Having a dad changes everything

I was lucky enough to grow up with a dad who loved me and was involved in my life.

My dad came to all my games and performances. Usually he helped coach the team! My dad played dolls with me. He took me on trips - just him and me. He asked me to join him at his speaking engagements. He built tents with me in our basement and helped me with my math homework. He spent many nights telling me stories and teaching me to whistle, even though he knew I was just trying to avoid going to bed. My dad taught me to hear the Lord. Heck, my dad turned down promotions and quit his job at a national accounting firm because he was afraid it would keep him away from me too much. I have a good dad.


So with this model, you'd think I wouldn't have any issues relating to God as my father. But I've come to realize that most of the problems in my life stem from the inaccurate ways I picture God as my Dad.


AN ABANDONED ORPHAN
The most recent occurrence came this week as I was listening to an old series of messages from Crossroads called "A Place at the Table." Basically, the premise is that even though God has adopted us into his family, most of us still act like abandoned orphans.

During this series, some parents described behaviors of their adopted children that resulted from their experience as abandoned orphans.  So, for example...

• Abandoned orphans can't trust anyone, so they have attachment issues and they're guarded and defensive...not really letting anyone get too close. 
• Abandoned orphans aren't provided for, so they hoard and hide away any resources they obtain. 
• Abandoned orphans don't have any support or guidance, so they're independent and figure things out for themselves without relying on anyone else. 
• Abandoned orphans don't have a family identity, so they try to earn approval and develop their own identity some other way.

As I listened to these descriptions, it was startlingly clear that this description of an abandoned orphan fits me to a T. Those are ALL things I do. And that was really sad to me...because I'm NOT an abandoned orphan. I have a human dad who loves me...but more than that, I have a Dad in heaven who's crazy about me, who would NEVER abandon me, who calls me his treasured child, and who's given me a place at his table.

So knowing that this is who I am - a treasured child of God - I started to wonder why I'm not living in the fullness of the identity I've been given. Why am I moping around, feeling resigned to a desolate future, wearing rags and eating porridge...when I have the right to walk confidently in the royal robes of a princess who's due to inherit the world?


A SIGNIFICANT QUESTION
Last week I asked God that question..."Why don't I feel like a treasured child?"

I contemplated it for a long time, and eventually another question came to me - the answer to which I think explains my disconnect. The question was this..."How do you picture me?"

Well, lately I've been keeping my distance from God...mostly because there are things I'm holding on to that I'm afraid he'll tell me to give up. (Granted, I haven't actually ASKED him how he feels about those things...I just tend to assume he doesn't want me to have anything, so as soon as anything good comes within my reach, I hide it from him or get real quiet so he doesn't notice I've got it.)

So as I thought about it, I realized that I've been picturing my interaction with God like this:

I'm a bratty 2-year-old in a room filled with all sorts of random objects. I keep going around picking everything up...and God is following closely behind, slapping my hand and saying, "Put that down! Put that down!" 

In that scenario, I respond to our interaction in two ways.

1. First, the fact that he's reprimanding me makes me want to pick up those things even MORE because I'm obstinate and contrary. 
2. Second, I want to stay away from God because I hate always hearing "Put that down!" when there are so many interesting things out there that I'm curious about. I want to be able to pick them up and look at them and talk to my Dad about them openly, rather than having to hide the fact that I'm holding them...but I don't feel like I have the freedom to do that. 

So this leads to all my orphan tendencies...defensive, guarded, pushing God away, hoarding/hiding my stuff, trying to do things on my own. I act like this because it doesn't seem like God is for me; it seems like he's someone around whom I need to watch my back.

As I was contemplating this picture, though, this thought came to me..."So you don't actually think of me as your Dad; you think of me as your annoyed babysitter."

Whoa. That thought was novel to me. Honestly, my interaction with children is usually the one I just described...they're going around being annoying, and I'm following on their heels, grabbing things from their greedy hands, thinking, "OH MY GOSH, why can't you just sit down and stop messing things up!!!" This seems like a normal interaction to me. So to think that maybe God is not so annoyed, overprotective and controlling as I am was actually kind of hard to believe. After all, when 2-year-olds pick up dangerous objects, it's very likely that something or someone is going to get broken or put out of place! So it seems like God SHOULD be following me around telling me to put things down! Otherwise I'm just going to make a mess of my life. If he's not an annoyed babysitter, then what exactly is our interaction like?


A NEW PICTURE
I pondered this for several days until something clicked for me during a conversation with my brother. Andy was talking about the way he interacts with his 4-year-old, and he said that even though some people think he's crazy, he's taught Audie to use a saw and other tools. He said that rather than just telling Audie to stay away from dangerous things altogether, it makes more sense for him to teach Audie the proper way to use those things and to guide him as they use those tools together. He said he thinks this approach will help Audie to develop wisdom in knowing how and when to use dangerous objects; whereas just banning him from those objects may create safety, but no real growth.

With this, a light bulb went on! What if this is how God interacts with me? What if he DOES want growth for me rather than settling for safety? What if a truer picture of God is this:

My Dad and I are in a room, and as I go around looking at things and touching them, God is smiling and relaxed. He's saying, "Look at all these cool things, Jill! Go ahead...pick them up! Let me show you how to use them the right way. Let's do it together." 

A TREASURED CHILD
Now I don't know for sure if this picture is completely accurate. But I DO know that it creates a totally different reaction in me than the first scenario does.

• This picture of God makes me feel really free...like I don't have to hide anything anymore - like I can just tell my Dad about the things I'm holding, and then because we're having open dialogue, I'll trust his opinion of whether I should put it down because I won't feel as if he's always just slapping my hand about everything I pick up.
• This picture makes me feel really safe...like my Dad is going to show me the correct way to use things so I don't get hurt or hurt someone else.
• This picture makes me feel validated...like my Dad trusts me and thinks I have the potential and ability to use things correctly.
• This picture makes me feel purposeful...like my Dad has a plan for my life and wants me to participate in the family mission, so he 's going to teach me the valuable skills I'll need to accomplish that.
• This picture makes me feel provided for...like my Dad WANTS me to have stuff - like his objective isn't to take things away and leave me sitting there bored, but to give me stuff and then to use it WITH me.

This new picture is really comforting to me. I like knowing that my Dad thinks I actually have a good head on my shoulders; that I don't have to prove myself to him. At the same time, I also like the thought that my Dad wants to do things WITH me - that he doesn't just expect me to figure out life on my own. I need to know that he's helping me; that he's guiding me. In that case, I'm not abandoned; I'm planned for.

For some reason, as I meditated on that picture of my Dad, I just started to BELIEVE it. I mean, I actually FELT like a treasured child. And when I did, all the fruit of the Spirit that's been absent lately came rushing back with a vengeance. I've been sooooo defensive lately, but in that moment, it all just washed off me. I just felt so GOOD...knowing that no matter what happens, I have a Dad who's taking care of me and who's on my side. And he NOTICES me...not in an annoyed way, but in a tender, excited way. I mean, he more than notices me. He can't keep his mind off of me! He thinks I'm interesting! He wants to spend time with me!  He wants to do life with me. He thinks I'm worth teaching. He gets me. When I believed that, suddenly everything felt right in the world. It didn't have anything to do with my circumstances or the things I was holding and hiding...it just had to do with me knowing my Dad's got my back.

I NEED TO KNOW MY DAD

And then something occurred to me.

My picture of God is REALLY, REALLY important. It dictates the way I respond to him. It dictates the way I act and feel. It dictates the the way I view the world and everyone else in it. And because of that, I really need to have a correct picture of my Dad...because if my picture of my Dad is skewed, then everything else will be skewed as well. Having a skewed picture of my Dad is what causes me to act like an abandoned orphan, and it's what causes me to make stupid decisions with the stuff I pick up. On the other hand, understanding the way my Dad truly interacts with me is what causes me to live like a treasured child, to bear fruit and to live wisely.

A.W. Tozer said, "...the gravest question before any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like."

I think that's true. And to me, the implication is this: 

I need to know who my Dad is. And the only way to do that is to spend time with him. But the only way I'll WANT to spend time with him is if I know who he is and don't let my skewed pictures get in the way!

It's kind of a vicious cycle! I need to spend time with him in order to know him...but I won't spend time with him until I know him! Aaaaaaaah!

So what am I going to do about this dilemma? I finally reached two conclusions:

1. I need to JUST COME CLOSE to him...even when I don't want to, even when I've got 50 million excuses, even when he seems unapproachable, even when I'm holding things I think I need to hide. Coming close is the only way to resolve my skewed pictures.
2. I need his help in coming close to him. I need him to draw me to himself when I'm a kicking, screaming 2-year-old who'd rather throw a temper tantrum than surrender to her Dad's hug. I need him to reveal himself to me when I'm holding on to crazy pictures of him in my head. I need him to whisper to this abandoned orphan who I really am..."This is my treasured child, in whom I am well pleased."

So that's what I've been doing this week...calling out to my Dad and saying, "You say you're my Dad. So show me what you're really like." 

I have to believe that's a prayer he wants to answer.

God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. --Romans 8:14-16

My delusions of superiority

I noticed a pattern in my life this past weekend. The pattern was this:

I have delusions of superiority.

Basically, in nearly every situation where I have some knowledge or experience, I default to the assumption that I know best; I'm right; I'm in the top category; I'm the authority who can correct others, but who is beyond the need for correction myself.

I noticed this response happening 4 times in just one weekend. Generally, when things show up like that repeatedly in a short span, I figure God wants to say something about it, so I started listening. I'll describe the incidents in order from silliest to most disturbing.



INCIDENT #1
I was in a Cuban salsa class...which is somewhat different from the linear style I typically dance. As I was learning a certain move, the guy leading the class told me I was doing the footwork wrong. But I consider myself a decent dancer. I've been told I follow well, and I've practiced extensively with the best of the best. So when this guy told me I was wrong, my automatic assumption was that if I was doing it wrong, it's only because he was leading me wrong. It was HIS fault. And I told him that.

But as the class went on, I came to realize that I was, in fact, doing the footwork incorrectly. Oops. And it wasn't until I finally humbled myself that I was able to correct it and do it right.

INCIDENT #2
That same weekend, I was at a church event where they described 4 stages of Christian maturity and told us to evaluate which stage we're in right now. As I looked at the 4 stages, my immediate reaction was, "Of course I'm in the top stage! After all, I'm Jill Grear!!! Now let me look for some evidence to support that."

As I looked for that evidence, though, the sad fact was that I found much more to suggest I was in Stage 1 (or Stage -1 if that existed) than Stage 4. Yikes. So I immediately searched for ways to explain away that negative evidence and justify why my initial categorization was correct.

It suddenly occurred to me, though...might it be more realistic to look at the evidence FIRST and use said evidence to evaluate which category I'm in...than to automatically assume I'm in the top category and then look for evidence to support that assumption? What makes me think I'm so great? After all, if anyone else approached it with the automatic assumption that they were on top, I'd consider them delusional. So what does that make me? Hmmm...

INCIDENT #3
The next day at our church service, our pastor spoke about being a hypocrite. When I heard the message, my first reaction was, "This is really good. People need to hear this and stop being hypocrites...especially _____ and ______. How can I make sure they listen to this message?"

But even as I was thinking that, a voice in my head started saying, "Really, Jill??? You're not a hypocrite but everyone else is??? Didn't God tell you to make a certain phone call this weekend? And have you done it? No. Oh, yeah...and what about the fact that you go around telling people how wonderful it is to spend time in the presence of God and listen to him...when's the last time you did that? Riiiiiiiight. And how about the fact that lately you've been deliberately making your best friend look stupid...would you say that's Christlike? Not to mention...what about that thing you KNEW you shouldn't do last weekend, and yet you made excuses for yourself and did it anyway? Who needs to stop being a hypocrite???"

And it suddenly became clear that it's pretty delusional for me to go into the hypocrite judgment business...when I myself am a hypocrite who deserves to be judged.

INCIDENT #4
The fourth incident happened when a friend implied that if people have ever experienced a certain calamity, they're to blame for it because they've allowed bitterness to take root in their lives. I got REALLY offended by this...mainly because my family has experienced this calamity, and I wouldn't be surprised if I personally encountered it at some point in my life. It's bad enough to go through this calamity, but the implication that it's my own fault...that it's a consequence of my own failure...well, that was more than I could take.

I pretty much wanted to shove this friend off a cliff. Who is SHE to tell ME I have bitterness in my life??? Who made her the judge over me??? Doesn't she know who my family is? We're top category Christians, so how could she possibly imply that we somehow deserved this calamity??? And maybe we should take a look at HER life...after all, I could list PLENTY of instances of bitterness in HER life, so maybe she deserves to experience this calamity as well. And isn't it possible this calamity is just a result of living in this screwed up world, not necessarily a punishment or a consequence of my own spiritual failure?

But as I was seething at her audacity to tell ME - Jill Grear - that I have a spiritual problem...I suddenly had this thought, "Well, Jill, DO you have bitterness in your life?" The question just kept reverberating through my heart until I finally calmed down enough to consider the answer. And if I was honest, the answer had to be yes. The next thought that came to me was, "So maybe her approach was bad and maybe her implications are wrong...but wouldn't it be more productive to just admit you have bitterness and ask the Lord to help you with it than to get all up in arms about this affront to your superior spiritual status?" Eek. Probably.


WHY THIS BOTHERED ME
So...these were the 4 incidents that got me thinking.

What bothered me most wasn't so much the fact that I got taken down a few pegs this weekend. The thing that REALLY bothered me was the fact that as long as I'm so concerned with proving I'm superior, I will never be close to God. (Oh, I might THINK I'm close to him because it feels good to see myself as an authority, and I attribute that high to being in God's presence...but in reality, that's self-righteousness; not joy.)


WHO CONNECTS WITH JESUS
See, I've been reading through the Gospels, and something I've realized is this: The people who connect with Jesus...the people who experience true life transformation...the people who receive praise from him...are NEVER the ones who claim to have it all together. It's NEVER the ones who assume they're in the top category. It's NEVER the ones who think they're spiritually superior. The ones who connect with Jesus are ALWAYS the ones who admit they're broken & needy & undeserving.

So, for example, the ones who receive from Jesus are people who say stuff like:
Have mercy on me!
Save me!
Help me!

The ones who receive from Jesus are the blind, the deaf, the lepers, the Samaritan women, the adulterers, the people in need who ADMIT they're in need. They don't waste all their time trying to prove how they're NOT actually blind, deaf, etc. They don't try to convince Jesus of why they deserve respect. They just admit their weaknesses, needs, and failures...and then they ask for his mercy.


WHO DOESN'T CONNECT WITH JESUS
On the other hand, the people who experience complete disconnect from Jesus...the people who go away from him angry and bitter...the people who receive condemnation from him...are the ones who think they know best. It's the ones who think they're in the top category. It's the ones who see everyone else's problems but not their own. It's the ones who get all up in arms at the implication that they have spiritual weaknesses.

The ones who experience complete disconnect from Jesus are people who say stuff like:
We're top-category Christians and we have no spiritual weaknesses! How can you say we need help?(Jn 8:33, Jill's International Version)

The ones who experience complete disconnect from Jesus are the Pharisees. And worst of all, they're the ones who THINK they're closest to God. But in reality, they're the farthest of all. THEY'RE the ones who receive condemnation from Jesus; the helpless never do.

And I realized this weekend that that's what I am - a Pharisee.


WHY DOES JESUS CONNECT WITH THE HELPLESS?
But this seems counterintuitive. Why would being in the good category make me FARTHER from God???

Well, Jesus said he came to:
proclaim good news to the poor.
...to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free...(Luke 4:18)

So basically this says Jesus came to connect with the poor in spirit, the enslaved, the spiritually blind, the oppressed. It doesn't say he came to connect with the top category people who already know everything and have no need for help.

In fact, Jesus said, It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. For I have not come to call the righteous but sinners. (Matt 9:12-13)

Jesus is not a cheerleader who came to root me on in my self-salvation efforts; Jesus is a savior. Jesus is a lifesaver. Jesus is a healer. He doesn't want to leave me in my poor/enslaved/blind/oppressed state. But if I can't admit I'm there in the first place, then basically I have no need for him. As long as I say I'm not sick, I won't see the doctor, and I won't take the medicine. So it's bad enough to be a delusional Stage -1 hypocrite filled with bitterness...but it's way worse to be a delusional Stage -1 hypocrite filled with bitterness who THINKS she's superior...because in that state I don't even know I have a problem.

That's why Jesus says, Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matt 5:3) The poor in spirit are those who realize they have nothing to offer...who KNOW they're in dire straits, and who set aside all their religious posturing and self-justification so that they can turn to someone who can save them.

WHY DO I LIVE IN DELUSIONS OF SUPERIORITY?

So knowing this, why in the world do I continue to live in my delusions of superiority? 

I guess deep down, I believe what makes me acceptable...what makes me a worthwhile person...what makes me worthy of respect...what makes me justified before myself and God is being the best...being in the top category...being strong...being superior. After all, that's the way the world works, right?

But what God is showing me over and over again is that he doesn't work the way the world works.

The Bible doesn't say:

Blessed are the strong, top category people for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. or

Be the best and then God will accept you! or

When you no longer have any problems and weaknesses, THEN you've made it.

On the contrary, it says:

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:10)

Humble yourself before the Lord, and HE will lift you up. 

What I've been doing is trying to lift MYSELF up. And sometimes I fool myself into thinking it's working, but in reality it's just smokescreens. How could I possibly be good enough to impress God???

What I need is to accept the fact that I'm a lost cause and then allow HIM to lift me up...to stop making improvements to my own dilapidated identity and just accept the NEW identity he's offering...the identity of his son.

Of course, doing that is a blow to my pride...after all, I can no longer claim that I've pulled myself up by the boot straps and done it myself. 

That's why I think the greatest step of faith is not to quit my job and move to a foreign country and become a missionary, because in the end, that might just contribute to my delusions of top-categoriness. Rather, I think the greatest step of faith is to admit I'm in the lowest category possible...and that I have NO HOPE of getting out of there myself. The greatest step of faith is to identify myself with the weak sinners. The greatest step of faith is to admit I'm helpless & stupid.

And that's when the healer steps in. Humble yourself before the Lord, and HE will lift you up...but only when I stop trying to lift myself up. Oswald Chambers said: The knowledge of my poverty brings me to the frontier where Jesus Christ works. As long as a man is sufficient for himself, God can do nothing for him.

If that's the case, then that's the frontier where I want to be...the frontier where Jesus is.

The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: “The person who believes God, is set right by God—and that’s the real life.” (Gal 3:11-12)

My deepest, darkest secret...

Last week I described my fear of being a loser. Many responded, shocked that I think of myself that way. As I analyzed the disconnect between my perception of myself and theirs, I realized it comes down to this:

You don't know my deepest, darkest secret...You don't know the Original Jill.

You don't know the Jill who existed pre-2006. That's because I rarely accept facebook friends who knew me prior to that time. (So if you slipped through the cracks, consider yourself lucky and don't make yourself known!) You see, Original Jill is very different from the Current Jill you see today. Original Jill hid in the shadows and was afraid of everything. Original Jill was ashamed of herself. Original Jill didn't talk to human beings. Original Jill was desperate, needy, & pathetic. In short, Original Jill was a loser.

Here in 2014, I don't think about her all that much. Honestly, I'd prefer to keep her a secret...but after taking time to recall what she was like and what caused her transformation, I've realized that my 27 years with her definitely shape the way I view myself, God, and life. So while I find it highly unlikely that ANYONE out there is as pathetic as Original Jill, I'm going to bring her out of hiding on the off-chance that someone can relate to her. (I have to say, I'm a little worried that once you meet her, you'll realize you should have rejected me long ago!) But the story of what happened to her is awesome enough to risk that possibility.

So...I think the best approach is to let her describe herself in her own words. The following is a journal entry from March 2006 in which she sums herself up fairly well. It's pretty embarrassing, and I'm still a bit sensitive about it. But I'm sharing it because it's necessary to explain how things changed for me. I'm using fake names and deliberately not tagging my family on this post because the last thing I want to do is blame anyone or make them feel bad. I'm sure there were factors behind their actions that I don't understand. I'm simply telling the way I interpreted these situations to explain how I felt and why. So here's Original Jill:

MARCH 21, 2006 :

The overarching theme of my life is that I'm judged based on my relationships with others, and according to that standard I'm failing.

The first time I remember being rejected was 4th grade when Betsy and Ann started a club that I was deliberately excluded from. That's when I started to think of myself as a nerd, especially when all the other girls started having boyfriends in 5th and 6th grade, but no one liked me. Once I was established in the "nerd group," I started to believe that that was who I was. This was reinforced when my cousin Jamie, whom I had always admired, got way too cool for me. I figured it made sense, since I was a nerd, and she wasn't.

Luckily I had a good relationship with my family. I liked my parents when other kids were embarrassed to be seen with theirs. I fit in with my family...except that my grandma liked my brother far more than she liked me. It made sense, though. He was funny, energetic, athletic and cool, whereas I was just a boring, shy nerd.

I went to a private school for 7th & 8th grade. Everyone there was clinically messed up, while I was a normal girl from a normal family. Obviously, I didn't fit in there. My one friend was Tara, who made fun of me for not knowing all the obscene things she knew. She condescended to be my friend because I needed one, but it was understood that I was just a naïve little girl. At this time, I was rejected by all my childhood friends (Nancy – I’m too good for you because I go to Walnut Hills; Jody – The only time I see you is at softball games; and Jamie – I’m too cool for you). The fact that I was unlikable was confirmed to me the day our teacher told us to say something nice about everyone in the class. The best thing Kemya could say about me was, "When I first met Jill, I didn't like her at all. But now I think she's okay." I figured that was the sentiment of pretty much everyone who knew me.

When I went to high school, I found a group, and though I didn't fit in with most of them, I really liked Amy and Irene. We did a lot together, but I always felt like the outsider when they'd talk about their past experiences together. Still, I much preferred them to the rest of the group, who interrupted me whenever I tried to talk and then looked at me as if what I'd said was the weirdest thing they'd ever heard. Then Irene rejected me. It didn't bother me too much because I was best friends with Amy...until Amy said we couldn't be friends anymore because my family was too normal for me to understand what she was going through in hers. That was one of the lowest points of my life. What good is a girl whose own best friend rejects her?

At the same time, my dad was going through a lot of trouble in his business. Whereas he'd always been one of my confidants - the person I could talk to about anything - he became distant, and I felt like he didn't really want to hear anything I had to say to him. This was when I decided that I don’t have anything worth saying. I mean, my friends interrupted me whenever I spoke, and my dad acted like he didn't care when I said anything. What other conclusion is there?

I became friends with Melissa, but it was clear that this was similar to my middle school friendship with Tara.  She was the cool one, and I was honored to have her hang around with such a nerd. When we graduated, she was done with me and moved on to bigger and better things. Now she pretends we never knew each other.

We can’t forget about Melanie, whose greatest joy in high school was annoying the little nerd girl in health class.  She'd put gum in my chair, threaten to beat me up, etc., all for the entertainment of our class. Even the student teacher helped out by making fun of me, too.

When prom came, I asked 3 guys to go with me – all of whom said no. Of course! Why would they want to go with a nerd with nothing worthwhile to say?  I didn't fit in with the cool people...or even the uncool people, for that matter.

In college I had a group of 5 friends. While I fit in with Gina, I always felt uncomfortable with the others. Sheri and Emily thought I was too immature to tell me anything worthwhile. Jessica interrupted every word I said, made fun of me, and told me that if a person doesn't already have friends, they're not worth becoming a friend. Kate was just far more concerned about her boyfriend. At this point, I didn't feel quite as much like the extreme nerd I'd been, but I still figured it was best not to burden people by being friendly to them, because then they'd have to figure out how to get rid of me politely. I concluded that the best way for me to love people was by staying away from them so they wouldn't be forced to deal with me.

I talked about this with a woman from Campus Crusade. She told me it was a sin to be shy, and that I should just get over it. "Well, that’s great," I thought. "My entire personality is wrong and stupid. This just proves that I shouldn't burden others with myself."

When I graduated, the only friend I had left was Gina. I moved home, where my dad was still in his distant mode. I got a job and liked it okay, but I didn't really fit in there, either. All the young teachers had boyfriends, and as I was told in college, I just can’t understand anything they're saying because I don’t have one myself. Again, I'm just a naïve little nerd.

All my life, I'd gotten along with my brother. When we were young, he looked up to me. By this point, Andy was pretty much grown up, and I really wanted to be friends with him, but I wasn't cool enough. He wouldn't let me be around his friends, and I figured it was because I might embarrass him by saying one of my pointless things or exhibiting my nerdiness. I repeatedly asked him to do things with me, but he said no every time. This just proved that I was unworthy of friendships. My own dad, brother, and grandma didn't want to be around me - much less anyone else.

I moved in with Gina to escape from my moody dad and brother, and things were good for a while. Gina had a friend Anne who let me hang out with her. I was glad to have another companion...though I never said much – and definitely nothing of substance – to her. In fact, I decided that was my game plan. It would be better for everyone if I'd just interject little funny comments, but not try to carry a real conversation.

A year later, Gina, my one friend who I actually talked to about anything, started dating Steve. I was convinced that she'd do the same thing to me as everyone else I'd ever cared about – find someone better and either keep me on out of pity, or just reject me altogether. I decided I’d better find another friend ASAP, so I went on a mission to include Debbie in our group. After Gina and Steve broke up, she, Anne, Debbie, and I became pretty close friends. I really liked them, though they continued to show me I had nothing worthwhile to say by interrupting me whenever I talked. That’s okay, because my expectation of friendship was now to just have a companion so I wouldn't be lonely or be seen as a total nerd. I accepted the fact that no one wanted to hear anything I had to say, so I didn't say anything real.

A while later, Gina started dating Jeff. At the same time, Anne was dating Toby, and I felt like both of my closest friends had found someone much more interesting and worthwhile to spend their time with. They were cool now, and I was still the nerd who had NEVER had a guy like me. And why would a guy like me? Why would anyone ever like me? I was stupid and uncool with nothing to say and no attractive qualities. I went out 3 times with Ryan, but he doesn't really count as a guy. There were the 2 blind dates in high school, and though I didn't really like either one, it was disappointing that they didn't like me just a little. I went out once with Yuri, who then told me he just didn't think we fit in together. What a surprise! I don’t fit in with anyone! I emailed Alex for a while, who also said he didn't think we were a good match. Whatever. So no guys liked me, and now my friends were obviously on a plane above me, since men actually liked them.

I decided I’d better find new friends, since mine were abandoning me. I joined a small group with John, whose biggest love was community. According to him, you're stupid and worthless if you don’t have 20 million friends. Of course, I certainly don’t live up to that standard, so there’s just another example of the theme of my life.

Then we read the book “Waking the Dead.” In the book, John Eldredge said sometimes Satan tells you lies about yourself, and then he rearranges things and influences people to do things so that you'll believe the lies are actually true. I wonder if this could be the case for me. Could it be true that I'm not perpetually worthless; that it's just a lie of Satan and he's been arranging things to make it appear true? If so, that would be life-changing. But it's hard for me to believe that I'm not a worthless idiot with so much evidence to the contrary.

I'm also realizing that this belief about myself contributes to my consistency problem with God. It's hard to believe that God accepts you as you are when NO ONE else does. I feel like my whole life is judged based on my friendships, and I have nothing to show for myself. I don’t fit in with anyone.  The only way I can fake fitting in with people is to stay somewhat distant and removed so that the other person doesn't realize I'm there or that they should reject me. Or I can fit in by being really good at things and being helpful in that way. But I've tried both of these tactics with God, and they don’t work. I don’t want to fake fitting in with God. I want a real relationship. Though I believe God loves me just the way I am, I want to KNOW it. Though I believe my life is not judged based on the number of friends I have, I want to KNOW it. Though I believe in God, I want to KNOW Him.

____________________________________________________________________________

Wow. So that's Original Jill circa 2006. I don't know if it's possible to adequately convey how pathetic I was. I literally DID NOT SPEAK TO HUMANS unless it couldn't be avoided...and when it couldn't, I'd rehearse repeatedly ahead of time. I DREADED meeting new people, because that just meant new people to reject me. I expected to be rejected and prepared for it...because I thought I deserved it. I was convinced that no one liked me...ever. And I always attributed this to my own unworthiness...never to other people's rudeness. I was paralyzed by the voice that constantly whispered to me: "Who you are isn't good enough. You aren't worth anyone's time or interest."

The crazy part is...beneath the layers of scar tissue, defense mechanisms, and poor social skills, I really thought there might be a normal, vibrant, worthwhile girl down there - one worthy of respect - but since no one else seemed interested in looking past the surface, I wasn't sure if that was just wishful thinking.


POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS
My parents tried to encourage me. They'd tell me that people DID like me; that it was all in my head. But that just insulted my intelligence and made things worse! What this said to me was: Not only are you unlikable...but you're also incapable of interpreting reality. Now how does THAT improve my self-image? This wasn't a solution; it was just ignoring the evidence. If you want me to believe that people like me, then explain the 50 million people who have rejected me! Don't just act like I imagined it! (Sorry, I'm getting a little emotional thinking back on it.)

Others said I shouldn't worry what other people think of me; it only matters what I think. But that was ridiculous advice because a) I think I'm a piece of shit! and b) if I think a piece of shit is great, doesn't that just mean I have lower standards? So I'm unlikable...AND I have bad taste. How is that helpful?

Still others said that if people didn't like me, I needed to improve myself. Smile more! Be more outgoing! Look prettier! Be more interesting! So I bought a new wardrobe, developed new talents, read self-improvement books and learned all the tactics. I even taught myself to walk differently! But it was exhausting to put on a permanent act. Besides, this wasn't ME. So even if people liked New & Improved Jill, it didn't prove to me that I was good enough.

The worst was this...I needed someone to like me so that I wouldn't be so desperate and needy. But as long as I was desperate and needy, no one would like me! So where's the solution to that conundrum? I was a mess and it didn't seem there was any hope for Original Jill.


WHAT CHANGED THINGS
So what changed things for me? Well, in 2006, my church did this series called "ID," in which we looked at where we got our identity. That was pretty relevant for me, so I dove in head first. As I pondered some deep questions, the most significant was this:

Q: In your heart of hearts, how do you believe God sees you?
A: Although I know otherwise, I feel like God sees me as pathetic, inconsistent, and boring...just like everyone else does.

Eek. I'm choking back tears just reading my answer from 8 years ago. NO WONDER I was so desperate, needy and pathetic...believing that this was the way my creator saw me. Here's the thing...I knew this wasn't the correct biblical answer. But for the first time in my life, I finally admitted what I actually BELIEVED. And in admitting it, I was finally able to ask God what he really thought...and then HEAR him when he answered.

And I believe he did answer...not audibly, of course. But one day I just had this thought: "Look, more people probably like you than you think. But let's not argue that; it's not the point. The point is this - even if people don't like you or think you're not worth their time or interest, THEY'RE WRONG. I like you. I want to be with you. I say you're good just the way you are. And I'm God, so I'm right." 

It was a thought that just wouldn't go away. It struck me deep in the heart, and it brought life & freedom & joy...and for some reason I just deeply believed it. And since it wasn't a thought I would have EVER come up with myself, and it lined up with the Bible, I figured it must be God. THIS was the word of validation I needed to heal my desperation and neediness...not a word from other people, but from my creator.

I can't say that all my problems were immediately solved or that I suddenly blossomed into a popular social butterfly, but that was the moment when things started to turn around. Though I was SCARED TO DEATH, I started making small decisions to step out based on what God had said. And the more small steps I took, the more I believed it. The biggest change was a sense of confidence and acceptance deep within me. It no longer mattered so much what others thought, and with the pressure off, I was able to step out of my comfort zone and enter the world of human beings. The funny thing is...once I didn't need people to like me, I started to recognize that a lot of people did.

WHERE I AM TODAY
For the past 8 years, I've been learning how to interact normally with human beings. Now a lot of people do like me. I'm still not the charismatic charmer I always wanted to be, but I no longer wake up every day ashamed of who I am. In fact, unless there's a crisis, I usually don't think too much about my identity at all!

Though I occasionally still hear the accusations, God's been teaching me to counteract them by preaching truth to myself. So when I hear the voice whispering, "Who you are isn't good enough," I respond with, "Well, as a matter of fact, you're right. But Jesus switched identities with me and now I have his identity. And that identity is good enough. So there." When I hear, "You aren't worth anyone's time or interest," I say, "Okay, maybe people think that. But if so, they're wrong...because God thinks I'm so worth his time and interest that he moved heaven and earth to rescue me! So there."

The hardest part is that after 27 years of protecting myself, it's hard for me to know normal ways to react to situations. I never know if my natural instinct is right or wrong, so I do a lot of back-and-forth, analysis, and repentance. I know my friends and family get annoyed when I get all flow-charty and occasionally still react like Original Jill would. I get annoyed with myself! But when I think about how far God has brought me, I have to give myself credit for progress.

And God seems VERY interested in my progress this year. I still engage MANY strategies to avoid rejection...and slowly but surely, he's been stripping me of those. It's painful and it makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and stupid. On the other hand...this is a place where I really have to listen to God in order to survive. Because of that, this is the area of my life where he's spoken to me most; where he's shown up for me most; where he's changed me most. I wouldn't trade that for the world! Plus, anything that forces me to rely on him more is actually a strength, I think!

Besides that, God has used my time with Original Jill to improve the way I treat others.
1) As I'm learning how to be human, I REALLY want people to give me grace rather than dismissing me or rolling their eyes when I stumble. So it's only fair for me to extend that same grace to others!
2) I'm extremely loyal to my friends because I don't want ANYONE to experience what I've been through.
3) I run toward the outcast and the loser because I know how terrible it feels to be rejected.
4) I remember how much Original Jill LONGED for someone to look beneath her external presentation to see the core, valuable person within. So today I am passionate about seeing past the surface to the valuable core person in others.

Here's what it all comes down to...
I truly believe that if we were humble enough to drop our fig leaves and admit it, we're really ALL desperate, needy, and pathetic losers. But just like Original Jill, at the same time as we're desperate, needy, and pathetic, we're also LOVED. We're loved passionately by our creator.

And when I see the way he loves me - even when I'm a loser - that brings me out of my shell and makes me fall in love with him, too.

On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised. Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood, and as you lay there in your blood I said to you, “Live!” --Ezekiel 16:4-6

I'm a loser...and I'm done fighting it

I'm going to tell an embarrassing story that will make you think I'm ridiculous and immature. Both descriptions are definitely true. But my ridiculous problem clued me in to some deeper issues and made me realize this: a) I'm a loser, and b) I'm done fighting it.


MY RIDICULOUS PROBLEM
Recently I found out Monday night salsa dancing was going to be canceled. Now, for the past 7 years, I've spent every Monday night salsa dancing...and loving it. On the dance floor, the true Jill shines through. (Well, when the hair is out of the way.)

So when I found out it was ending for good, sadness would have been a normal reaction. But I didn't experience just sadness; I experienced PANIC.

Why did I panic? Well, I'd been planning to quit my Monday night volleyball league at the end of the season because it's no fun. But I realized...if I don't have salsa OR volleyball on Monday nights, that means I won't have any planned activities!!! That's where the panic entered in. Free time is not an option in my book. But how was I going to fill my time without volleyball or salsa??? My mind raced as I brainstormed "Ways to Spend a Monday Night," but I couldn't think of anything.

Regretfully I figured I'd better continue playing volleyball. I didn't WANT to, but I didn't seem to have any other option. See, the voices in my head kept saying, "If you sit at home by yourself, you're a loser."


MY RIDICULOUS BELIEF
Now, in Jill World, this is a persuasive argument because I've spent most of my life thinking I'm a loser...and yet desperately trying to prove I wasn't. Growing up, I was a quiet person in a world that values charisma; an ugly duckling in a world that values beauty; a deep thinker in a world that values sound bites. I spent most of my life not fitting in, so the implicit message I received was that there was something wrong with me. I tried to compensate for my lack of social prowess by being really, really good at everything else I did. That helped...but deep down I always knew I didn't measure up. Visual evidence:

This judgment was solidified during college when my hallmate Jessica told me, "If a person doesn't already have friends, then I don't want to be their friend because there must be something wrong with them." Ouch! That stuck with me because I DIDN'T have friends...and I'd always worried that this was the reason - that there was something wrong with me; that I was a loser who didn't deserve friends. Jessica validated that fear.

Basically, what I internalized was this:

• If, at any moment, people aren't choosing me, it's proof that I'm not worthy of being chosen. 
• If there's ever a moment when I have nothing to do but sit by myself, then I'm a loser.

And I soooooo don't want to be a loser. But since I've never been good at attracting people or getting them to choose me, I decided from then on, I'd better not EVER waste an opportunity to get "chosen." I'd better do whatever it takes to always have friends so that others will think I'm worthy of being their friend. And that is what led to my irrational present-day PANIC when salsa was canceled and it looked like I'd have to sit by myself every Monday night and wallow in my unworthiness. My real panic was not about salsa, but about the fact that my loser-ness was going to be revealed.


MY RIDICULOUS CONVERSATION
As I pondered this, it occurred to me, "Jill, you've been saying you want to set aside more time to spend with God. Monday nights are a perfect opportunity!" But my immediate reaction to that idea was, "But...but...but...then I'll be a loser." As I thought it, I realized how lame it was. My rejection of God clued me in to the possibility of deeper spiritual issues, so I tried to listen to what he might be saying.

It seemed he was saying this: "Jill, you don't need to fill all your time in a desperate quest to prove your worthiness. I want you to trust me by quitting your Monday night team - even without a plan for how you'll fill your time. Maybe I have something I want you to do during that time! In the meantime, why don't you spend your Monday nights with me? I choose you. I always choose you. Isn't that enough?"

I know it should have been comforting to hear God say he chose me, but honestly, my heart just sank when I heard it...because to me, God's request was a death sentence. To obey him would lead to permanent loser-dom. Why would he want that for me?


MY RIDICULOUS OVERSIGHT
At first I tried to downplay the whole conversation as something I made up. After all, surely God wouldn't call me to be a loser! But suddenly I remembered numerous instances when God's instructions made me look like a loser:

• I used to attend a group where no one noticed I existed. I'd get so frustrated every week, trying to make people notice me! Then God said, "Your purpose here is to make OTHERS feel special; not to get yourself noticed." That was so hard, because only losers are completely ignored!

• When my closest friend decided I was no longer worthy of her time or interest, I wanted to reject her right back. But God said, "No, your job is to love her, regardless of how she's treating you." But that was SO HARD because if I appeared desperate and needy, I'd be a loser!

• I had a co-worker who laughed at things that weren't funny...like she'd say, "I'm going to eat lunch," and then nearly die laughing. I deliberately refused to laugh with her because I felt it was my job to teach her appropriate times to laugh. But one day God said, "Why can't you just laugh with her...not because you think it's funny, but just to make her feel good?" But that was really hard because if I laughed at unfunny things like she did, I'd be a loser, too!

• Or here's a big one...when I was a teacher, I was pretty sure God wanted me to quit my career. But my identity and self-worth were based on being a fantastic teacher! If I quit teaching, then I wouldn't have anything to prove I was worthwhile. If I wasn't a teacher, I'd be a loser!

I could go on and on with these examples, and my list prompted me to ask God, "Are you aware that you continually ask me to be a loser???" I thought about this for days, during which I read the Gospel of Matthew. In that book, I saw such a pattern among Jesus' words that it suddenly occurred to me that I was asking the wrong question! The question I should have been asking was this: "Why am I so surprised that he's asking me to be a loser?"

After all, Jesus came right out and SAID that in order to follow him, you have to be a loser. If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. (Matt 16:24-25) In fact, he said similar things at least 7 times in the book of Matthew alone. (10:37-39, 19:21, 19:30, 20:16, 20:26-27, 23:11-12) Clearly, Jesus wasn't hiding this in the fine print! So why in the world does it shock me each time he tells me to do something that will make me a loser?! I don't know.

But what I do know is that my ridiculous Monday night problem is an example of the kind of thing Jesus means when he tells me to deny myself and lose my life for him. He's telling me to give up all the ways I try to prove my life is worthwhile...all the ways I try to make a name for myself...all the ways I strive to be worthy.

He wants me to stop fighting against being a loser and just accept it.


MY RIDICULOUS FEAR
In my head, I know it would be freeing to just accept being a loser. That would mean the end of my relentless striving to prove myself. That would mean the end of my constant self-examination...the end of my PANIC when activities get canceled or when people reject me...the end of my agreement to let Jessica rule my life! It would be relaxing to know that I could enjoy my time...whether I'm with people or by myself...without constantly worrying about my image. I'd already know I'm a loser, so there'd be no more nail biting and wondering!

In fact, I think that's partly what Jesus means when he says whoever loses his life for me will find it. He knows that my desperate quest against loser-hood isn't abundant life, it's survival. I can only find life and freedom and rest when I'm okay with who I am and not always worried about proving myself.

But honestly, that is really, really scary to me.

I guess I'm worried that if I quit all my running around and allow myself to be seen just for who I am, that I'll be exposed...that it will be clear to God, to me, and to everyone else that there IS something wrong with me...that I'm NOT worthy..that I truly AM a loser (and not just according to Jessica's definition).


MY RIDICULOUS COVER-UP
So why is it that I'm so scared of being revealed as a loser? And why is it that Jesus would be so callous as to constantly expose me? Well, after a lot of reflection, I think it's this:

I am a loser.

It's just not for the reasons I think. Normally I attribute my loser-ness to the fact that I don't fit in with my peers or live up to society's standards. But I think that's all a smokescreen. I think the REAL reason I'm so ashamed of myself goes back to Genesis 3. I'm so ashamed of myself because, like Eve, I've taken center stage in a story that was never supposed to have me in the starring role.

I was supposed to be a supporting character in a story about God. My storyline was supposed to contribute to his greater storyline. The attention was supposed to be focused on him, and the story was supposed to be evaluated by how well his objectives were being fulfilled. But instead, I decided I wanted the role of hero. I wanted to be the main character, and I made God the supporting character. I've made the story all about me...how he contributes to my storyline, how much attention is given to me, how well my objectives are being fulfilled.

I thought the story would be better that way, but in fact, when I got out there on the stage and faced the audience...well, it became clear to me that I'm not equipped to handle that role. And just like Eve, I realized my "nakedness." I was exposed as a fraud in the role I'm playing, and that's why I feel the need to hide and cover myself with "fig leaves." I know I'm a loser - not a hero - so I try to cover it up by having lots of friends and activities, and by being really good at everything I do...like if I gather enough achievements and accolades, maybe I'll prove I can handle this role after all. If I do enough winner-like things, maybe it will show I'm not a loser.

But the fact of the matter is that there aren't enough fig leaves in the world to cover up the fact that I'M NOT GOD. And when I try, it only leads to anxiety, depression, judgmentalism, and irrational panic that I'm going to be exposed.

And I think THAT'S why Jesus tells me to admit I'm a loser and accept it. He wants me to stop trying to play a role I wasn't designed for; stop trying to handle responsibilities I'm not equipped for; stop covering up with fig leaves that will never make me a hero. He tells me to drop my fig leaves and admit I'm a loser - NOT because he's an egotistical maniac who's trying to hold me back - but because he knows I can only flourish when I accept the role I was made for; when I let HIM define my identity instead of trying to do it myself. He tells me to drop my fig leaves because he wants to cover me instead. 

And the way he covers up my loser-ness and shame is by taking it on himself. Phil 2:7 says Jesus made himself a loser. That's crazy...the main character who DOES deserve the starring role willingly becomes a loser so that in God's eyes, I can be seen as a winner. And when I really believe God sees me as a winner, it really doesn't matter anymore what Jessica thinks.

But to accept Jesus' covering means I have to quit all my cover-ups. I have to relinquish the starring role.  I have to admit I'm a loser...and stop fighting it.


MY RIDICULOUS VICTORY
So that's what I did this week. I may be ridiculous and immature, but I can also tell you this...last week through chattering teeth and sweaty palms, in one of my greatest spiritual victories, I chose to drop my fig leaves and accept being a loser. I quit my Monday volleyball team and accepted Jesus' covering instead. But in the future, please don't ask me what I did last Monday night.


Blessed is the one
    whose transgressions are forgiven,
    whose sins are covered.  -- Psalm 32:1

All I need to be complete
  is your love, is your blood
  to cover me.  -- JJ Heller

Love sucks.

As someone who's spent 99.3% of my life single, Valentine's Day isn't my favorite holiday. I typically wear black for the occasion, roll my eyes at the saccharine sweetness, and declare that love sucks.

But this year as I searched for a representative dark outfit, I realized something: I used to say "Love sucks" because I wasn't experiencing it. But this year I think it sucks because I HAVE...and because I've discovered that love is very different from what I always thought it was.


WHAT IS LOVE?
I thought I was in love once. My brother asked me how I knew, and I said, "Because I'm happiest when I'm with him." As I said it, I remember thinking, "That kind of love seems pretty selfish and unstable. What will happen when he doesn't make me happy anymore...or when I don't make him happy?" And of course, that's what happened. I always knew he was using me...but I finally realized I was doing the same thing...using him to feel good about myself...and that relationship is a thing of the past.

But the question has haunted me ever since...What is love? How do you know you love someone? Is love a feeling of happiness? If not, what is it? Basically, I echoed the words of Foreigner to God:

I want to know what love is,

I want you to show me,

I want to feel what love is...

A LESSON IN LOVE
It suddenly occurred to me in the shower this morning that God answered that prayer, and  even though I'm still wearing black on Feb. 14, I think I AM experiencing love. It's just that love is different from what I thought it was. Here's my story.

Last year I started dating one of my guy friends. Let's call him Steve. Though I really liked him and we had a lot in common, I knew the relationship wouldn't work because we believed very different stories about life. So reluctantly I told him no. But this guy wouldn't take no for an answer. He kept pursuing me...telling me how much he liked me...telling me he saw a future for us...putting himself out there...asking me to take a risk. He was endearing and hard to refuse.

But I was a hard sell. Thinking I'd scare him off, I told him we needed to read the Bible together, pray together, talk about God together...and that we should hold off on other things until that was working. To my utter shock, he agreed to those terms. And after a lot of prayer, it seemed like God was giving me the green light. I believed God was saying, "This is an opportunity for Steve to know me...and this is an opportunity for you to experience what love really is."

Well, of course I wanted to experience love!!! So we started dating. I was excited and hopeful, but I was also very skeptical about the whole situation, and I tried VERY hard to protect myself from the hurt that I thought was inevitable. That's when God started asking me questions.

Are you willing to give up other options out of respect for him?
When Steve first asked me out, I was working on another "possibility" in our circle of friends. Since I didn't really think Steve and I would last, I didn't want to give up on this possibility! But I HATE when men do that to me - leave their options open - so I didn't want to do that same thing to Steve. That's when I felt like God asked me, "Are you willing to give up your other options - not because you've got a sure thing, but just out of respect for Steve?" That seemed like a selfless and beautiful thing to do, so I said yes. [If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. 1 Cor 13:7 TLB; Love does not dishonor others. 1 Cor 13:5 NIV]

Are you willing to risk being hurt just for the possibility that he might benefit?
But that's when I realized this was going to be complicated. Steve and I frequent the same places. So if we broke up, it would be awkward to continue to see him all the time. Add to that my EXTREME fear of rejection and my skepticism that this was going to work...and basically it seemed inevitable that I was going to get hurt. So I broke up with Steve before we got in too deep. But that's when I felt like God said, "Remember I said this relationship was an opportunity for Steve to meet me. Are you willing to risk being hurt just for the possibility that he might benefit?" I decided that I was, so we got back together. [Love cares more for others than for self. 1 Cor 13:5 Message]

Are you willing to give up your pride for him?
But things got more complicated. I realized that I take a lot of pride in being seen as a "good Christian." And in my mind, good Christians don't date people of other spiritual persuasions. So again I tried to end things. But then God said, "What's worth more to you - your pride or him? Are you willing to give up your pride for him?" And I realized I was willing. I valued him more than I valued my own self-protection, pride and identity. I wanted him more than I wanted a good image. So I said yes. [Love is not proud. 1 Cor 13:4 NIV]

Are you willing to wait for him?
At that point, it was getting exhausting trying to be in the relationship and yet protect myself at the same time. Plus, it wasn't fair to Steve. I needed to decide if I was in or out...no more holding back and pussyfooting around. And I decided I wanted to be all in. So I started the hard work of prying down the walls around my heart. This is not to say that the sacrifices were one-sided. It warmed my heart to see how Steve was stepping outside his comfort zone as well, doing things he wouldn't normally choose...just because he knew I'd like it. For a fleeting moment, I was SO HAPPY. And I wondered if this was love.

And then Steve broke up with me. Out of the blue. Blindsided me. I was devastated. Heartbroken. I was so mad at myself for letting down my guard when I KNEW this was going to happen. I wanted to cast him out of my heart and quit loving him in order to stop the pain. But I didn't really think our story was over yet. That's when God said, "Are you willing to wait for him? Are you willing to leave your heart open and unprotected, not knowing how long it might take?" I decided I was. It was really, really hard, but I waited. [Love is patient. 1 Cor 13:4 NIV]

Are you willing to put his feelings above your need to be right?
Lo and behold, a month later he came back. We talked about why he broke up with me, and it turned out he'd been offended by something I'd said. At first I got really defensive. After all, it seemed like a minor offense to me. I hadn't even meant it the way he took it. And why didn't he TELL me I'd hurt his feelings, rather than just suddenly dropping me?! I started to justify myself and explain why HE was the one in the wrong...and then God said, "Different people are sensitive about different things. Think about times YOU'VE been particularly sensitive and instead of apologizing, people tried to justify themselves...when all you wanted to know was that they CARED that your feelings were hurt. Are you willing to put his feelings above your need to be right?" Man, that was hard. But I was willing. I humbled myself, took the blame, and apologized. [Love does not demand its own way. 1 Cor 13:5 TLB]

Are you willing to forgive?
Shortly thereafter, Steve broke my trust in a way that was the antithesis of the selfless way he'd treated me before. I was so hurt. I knew I had to end things, and in the process, I wanted to make him feel the hurt that I felt. I wanted to label him in my mind as a worthless jerk so I could replace my hurt with self-righteous anger and lock him out of my heart forever. That's when God said, "What Steve did was hurtful. But who are you to judge? He was motivated by fear & insecurity, just as many of your behaviors have been. And the only way to erase fear & insecurity is with unconditional love and forgiveness. Forgiveness means acknowledging the debt he owes you...but then choosing to pay it yourself instead of making him pay it. It means YOU pay down his debt every time you want to lash out but you don't...every time you want to hurt him back but you don't...every time you want to defame him but you don't. Are you willing to forgive?" Though that turned out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, I was willing...because I was more concerned about Steve's wholeness than my own revenge. So while I broke up with him, I did it gently. We prayed together and I promised to continue to treat him as a friend. When others criticized Steve in front of me, I defended him. When I wanted to ignore him, I forced myself to be friendly. I can't say that I did this perfectly. There was a lot of back & forth and struggle...but with each payment I made toward his debt, my anger faded away. [Love is not resentful. It does not hold grudges. 1 Cor 4:5 ESV & TLB]

Are you willing to ascribe worth to him...at cost to yourself if necessary?
Around that time, I heard someone define love as this: Ascribing worth to someone else, at cost to yourself if necessary. And in that moment I realized that if THIS is what love is - a decision rather than a feeling - well, then, I did love Steve. After all, isn't that essentially the question God had been asking me all along: "Are you willing to ascribe worth to him...at cost to yourself if necessary?" I had spent the last year saying yes! And I also realized that this is why love sucks sometimes...because it's not always happy feelings; it's pain and sacrifice. It also sucked to know that despite the fact that I loved Steve, I didn't have him. He didn't love me back.

Are you willing to give up self-protection in order to protect him?
Several months later, however, Steve came back, apologized, and wanted to get back together again. Having recently realized I loved him, you'd think I would have been thrilled! But the fact of the matter is that I was scared to death...because loving someone makes you vulnerable. Rejection hurts much worse when it comes from someone you love than from someone you don't care about. So I slipped back into my self-protective ways. I rebuilt the walls around my heart...and I thought I was being smart. Other people told me that was the wise thing to do! Protect yourself! Never let someone else hurt you! But that's when God said, "The world tells you to protect yourself. But I say you should protect others and let me protect you. And Steve is in the midst of a spiritual battle right now. He needs protection! Are you willing to give up your own self-protection in order to protect him?" I went back and forth for a LONG TIME on this one because it seemed like such a stupid thing to do. But eventually I decided I was willing. [Love is not self-seeking. It always protects. 1 Cor 13:5&7 NIV]

Are you willing to see him for his potential rather than his shortcomings?
But it was too late. Steve had given up on me and gone back with his previous girlfriend. I understood why he couldn't put up with my wishy-washiness...yet the way it all played out was really hurtful. What's worse was the fact that I had to see them together on a weekly basis. That's one of the hardest things I've had to bear. I decided it would be easier if I could one-dimensionalize Steve in my mind - see him as an asshole not worth my time and energy - so I could write him off and be done with the whole mess. So that's what I did. Each time I saw him, instead of feeling the sadness, I trained myself to roll my eyes and whisper, "Jerk." But that's when God said, "What caused your wishy-washiness? Fear. And what caused Steve's actions? Fear. Underneath you two are exactly the same - trembling little children in need of love. And when you receive my love, both of you have the potential for greatness as well! That's what I see when I look at him - the potential of who I made him to be! I'm not denying the shortcomings of Steve's actions, but are you willing to focus on his potential rather than his shortcomings?" Suddenly I had a vision of the pure and vulnerable Steve underneath all the crap the world has piled on him, and it occurred to me that maybe THAT Steve is the true Steve...the one God created him to be and the one God sees. I wanted to see him that way, too. [You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him. 1 Cor 13:7 TLB]

Are you willing to risk rejection for his sake?
Then Steve came back again. Given our history, I was afraid of being rejected again, so I didn't want to get in too deep. But I felt like God was telling me to love Steve openly and wholeheartedly without holding back; that I should both tell him and show him I loved him...without waiting for Steve to do it first. Honestly, this freaked me out because the thing I hate most in life is rejection...and you're making yourself quite vulnerable to it whenever you let someone know you're more invested than they are. I thought I must have heard God wrong. Surely he wouldn't send his daughter unprotected into enemy fire! But then he asked me this: "Is this about you or is this about Steve? Yes, it's risky. But Steve needs someone to show him he's worth the risk. Will you be that for him? Are you willing to risk rejection for his sake?" Geez Louise. All I can think is that God somehow injected his own strength into me in that moment, because I said yes. [Love endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7 ESV]

Are you willing to keep loving him, even if he'll never love you back?
But Steve changed his mind. When he realized how invested I was - and that he wasn't equally invested - he didn't think he was being fair to me. So he ended things. He said it was for my sake, but it didn't feel good to me. It was crushing. I wanted to stop thinking about him forever. I cried out to God, "Please get Steve out of my heart! I can't stand the pain of thinking about him all the time! Get me over him! I don't want to love him anymore!" And this was the answer I got back: "That's understandable. You can forget about him if you want to and that choice would be fine. But remember Steve needs someone to pray for him. Are you willing to leave your heart open enough to love him in that way...even if he'll never love you back?" I didn't want to say yes. I wanted to take God up on Option 1. But then I realized...if I'm not praying for Steve, then who is??? I can't leave him unprotected spiritually! So I chose Option 2. [Love keeps going to the end. Love always perseveres. 1 Cor 13:7 MSG & NIV]

Are you willing to let him go if that's what's best for him?
Though we decided never to get back together, I left my heart open. And that makes things hard, because I still wanted him! So in my typical manipulative fashion, I came up with a plan to change Steve's mind. I wasn't proud of my plan and I didn't share it with anyone else, but I was determined to carry it out. That is, until God said this: "I thought you loved him. To love someone means to do what's best for him, regardless of how that affects you. Here's Steve trying to act with integrity toward you...and you're going to sabotage him?! That's not love. Are you willing to let him go if that's what's best for him?" Man, that was HARD. But I had to say yes. And I loved him by letting him go. [Love doesn't force itself on others. 1 Cor 13:5 MSG]


IT'S A COLD AND IT'S A BROKEN HALLELUJAH
And that brings me up to my experience in the shower this morning. I was upset that Valentine's Day was here again...and once again I'm not experiencing love. But what occurred to me is that I AM experiencing love. It's just that love isn't what I thought it was.

Love isn't a warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness. (I mean, sometimes that comes along with it, but that's not its essence.) Love actually kind of sucks... because essentially, love is an action. It's a decision that requires sacrifice; that requires putting someone else ahead of myself; that requires seeking someone else's happiness rather than my own. (I'm certainly not saying that I've done that perfectly. Far from it!!! But I would say I've definitely done a lot of repenting and growing.)

As Brene Brown says, "People want love to be unicorns and rainbows...but love is hard and controversial. It's trouble. It's rebellious. It's sacrifice." She mentions the song lyric that says, "Love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

I think that's true. If I'm really LOVING (not just using someone else to make me happy), then while there might be a victory march every once in a while, there's also a lot of coldness and brokenness involved. It kind of sucks. That's what makes me say to God, "I can NEVER put myself through this again. It's not fair!!! How can you expect me to give love when I'm not receiving it???"


RECEIVING LOVE
And here's the answer I got back in the shower: "You're right...you can't give love if you're not receiving it. But how can you possibly say you're not being loved like that?! Consider...

Are you willing to give up other options out of respect for her?
I gave up heaven and my Father's blessing for you!
Are you willing to risk being hurt just for the possibility that she might benefit?
I didn't just risk being hurt; I willing submitted to the 100% certainty of death for your benefit!
Are you willing to give up your pride for her?
I gave up my throne, became a human, endured scorn and betrayal, and let myself get killed for you!
Are you willing to wait for her?
I've been waiting patiently for you since the beginning of time.
Are you willing to put her feelings above your need to be right?
I've endured your continual false accusations without fighting back because I value you more than I value being right.
Are you willing to forgive?
It cost me EVERYTHING to pay the debt you owed me. But I did it because I knew it was the only way to be with you.
Are you willing to ascribe worth to her...at cost to yourself if necessary?
I've ascribed so much worth to you that I've given you my own place at my Father's table.
Are you willing to see her for her potential rather than her shortcomings?
I'm so committed to seeing you as someone who's perfect that I took on your shortcomings so you could take on my perfection!
Are you willing to risk rejection for her sake?
I chose to be rejected by my Father so that you'd never have to be.
Are you willing to keep loving her, even if she'll never love you back?
Even though you continually distrust me and turn away from me, I always work for your good.

As I pondered this, suddenly I was humbled...because as much as love sucks for me, it sucks for God much more! He's given up EVERYTHING to love me...and it's got to be heartbreaking for him when I don't just reject him; I'm completely oblivious to his love at all!!!

And then I remembered this: I haven't always been oblivious to his love. There was a time when I could feel his consuming passion for me so strongly that I couldn't wait to overflow it to someone else so they could experience it too. I even asked God to send me people to whom I could reflect his love! Somehow I just got distracted from that motivation for a little while.  But it occurred to me in the shower that God answered that prayer and gave me an opportunity to love someone the way he's loved me.

And suddenly that makes me very happy...1) because God heard me and answered me, and 2) because I realized that I'm looking a lot like my Dad right now (and he's really attractive). So maybe along with suckiness, love actually DOES bring happiness. It's just a different kind of happiness. It's a deeper kind of happiness...the happiness of knowing I'm living in sync with my Creator. And it's a happiness that's a byproduct; not the goal.

I don't know...I'm still working all of this out. I just know this: If love sucks for me, then I guess I'm in good company. :) Happy Valentine's Day!



We love because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:19