I CAN'T WAIT to drink from the fountain-head. Salsa makes me long for God's restoration...because I don't think heaven looks like angels floating on clouds playing harps; I think heaven looks like God - the perfect dance leader -taking us by the hand and bringing everything back in time together in a breathtaking display of harmony and joy. Now that's hope.
So there you have it. God loves salsa. And because of the joy and life-transformation he's given me there, I love it too.
You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can't thank you enough. --Psalm 30:11-12
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