Even Frodo stops to pee

**WARNING...I'm going to say stuff that will make you worry about my mental condition. But I'm not suicidal; just trying to process a bunch of crap...and sometimes it helps to put ALL the thoughts out there (good and bad) and then weed through them.**

Okay, everything I said in my last entry about wanting to take risks and go on an adventure...about how "just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die"...I take it all back.

You see, I had the anticipated conversation and it went way WORSE than I ever could have imagined. Seriously, I'm left wondering what I was possibly thinking!!! This segment of my adventure has ended in complete and utter failure...just like everything else I've done this year.

And you know what? Rejection SUCKS. Failure SUCKS. Discovering that everyone was right when they rolled their eyes behind my back...that SUCKS. Knowing that instead of empathy, I should hear: "That's what you get"...that SUCKS.


QUESTIONING MYSELF

What's even worse is the resulting questions:

• Do I even know how to hear God? I mean, I was so sure I was following him! But now I wonder if I know his voice at all. 
• Am I competent to make decisions and run my life? I mean, this was a pretty big lapse of wisdom. Do I, like Rachel Green, need Monica to make all my decisions for me? Can I possibly trust myself to do the right thing in the future?

• Am I just as bad as all the people that I look at and call delusional? I so often look condescendingly at other people's decisions, knowing that I'm just a little bit smarter and more capable of running their lives. But what if I'm actually on their level and they're justified in doing that very thing to me?
• Am I going to be taken out of the game? Growing up, when I made a fielding error playing softball, Coach Grigsby would remove me from my position to prevent further mistakes and to allow someone better to step in and help the team win the game. Is that what's going to happen to me? Has God finally realized that I'm not good enough to handle my position?

MY GREATEST FEAR

I guess that's my biggest fear right now. I'm pretty convinced that I've been benched - taken out of the game. I couldn't follow the coach's instructions, so I'm a liability and a disappointment to the team, and now the most I can look forward to is sitting in the dugout watching everyone else have fun. I'm not kidding...I'm completely depressed because when I look ahead on my calendar, the greatest excitement I have scheduled is to sit by myself in my condo, watching TV until I die...and I feel powerless to change that.

This has actually always been one of my greatest fears - to live a purposeless existence devoid of connection or excitement. I watched my grandparents spend the end of their lives that way (the highlight of my grandma's week was watching The Sound of Music every single Sunday...woohoo!), and it was horribly depressing to think I might follow in their footsteps.

This fear is accentuated by the fact that I spent many years actually living out the kind of life I dread. You see, I've never been able to make friends at will (believe me, I've tried). I've always had to wait for them to choose me. And I've never been able to make anything else happen in my life either (again, I've tried). I've always just had to wait for excitement to come to me. So when people or plans leave my life, I PANIC because I'm powerless to replace them, and I feel destined to return to the adventure-less, isolated, couch-potato existence I lived for nearly 30 years.

So sure...maybe it's true that just because it burns doesn't mean I'm gonna die...but I think dying would be a BETTER option than wallowing endlessly in a solitary, meaningless existence, with no hope of ever getting out. If "Sound of Music Sundays" are all God has in store for my future...well, I'd almost rather die.


WHAT TO DO?

So...where can I find hope when it seems like the screen in front of me reads: GAME OVER?

(In the past, I've always responded to this fear by finding something - anything! - to break up the monotony...joining another volleyball team, adding another salsa night, etc. But I've learned through experience that those false adventures never satisfy me - and in fact, leave me even more empty - so I don't want to do that this time. Plus, what I really want is to find a way to be satisfied NO MATTER WHAT circumstances I'm in...WITH OR WITHOUT a planned adventure on the horizon. I mean, my gosh...if I can't handle the monotony of life as an able-bodied young woman, how will I POSSIBLY survive old age, injury, or illness? What I need isn't a change of circumstances; what I need is hope...regardless of the circumstances.)

So where does hope come from in the midst of benchwarming? I'm not sure. But 4 thoughts keep coming back to me, and I think they're from the Coach. Here they are:

Regarding hearing God...

• How do you think Moses felt? Maybe I don't need to panic about my inability to recognize God's voice. It's possible that I WAS hearing God correctly after all...even though things didn't turn out the way I expected. I keep thinking about how Moses must have felt each of the TEN times he obeyed God by approaching Pharaoh...only to be shot down every single time. And then how he must have felt when he finally got his people out of slavery...only to have them complain about it and threaten to kill him! He must have been so confused and disappointed. I imagine Moses had to start wondering if he'd been hearing God correctly. He probably thought he'd dropped the ball; that he was incompetent; he probably worried that everyone was thinking he was delusional. After all, why would God tell him to do something, knowing all along that it was going to turn out like THIS? Each time Pharaoh said no, Moses probably worried that he'd heard God incorrectly and his adventure was over. But it WASN'T over. And Moses WASN'T delusional. And Moses WAS able to hear the Lord. It's just that the story wasn't over yet. Things are always confusing when you're still living in the middle of the story. So maybe...just maybe...that could be the case for me, too. Maybe I didn't botch the play. Maybe I did hear God and obey...but I'm just confused right now because I expected different results from what God intended. And maybe I'm still living in the middle of the story and I DID hear God speak and he WILL speak to me again.

• Samuel didn't get benched. (Stolen from Steven Manuel's awesome message...Adventures in Hearing God's Voice) Okay, but maybe I'm not Moses. Maybe I DIDN'T hear God correctly and I DID botch this whole assignment. Well, that doesn't necessarily mean God's going to take me out of the game. After all, there are plenty of people in the Bible who botched stuff, but God didn't bench them or quit talking to them. Take Samuel. Samuel heard God calling him in the middle of the night, but he thought it was Eli, so he responded completely incorrectly...more than once. Yet God didn't stop talking to him. Why? Because instead of focusing on Samuel's mistakes, the thing God zeroed in on was the fact that Samuel had a "Yes" in his heart. He saw someone who WANTED to obey him - even if he didn't do it perfectly - so he came back to Samuel and spoke to him again and again. God must have seen Samuel's willingness and said, "You want to hear my voice! And you're doing what you THOUGHT I wanted you to do. I love that! Next time I'll make it more clear for you." According to Steven Manuel, "With God, there's grace for us to get it wrong." What a relief to think God's more concerned about the attitude of my heart than the perfection of my actions! Maybe God's not an unforgiving coach like Coach Grigsby was.

Regarding an adventure-less life...

• God paid to rescue me from Sound of Music Sundays. The last time I thought I was destined to my grandma's Sound of Music future, a friend randomly sent me this verse: For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors.  And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver.  It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. (1 Pet 1:18-19) When she sent it to me, I was floored by its relevance to the fears I was experiencing! Basically, this verse tells me that I don't need to fear a meaningless life. After all, if Jesus went to that much trouble to SAVE me from the empty life of my grandparents, it seems unlikely that he would suddenly change his mind and decide he wants an empty existence for me after all. I mean, it's not like Jesus paid just a nominal sum to rescue me from that life...no, he paid with his very blood! That must mean he was REALLY committed to saving me from a couch-potato future. In fact, he was so concerned about saving me from an empty life that he was willing to subject HIMSELF to a horrible destiny just so I could have the wonderful destiny that he deserved. So why am I so worried about entrusting my future to him? He's not going to pay top price for something, only to throw it in the trash.

• Even Frodo stops to pee. I've been thinking about epic adventures like Lord of the Rings and such. As looooooong as that trilogy is, it still doesn't show every single thing that happens on their quest. I mean, there had to be times when they stopped to pee, sleep, etc. Those things aren't shown in the movie, though, because they're not exciting. But those lulls in the action had to happen. Every quest has to have lulls in the action. But it would be kind of silly if, every time Frodo stopped to pee, he panicked that his adventure was over. It occurs to me...maybe I expect my adventure to be non-stop excitement, just because that's what it looks like in the movies and those are the parts people describe when they recount their adventure stories. But I'd imagine EVERY adventure story has pee breaks, even if you don't hear about them. So maybe that's where I am right now. Maybe my adventure isn't over for good; maybe I'm just living in the middle of a lull in the action...and instead of panicking, I should be THANKFUL that I have a moment to rest and relieve myself. 

NOW WHAT?

I know these 4 things are true. But as far as actually believing them and having them change my attitude and actions...well, I'm not completely there.

Regarding "hearing God," I'm close. I'd say I believe at about an 8.5 out of 10.

But regarding an "adventure-less life," those truths are really just words to me right now. No matter what I tell myself, I'm still pretty fearful that the life ahead of me is solitary and meaningless. And I have to FORCE myself not to react according to those fears. But I've been preaching these truths to myself relentlessly and asking the Spirit to work them in...and even though I'm not there yet, I know that most deep heart-changes don't happen in an instant. (And honestly, since I've been struggling with this fear for most of my life, I don't expect a sudden turn-around today.)

But I also know that when the Lord sees the "yes" in my heart regarding my desire to listen to HIM rather than fear...no matter how weak that "yes" is right now...well, I think that's all the invitation he needs.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in... 

Revelation 3:20

So I'm stopping to pee. (Cue strange bathroom picture from college.) Let me know if you want my Sound of Music DVD...I don't think I'll be needing it.

It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride; 

Everything (everything) will be just fine; 

Everything (everything) will be all right (all right). 

--Jimmy Eat World 

I've never been so proud to toss my cookies

I'm sitting here about to toss my cookies. I'm nervous because later tonight I'm supposed to have a conversation, and I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. It's a pretty unusual feeling for me...I don't really get nervous that often. But I'm pretty sure God is cheering on my nausea right now.

"Excuse me?" you say...well, let me back up.


TENNIS VS. SWEAT

Growing up, my dad taught me to play tennis. But I was not very good. At the time, I thought I was a horrible athlete. But looking back, I think it's more about the fact that I hated to sweat and avoided it at all costs. I'd exert as little energy as possible...meaning if the ball didn't come to me, I didn't go to the ball. As you can imagine, winning at tennis requires you to allow the possibility of sweating. So if I wanted to win, I needed to sweat. Or I wanted to stay dry, that meant I needed to give up on winning. I could do one or the other, but not both. One goal had to be forfeited...and I chose to forfeit winning.

(Clearly, somewhere along the line I decided sweating is not the end of the world and lifted the perspiration ban, as my two favorite activities are now salsa dancing and sand volleyball...after both of which it's in your best interest to stay out of the smelling vicinity!)

But I've realized recently that there are a lot of other worthwhile goals I forfeit because I'm trying to avoid some displeasurable side effect. 

• I hold back in friendships and relationships because I hate the thought of rejection.
• I avoid unknown or uncertain situations because I hate the thought of failure.
• I am reluctant to obey God because I hate the thought of people thinking I'm stupid or crazy.

It's not that I don't WANT to live and love freely...it's just that, similar to tennis and sweating, one of the goals has to be forfeited, and when it comes down to it, I choose to forfeit the possibility of a great life in favor of a pain-free one.

MAKING A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL...

I can tell you exactly when I made this forfeit, too. I remember standing in my living room 7 years ago as my life was falling apart and turning to my very best friend for support. But instead of giving me the support I expected, she told me my life was a failure...that she didn't think I knew God...that I was no longer worthy of respect...that I wasn't even worthy of other people's friendship. Her words were so painful that I could literally feel them physically. It felt like I'd been hit in the gut...by a semi-truck traveling 100mph. I mean, this was a friend to whom I would have entrusted my very life. We had been inseparable for 10 years. She knew EVERYTHING about me...and knowing that, she labeled me a failure who was unworthy of her time or interest. The pain I felt at those words was greater than any I'd felt before or since.

And I remember standing there that day after she left, vowing, "This is more than I can take. I will NEVER allow myself to feel this way again."

And I meant it. From that time on, I never allowed myself to get too invested in another person. I analyzed all situations and chose not to engage if there was any unknown variable. I refused to take any opportunity if there was the slightest risk of failure. I steered clear of doing anything that might make me look like a bad Christian.

And in so doing, I effectively prevented myself from feeling that unendurable pain ever again. 

(Of course, I also prevented myself from feeling any great love, excitement, freedom or joy since I avoided all situations that might bring those emotions...but I didn't even care, as long as I didn't have to go through that kind of indescribable pain again.)

A CALL TO SWEAT

Recently, though, I've felt that God is calling me to "sweat." It seems like he's telling me that he created me with the potential to be a player of greatness, but I'm forfeiting that potential in order to "stay dry." He's gently challenging me to give up my inferior goals...because you can't win at tennis if you refuse to sweat. These are the some of the things I think he's been saying to me:

• You can't love & be loved if you refuse to risk the hurt of rejection.
• You can't do great things if you refuse to risk failure.
• You can't have an adventure if you refuse to live in the fear of uncertainty.
• You can't follow me if you refuse to be labeled delusional.

And man, oh, man...those statements scare me to DEATH. After all, I really don't know if I could survive another experience like I had in my living room that day 7 years ago.

But there's also something about those statements that breathes life into me...life that got sucked out 7 years ago when I decided to play it safe.

So I've been trying it. Since last November when I asked God for an adventure, I've been allowing myself to "sweat." I've been opening myself to the possibility of rejection. I've been taking risks. I've been venturing into unknown territory. I've been doing things even when people roll their eyes behind my back. And it's been terrifying. (Though at the same time, exhilarating).

Tonight's conversation is an example of one of those times. In a couple of hours, my grand adventure might end in complete and utter failure. I might get rejected. Even if I'm not rejected, I might discover that I was totally off base in thinking this is what God wants me to do. Or even if I am following God, I might be entering rocky, dangerous territory. Or people might think I'm off my rocker. (In fact, it seems likely that any or ALL of these bad outcomes might come to fruition.)

SUCCESS = SWEAT

But the more I think about it, the more I conclude that when God called me on this adventure, the point of it was not necessarily for me to succeed in my endeavors...the point was just to show me that "sweating" isn't so bad after all. The point was to show me that rejection, failure, uncertainty, and delusionality are not the end of the world. The point was to show me that it's better to be out there sweating with him than to stay dry in my little prison cell.

It's like P!nk says: 

"Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die;

You've gotta get up and try, try, try."

(I figure when God and P!nk agree, we MUST be on to something.)

So I'm trying. (And tossing my cookies.) 

But no matter how it turns out, I'm hanging onto the fact that for me, success is just in the trying; not in the results. Success is in going for the ball without getting stuck in the paralysis of calculating the cost. Success is just in trusting God enough to risk...even if I get punched in the gut so hard that I can't even eat my giant medicinal pancakes. Even if everything falls to pieces tonight, I can still label this adventure a success, just because I sprinted for the ball when God told me to.

After all, Romans 8:15-16 says this:

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children."

Deep in my soul, beyond the layers of scar tissue, I know that's what I truly want...to live that resurrection life; to set out on an epic adventure with my Papa...knowing that no matter how it turns out, I'm still his child, and therefore, nothing can really touch me.

And choosing that goal means allowing myself to sweat, get nervous, and toss my cookies. But as much of a mess as I am right now, I really don't know if my Father could ever be prouder than he is at this moment...as I go all out chasing the ball, no matter how sweaty I get...even if I swing and miss!

So here goes nothing...

Hide your underwear...here I come.

My parents' dog Colby puts himself in time-out when he does something wrong. So if you find him cowering in his cage, you know to look around for the chewed-up underwear or the poop. I always think it's funny that he doesn't wait to BE punished; he takes the initiative to put himself "in the doghouse"!

I'M COLBY

But I realized recently that I'm a lot like Colby (though not as cute). When I do something I think God won't like, I assume I'm "in the doghouse," and I cower in the corner until I think I've been thoroughly punished.

So when I have a bad attitude, or drop the ball, or don't live up to expectations, or want something I shouldn't, or feel reluctant to do the right thing...I figure God's annoyed and/or disappointed in me, rolling his eyes, and giving me the silent treatment until I get my act together. I assume I'm in the doghouse.

When I'm in the doghouse, I react like a kid in time-out...

• I get really quiet and "think about what I've done." After all, I figure he doesn't want to talk to me until I start acting the way he wants. (That's the point of the doghouse, right? - to get someone to change their behavior.) So I beat myself up over my offenses. That way he doesn't have to do it for me!
• I avoid most communication with God altogether. I don't want to tell God I love him...because I'm afraid he'll come back with, "Thanks...and I tolerate you." I don't even want to apologize for what I've done, because that would draw attention to my offense...and possibly make him more upset...or even remind him that this should probably be the last straw for me.  
• When I'm in the doghouse, I don't want to cause further displeasure, so I keep a low profile and try not to ask for anything. During those times, I HATE when anyone wants me to pray or talk about God, because that just draws attention to me and what a brat I've been. Since I'm being punished, I feel guilty if I'm happy and I try to stifle it as much as possible.

Basically, I hide sheepishly in the corner - being an un-squeaky wheel - until I think he's over it and I'm back on his good side.

Sometimes I'm not sure if God's disappointed or not...so to be on the safe side, I put myself in the cage anyway. (After all, when someone's in my doghouse but they're oblivious to it, that makes me even MORE mad!!! I ramp up the silent treatment until they notice!) And I certainly don't want to increase God's annoyance, so I figure it can't hurt to stay in the doghouse until I know the coast is clear.

I HATE being in the doghouse. But sometimes I just don't have the willpower or wisdom to do the right thing. Like Colby, I just can't resist the lure of a succulent pair of underwear (or some other tempting equivalent) and that's when I find myself ashamed and frustrated that I'm on God's bad side once again.

WHAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK

Earlier this week I found myself in this position. I knew the wise course of action...and yet I didn't take it. All along I tried to convince myself to do the right thing...but in the end, I just didn't do it. It's not that I did something horribly wrong...I just didn't do much at all. So I figured I let God down - especially since I've made this same mistake multiple times. I imagined he was pretty disappointed in me this time (Will she ever learn?!?!), and that he was gearing up for the silent treatment...so of course I put myself in my cage...by which I mean, I stayed out of sight until I could get my act together - stopped praying, started beating myself up, avoided all mention of God.

Now, being in the doghouse was extremely frustrating, because at that time I really needed to talk to someone about my situation (and usually I go to God) but since I was in the middle of receiving the silent treatment, that was a no go. I really felt that if God could hear all the factors that went into my decision making, maybe he'd understand why I did what I did, and maybe he'd have compassion instead of being annoyed, and maybe he'd be able to help me do the right thing...but how can you explain all of that to someone who doesn't want to hear from you? So I hunkered down to take my punishment, when all of a sudden I had the strangest thought one day at work.

"Who put you in the doghouse?"

It was a weird thought, but I've started to recognize that a lot of my weird thoughts come from God. So I followed the trail.

I answered, "Well, I'm in the doghouse because I didn't make the wise decision. I let you down and I'm being punished, and I know you don't want to hear from me until I get my act together."

But the thought came again: "Not WHY...WHO put you in the doghouse?"

I tried to answer the same as before, but the thought just kept coming again and again..."WHO put you in the doghouse?"...until finally it occurred to me...I actually don't think God put me there. I think just like Colby, I PUT MYSELF IN THE DOGHOUSE. I assumed that's where he wanted me, so I went there myself. Suddenly I was pretty sure that God hadn't turned away from me; on the contrary, I was hiding from him!

SACRILEGIOUS THOUGHTS 

This thought was enough to make me cry...that maybe I don't need to fear the silent treatment every time I let God down...that maybe he doesn't put people in the doghouse...that maybe I can still approach him with confidence (rather than sheepishness) even when I've made mistakes...that maybe even when I'm stupid, he still looks at me with excitement and desire and wants to bless me. What a relief that would be - to have a safe space to take risks and fail sometimes, knowing that I'm still bringing my Father pride; not chagrin or embarrassment!

But something about it seems really sacrilegious. I mean, I BELONG in the doghouse. I HAVE been annoying. I HAVE been a brat. I HAVE been unwise. If I acted this way toward anyone else, I know they'd write me off! So to think I'm allowed to avoid punishment and just act like everything's hunky-dory seems like I'm justifying my bad behavior and letting myself off the hook. It seems like it's irresponsible and prideful NOT to put myself in the doghouse when I've been bad.

This caused me a great deal of internal conflict. On the one hand, I REALLY, REALLY want to believe it. (And the freedom and joy brought by believing it feel the way God's voice usually feels.) But on the other hand, it seems like a cop out. After all, I've spent my entire life trying to avoid people's disfavor. Shouldn't God's be even MORE important to avoid?


MY PONDERINGS

After a lot of thought, I honestly can't say I'm completely comfortable with the idea of letting God down and then still acting as if everything's okay between me and him.

But what I do know is this...the idea that God doesn't put us in the doghouse is POSSIBLE and PROBABLE. I know this because the Bible contains tons of examples of people who should have gotten God's silent treatment but didn't. Consider...

• Jacob - If anybody deserved the silent treatment, it's this guy. He was a manipulator and a con man...ALWAYS concerned with his own advancement, never giving God a thought. Yet instead of snubbing him until he shaped up, God followed Jacob around almost like a puppy tugging at his heels. "Hey, Jacob! Are you ready to talk to me? Hey, Jacob! I want to bless you!" What in the world?! I mean, it's really quite ridiculous. Jacob got pursued and blessed instead of receiving the doghouse treatment he deserved.

• Jonah - Talk about a brat with a bad attitude. First he ran away from God to avoid obeying him...then when he finally did do the right thing, he was so mad about the way it turned out that he threw a temper tantrum and pouted. But instead of expecting Jonah to stay away until he was ready to apologize, God approached Jonah to restore their relationship...while Jonah was still in the middle of his hissy fit! Jonah didn't get time-out; he got a heart-to-heart with his Father who wanted to be close to him, no matter how he was acting.

• Peter - Okay, seriously, this guy pretended he didn't even KNOW Jesus. I can guarantee if someone rejected me like that, they'd be on my blacklist. They'd better not even think of coming around me and acting like everything's okay between us. (And in fact, Peter didn't. He was so ashamed that he skulked off away from everyone else and went back to his old job.) But Jesus didn't leave him in his self-imposed time-out. On the contrary, Jesus went looking for Peter with this whole plan to show him they were still friends by re-enacting key events from their relationship. No doghouse for Peter.

• Adam & Eve - Adam & Eve made a mistake so bad that they broke God's heart and wrecked the entire world and course of human history. If that shouldn't garner God's disgrace, I don't know what would. But when you expect to see God cast them away, what you ACTUALLY find is that they're the ones hiding from God. And God won't have it! He doesn't want them to stay away from him! So he gently calls them out of hiding...asking questions to re-open the lines of communication and to try to woo them back. (Ironically he asks them a question similar to the one he asked me: "WHO told you that you were naked?") And then even after they sidestep God's questions and choose to stay in the doghouse, he lovingly makes them clothing to wear in the doghouse, and then tells them his long-range plan to restore their relationship. That's crazy.

MY CONCLUSIONS

So these examples, among others, have me somewhat convinced that if I'm in the doghouse, it's probably my own doing...not God's. He must still want to be with me, even when I'm a disappointing jerk. But how could this be? Why DOESN'T he get upset and want distance until I mend my ways?

I think it's because of one striking time when someone DID get the silent treatment from God.  

• Jesus - Now here's a guy who definitely did NOT deserve the silent treatment. He never let God down! He did everything perfectly! God even said Jesus was his son "in whom he was well pleased." Jesus deserved the blessing and pursuing that all the other guys got. But instead, on the cross, Jesus cried, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Clearly, Jesus DID get the silent treatment. He was calling out for his Father, but the Father was turning his face away from him...Jesus was experiencing a "doghouse" far worse than any I could ever imagine!

So WHY did Jesus get put in the doghouse? I think this is why...

Isaiah 53:6 describes Jesus when it says, "the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all." So all I can figure is this...God gathered up all the stupid/bratty/unwise/selfish things I was ever going to do (all my iniquity)...and instead of laying it on me, he laid it on Jesus. And then he gave Jesus the silent treatment that that iniquity deserved. And when Jesus took the punishment for those iniquities, that canceled them out. I don't have to pay for them anymore (by cowering sheepishly in the corner) because they've already been paid for.  

Since Jesus took my silent treatment, I can have the warm welcome he deserves.

Incredible. That still seems too-good-to-be-true, but as I was contemplating it, I ran across Hebrews 10:17-18:

"I'll forever wipe the slate clean of their sins.

Once sins are taken care of for good, there's no longer any need to offer sacrifices for them."

And as I pored over the chapter it occurred to me...to continue to place myself in time-out after my slate has been wiped clean is to offer useless sacrifices for sins that no longer exist. It's a waste of time, and frankly, it's an insult to Jesus who went to a lot of trouble to give me a clean slate. I imagined him thinking, "Why the heck did I go to the doghouse for her if she's going to continue to go there herself?! What a waste of my time!"

I don't know. Something about acting like I have a clean slate still seems sacrilegious to me. And it's going to be REALLY TOUGH not to "go to my cage" after a lifetime of cowering there. (After all, the cage seems safer than exposing myself to possible rejection out in the open!) But Hebrews 10:19 also says, "we can now - without hesitation - walk right up to God...because Jesus has cleared the way." And let me tell you, I NEED to walk right up to God and be with him...because the more I stay away, the grumpier, harder, jerkier, and stupider I become. (I know that's not a word...just go with it.)

So I'm coming out. Hide your underwear.

Why I'm a turd

I've been trying to figure out why I've been a turd lately.

It's like...there's the Real Jill who's open and lets you in; who's vulnerable, lets you get to know her and wants to know you; who laughs, talks, shows her emotions and tells you what she really wants and feels. And then there's the Turd Jill who won't reveal anything that really matters to her; who's defensive and tries to keep as much hidden from you as possible; who will let you see only one emotion - sarcasm.

For 29 years, Turd Jill was the one most people knew...and that's probably why no one really liked me. (Turd Jill isn't a very inviting person.) Then I had a mid-life crisis, discovered that Jesus was head-over-heels in love with me, and suddenly Real Jill took over. But lately I've seen a lot more of Turd Jill than I'm sure ANYONE wants to see, so I've been pondering what triggers her. I think I've figured it out.

I think the thing that sends Real Jill packing (and activates Turd Jill) is a feeling that I'm under the microscope...that I'm constantly being evaluated and never measuring up.

TURN OFF THE DAMN MICROSCOPE!!!

Often it seems like everything I do is subject to someone's judgment...and I'm always found lacking. So...I'm an inferior person because I haven't seen most movies that others have seen. I'm not as strong/mature of a person because my parents paid my college tuition. I'm not a loving Christian because I don't like meeting new people at parties. I'm selfish because I don't go crazy over gift-giving. I'm a stick-in-the-mud because I'm not in love with Disney. I'm not worthy of dating because I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone. I'm immature because I like white wine better than red. It seems people have an opinion about EVERYTHING.

Even when I'M not the one directly under the microscope, I hear endless negative evaluations of categories into which I fall or may someday fall (leaving me to assume I deserve the same judgment)...like girls who wear leggings as pants, people who post too many pictures on Facebook, people living on the West Side, bad athletes who play anyway and annoy their team, people who are too skinny, people who aren't funny, and people who drive cautiously in the rain. (If YOU had spun and hit a wall 3 times on a rainy day, you might become a little more cautious too. Just sayin'.)

Since the more I reveal about myself, the more likely we are to discover that I fall into one of these negative categories, it usually seems safest for Real Jill to fly under the radar as much as possible. Just keep quiet and maybe no one will notice all your inferior qualities!

Another thing that attracts Turd Jill is when my flaw is pointed out...but even after I've fixed it, I can never live it down. I'm just permanently labeled with the original judgment - a stain on my character that can never be erased. What's worse is when those evaluations were never true in the first place! Like the friend who thinks I'm always scrupulously counting how much money she owes me when we split a bill at a restaurant. Although I've told her time and again that I'm NOT, she insists that I'm some sort of ungenerous miser. I can never live that false judgment down.

Turd Jill ALWAYS comes out when I'm with people who air the dirty laundry of people who aren't there. I doubt that these absentees would want me to know/discuss their deepest struggles, mistakes, and worries...so it makes me wonder what laundry of my own is being aired when I'M not around...and definitely makes me want to hide everything I wouldn't want displayed for the world to see!

But the worst is when Christians talk about whether others are actually hearing/obeying God or just delusional. This one gets me REALLY defensive because I can only imagine that behind my back, I must be called the most delusional Christian of all. (And I know a lot of times I AM delusional...but it sure would be nice to have the grace to just BE delusional once in a while instead of feeling the pressure to perform for the judges' panel.)

Ahhhhhh!!! Real Jill just wants to run away to a deserted island where no one's around to evaluate me - someplace where I have the freedom to hold different opinions, make mistakes, and have weaknesses without them being pointed out and sneered at! When Real Jill escapes, that's when Turd Jill takes over.

THE REAL PROBLEM

But beyond all of that, here's the thing that really brings out Turd Jill: it's this realization that if people can find this much to say about stupid things like Disney, leggings, and wine...imagine how negatively I'd be evaluated if I revealed the things I'm REALLY ashamed of. (And there are some doozies, let me tell you.)

THAT'S the thing that makes me want to hide as much of the real me as possible and that makes me defensively shut down my deepest thoughts and feelings. Deep down, I'm afraid the Real Jill deserves all of these labels:

NOT WORTHY OF RESPECT
INCOMPETENT TO RUN HER LIFE
IMMATURE AND INFERIOR
DELUSIONAL
DOESN'T MEASURE UP

And ultimately, I guess at the core, what I'm really worried about is this: if flawed humans can find this much wrong with me just on the surface...well, then just what kind of verdict is a perfect, holy, all-seeing God going to pass on me? That's a scary thought, and that's why, when I'm feeling evaluated, Turd Jill steps in to protect Real Jill from the scrutiny.


ABRAHAM UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

So while obsessing about my turdiness, I found it extremely surprising when I came across Romans 4, which describes how great of a person Abraham was. Basically it evaluates him as faithful and righteous; it says he never weakened in his faith...that he never wavered in believing God's promises.

Well, that's a pretty stellar evaluation. But the thing that struck me is that IT'S SIMPLY NOT TRUE. I just finished studying Abraham's life in Genesis, and from what I read, Abraham was actually a lot like me...he had A LOT to be ashamed of. He messed up quite often. He was NOT faithful...he fell into fear and lied about the same things over and over again, even though he saw that his lies didn't work. He was NOT righteous...he disbelieved God and took control of his own life, producing an illegitimate son that led to familial discord and ultimately an ethnic conflict that continues to this day! He DID weaken in his faith...he repeatedly asked God to prove that he'd keep his promises. And when you look for good accomplishments to overshadow the failures, you find that Abraham really didn't do much of any consequence at all - basically he wandered around the desert a lot and had a son when he was old. That's it.

All in all, it seems Abraham's verdict should be NOT WORTHY OF RESPECT. He's one of those people over whom we should sit around rolling our eyes and thinking, "If only I were running his life, he'd be way better off."

THAT'S why Romans 4 shocked me...because it's like God completely overlooked all the juicy opportunities to judge him negatively.

Not only that, but every single time Abraham is mentioned in the New Testament, he's evaluated positively. WTF?!?! Here's my question: If it's possible for Abraham to get his mistakes overlooked, is it possible for me too???

Pondering this, I ended up skimming the entire New Testament to see how it talks about guys from the Old Testament. And what I found is that their dirty laundry is NEVER AIRED. In fact, it's like all the stupid things they did are erased, and the only things mentioned are good things! David was an adulterer and a murderer...but Acts 13 summarizes his life by saying he served God's purposes. Jacob was a con man and a manipulator...but Hebrews 11 says he worshiped God. Over and over, God NEVER takes the bait; he always presents these turds in a good light.


GOD'S MICROSCOPE

This whole idea blew me away, so I returned to Romans 4, and was struck by this:

Blessed is the one 
   whose sin the Lord will never count against them. 

It occurred to me that this whole chapter describes how very much God is unlike the evaluative people I know. Contrary to them, he wants to COVER people's mistakes instead of counting them against them. IN FACT, GOD IS COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE OF ALL THE EVALUATIVE PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR REASONS TO DISREGARD ME. God, though he has every reason to label me negatively, is doing everything he can to overlook those labels and call me righteous instead. I guess that's what grace is.

This is really, really good news for someone who doesn't measure up.

But how is it possible? After all, God's not stupid and he's not forgetful. He KNOWS all the ways I fall short. What I concluded is this: It's the Gospel. Jesus switched records with me.

God can look at me (and all my shortcomings) and call me righteous because on the cross he looked at his own Son (and all his accomplishments) and said he didn't measure up. (2 Cor 5:21...God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.)

Incredible, incredible, incredible. It's incredible to think that as much as I HATEHATEHATE being evaluated...there's someone who cares about me so much that he's willing to endure all the microscope scrutiny I deserve so that I don't have to!!!

That's life-changing...in fact, that's what chased away Turd Jill 6 years ago and allowed Real Jill to emerge. After all, who needs a turd when Jesus thinks Real Jill is worth so much???

WHERE TO GO FROM HERE

So I guess my problem right now is...for some reason I'm letting other people's judgments of me ring louder in my ears than God's. The Gospel isn't real enough to me. But how can I change that so Real Jill feels safe enough to come back? I'm not sure. But here are some things I want to try:

1. I need to spend more time with my savior, just listening to him tell me who I am.

2. I need to recognize when I'm feeling condemned and instead of agreeing...I need to tell that frickin' Accuser to SHUT UP!!! (because ultimately I don't think it's really the people's opinions I'm listening to...they're just speakers through which I'm hearing the accusations of my Enemy).

3. It is true...others should NOT be so evaluative of me. But I have no control over that. What I do have control over is my own choice...I can be like the rest of the world and look for opportunities to reveal people's flaws. OR I can be like my Father and look for opportunities to COVER those flaws so that others can feel the incredible relief of grace that I've felt. Maybe in ceasing the judgments and acting more like my Father, I'll feel more connected to him and therefore hear him more clearly.

So...that's where I am. 

I say all this knowing that Turd Jill has a REALLY STRONG grip on Real Jill right now, and it may take a while for her to emerge. I also know that I don't have the strength to pull her out on my own...it's the work of the Spirit. But I think if the two of us are in agreement that we'd LIKE to see this happen, there's probably not much that can get in the way.

So watch out. Real Jill may be coming soon to a venue near you.

Shocker...I'm not super-human. (But neither is God...)

WHAT'S BOTHERING ME

I try hard not to let things bother me. I don't get worked up in traffic - being late won't kill me, right? I don't get mad at people when they're rude to me - I just figure I deserved it. I don't even get excited about things - it seems like a waste of time since nothing ever goes as I expect it to. In fact, I so avoid reacting emotionally that when my emotions shift either direction out of neutral, I literally draw a flow chart to talk myself out of it. No joke. (I may be Sheldon Cooper.)

But sometimes the flow charts don't help, and if you've been reading this blog of ridiculousness, you know that over the past year, I've experienced a lot of crap...and I definitely haven't been riding it out in neutral. But when I really analyze it, I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with is not necessarily the crap itself, but the fact that I'm upset about it. I feel guilty for letting it affect me. I feel guilty for having feelings.


MY PICTURE OF MATURITY

Maybe it's my unemotional German heritage, but I have this idea that the really admirable people - and particularly the really good Christians - are the ones who never get too attached to anything and therefore never get too upset about anything.

When people talk about a mature Christian, they always describe someone who doesn't get bothered when bad things happen...like they could watch their home go up in flames or get hit by a bus and instead of crying, they'd praise God and say, "I have such a peace right now." (Christians always put the modifier a in front of peace. It kind of grosses me out.)

I think we're all trying to be the Zombie Jesus portrayed in the movies (A clip...).

Even when you remove the Christian thing from the equation, people get really uncomfortable when you're anything other than bubbly. They want to either fix you, explain why you actually should be feeling happy right now, or just get away from you.

So all of these factors have led me to believe that it's bad to feel sad/mad/hurt/disappointed/etc.; basically, if you feel those things, it's a sign of your failure to make life go right and/or your immaturity in handling it.


WHAT I DO

Well, I don't want to be an immature failure! So that's why I try really hard to avoid sadness/anger/hurt/disappointment/etc. And the best way to avoid those feelings is to avoid the situations that might cause those feelings. In fact, I'd say I make most decisions with the express intent of avoiding situations that might evoke those emotions.

So, for example, I avoid involvement with anyone who may disappoint me - even if that means disobeying God when he tells me to put myself out there. If I have to get involved, I keep it at a surface level. In established relationships, I rarely ask or expect anything of my friends because then they can't let me down. And when it comes to dreams or goals, when I don't get what I want, I avoid disappointment by deciding I never actually wanted it in the first place.

Basically, I refuse to put all my eggs in one basket, I maintain very low expectations, and I try to stay just detached enough from everyone and everything that I can maintain a peace when something goes wrong.

(Of course, happiness is a good thing and I'd like to have that, but I've found that in order to avoid sadness, you pretty much have to stop the pendulum from swinging too far in either direction.)

So I live my life in the safety zone...avoiding risks. And since I can't let the feelings pendulum swing too far either way, my general attitude is not really happy OR sad...it's just kind of sarcastic.

That is...I lived in the safety zone until this past year when I asked God for an adventure. Well, let me tell you something: God's adventures DO NOT LEAVE YOU IN THE SAFETY ZONE. He's put me in some pretty risky situations emotionally. And I guess I expected myself to stay detached enough to handle it with Christian maturity...you know, a peace.

But apparently I didn't succeed in staying detached, because right now I AM having feelings, and therefore I feel like I've failed the maturity test. And I'm afraid God's rolling his eyes thinking, "That's what she gets." (After all, that's the way people have responded to my pain.)

In guilt and embarrassment, I've tried to shut down the feelings and become more mature by:
1. Staying so incredibly busy that I don't have time to feel anything,
2. Rolling my eyes and telling myself to stop being such a girl and get over it, and
3. Resolving to stay more detached next time.



I'M NOT SUPER-HUMAN

But a friend sent me an email that I can't stop thinking about.  It described a conversation she'd had with her counselor about the fact that she was still not over her ex-boyfriend.  Here's an excerpt:

I said "I just feel like I should be over it by now" and my counselor very sarcastically said "of course because you are super human and never have hurt feelings."  So I took that to mean it's okay that we are hurting.  It would be nice if we weren't.  But nothing is wrong with us because it's hard to move past.  And we don't have to feel guilty about it.  So don't feel guilty, okay? 

That one little comment..."of course because you are super human and never have hurt feelings"...that spoke to something deep within my heart and opened up a flood of...I don't know...something that I've kept dammed up for a long time.

What?!?! It's okay for me to feel stuff? Feeling stuff is a sign of HUMAN-ness...not failure or immaturity??? I don't have to use flow charts to explain my emotions away? It's okay to just FEEL them?

This is a total paradigm shift to me, because I really do assume that God expects me to be super-human; that there's something wrong with me if I can't sail stoically through the storms of life.

But what if it's okay to be human?

What if it's okay to feel stuff...even negative stuff?

What if it's okay to be real?

What if avoiding feelings actually makes me LESS human?


GOD'S NOT SUPER-HUMAN

As I started to ask those questions, I started to realize something else:

Of course I'm not super-human, but GOD'S NOT SUPER-HUMAN EITHER. (I mean, yes, he's supernatural and omnipresent/omnipotent/omni-whatever else.) But in terms of emotions, God himself doesn't live up to the stoic, detached ideal I have in my mind. I started to realize this:

• God gets really hurt and upset over his lover betraying him...and obsesses more than I do.  Pretty much the entire prophetic section of the Old Testament is God mourning over being betrayed by his beloved. Read it from the perspective of a rejected lover, and suddenly his "mood swings" make perfect sense. Just like me, he goes back and forth between being mad and sad, wanting to punch them and wanting to hug them, wanting to forget them and wanting to relive all the good memories. Apparently it's okay if I can't move on right away...because God can't either.

• God doesn't avoid situations just because he may get hurt. I try so hard not to get attached to people who may hurt me, and when they DO hurt me, I berate myself for being stupid. But if God was trying to stay safely detached from people, then he never would have walked in the Garden with people who might love a piece of fruit more than they loved him. To him, involvement with us was worth the risk of getting hurt. So maybe being vulnerable isn't necessarily a sign of stupidity...because God did it too. 

• Jesus got scared about things that were going to happen to him. Has a doctor ever told you, "You WILL get breast cancer"? Well, one told me that. And it scared me. I feel guilty for being scared because I'm not supposed to let it faze me; I'm supposed to have a peace. But Jesus got scared, too. When he was getting ready to die on the cross, he was so scared that he was sweating blood. So apparently if my first reaction to scary situations isn't rejoicing, that's okay...because Jesus got worked up too.

• Jesus got hurt when his friends let him down. When my friends let me down, I always assume that I don't have the right to feel disappointed because I should have been looking to God for support; not to them. So I feel guilty for being hurt. But Jesus expected his friends to be there for him in the Garden of Gethsemane, and when they weren't, he got hurt and he told them. So I guess if Jesus didn't make flow charts to explain away his hurt, then maybe I'm also allowed to expect things of people and to feel hurt when they let me down.

• Jesus got sad and cried when he lost things he loved. To me, sadness and crying are an embarrassment. So whenever I feel sad or start to cry, I immediately replace it with sarcasm and roll my eyes at myself for being a baby. But when Jesus lost his friend Lazarus, he felt sad and he cried...even though he knew he was about to raise him from the dead! So if Jesus is allowed to feel sad and to cry without telling himself he's being ridiculous, maybe it's okay for me to do too.

MY DISCOVERY

I could go on and on, but basically I've concluded that God experiences the full range of the pendulum swing. He isn't Zombie Jesus after all, so he probably doesn't expect me to be that. (In fact, Zombie Jill may freak him out as much as Zombie Jesus freaks me out.) And what I'm discovering is this: 

• Having feelings is a sign of BEING HUMAN. Humans have feelings. Cars, fish and rocks don't. Which one am I?

• Having feelings is a sign that I'm MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD. I have feelings because God does and I look like him.

• Having feelings is a sign of LIVING. Avoiding feelings may be safe, but is someone lying in a coma really living? Having feelings means I'm going out there doing something - taking risks, exploring, searching for adventures, living life to the full.

And here are the best ones:

• If God has felt sad/mad/hurt/etc., then he must be empathizing with me right now; not rolling his eyes...because the best empathizers are the ones who have gone through the same thing as you.

• Yes, Christians ARE blessed with a peace. But maturity doesn't mean feeling a peace instead of feeling sad/mad/hurt/etc. No, maturity means feeling a peace while also feeling sad/mad/hurt/etc. It's being sad and admitting it...and also at the same time having the peace that God's got my back. I think IMMATURITY is avoiding all emotions; whereas MATURITY is being so sure that God's got me that I'm ABLE to put myself in risky situations, get attached, actually feel something...yet still have a peace that I'm okay.

I don't know...I don't think I have the full picture on this yet. All I know is this: I've tried living life with the goal of avoiding emotions. And that goal has hindered me from obeying God, because a lot of times he wants me to do things that risk evoking emotions. In those times, it seems like he's placing me in a Catch-22...because maturity means obedience, but maturity also means having a peace...so how can I possibly do both??????  Aaaaaaaaaah! But if I can remove "avoiding emotions" as one of my must-haves, then that makes obedience a whole lot simpler.

And this idea of giving up my super-human status and just being regular-human Jill is quite a relief because I WANT to be who I was made to be. I WANT to live my life to the full like my Father does, rather than keeping myself safe (but comatose) in my prison cell. I WANT to have the freedom to just be HUMAN instead of wearing my stoic super-human mask. I WANT to be alive and able to experience the full swing of the pendulum.

DISCLAIMERS:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is a one-sided rant, and people coming from the opposite end of the feeling spectrum will have problems with a lot of what I'm saying here. But keep in mind I'm wrestling through this FOR ME, and I'm coming from a place of avoiding all emotions. So for me, freedom is to embrace my feelings just as they are...whereas someone from the opposite end of the spectrum would find freedom in NOT giving so much importance to their feelings.

Anyway, here is a non-exhaustive list of disclaimers:

• OF COURSE you shouldn't just succumb to whatever destructive emotion you want.
• OF COURSE it's stupid to blindly get overly attached to dangerous people.
• OF COURSE living out of your identity as God's child will steady your out-of-control emotions.
• OF COURSE you should use logic and reasoning rather than reacting solely out of emotion.
• OF COURSE God doesn't want you to STAY in your negative emotions and wallow there.
• OF COURSE you should ultimately look to God for comfort; not people.
• OF COURSE if you have evidence that I really AM some sort of superhero, I hope you'll share it with me so I can get my cool costume and develop my alternate identity ASAP. Thanks.  

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. - Psalm 34:18 

BAM!!! Hit by a bus.

Can I just be honest?  Sometimes it feels like God breaks his promises.

Like when he says that he'll protect me from all harm. (Ps 121:7, Ps 91:10, Isa 54:17, 2 Tim 4:18, etc.) Really??? I sure don't feel protected right now.

WAIKIKI...OR PEARL HARBOR???
I guess it's my own fault, but last November I asked God for an adventure. Geez Louise. I don't recommend this request, as God and I have VERY different definitions of the word. I defined "adventure" similar to an exciting Hawaiian vacation...but if this is Hawaii, then I got dropped here on Dec. 7, 1941.

In a nutshell, this was my past year:

• Drama: I entered a doomed-from-the-start dating relationship with my dance partner who has a different spiritual background. Judge me all you want (most days I'd agree)...all I can say is that I truly believed God told me to open up my heart and be vulnerable - and he'd have my back. So I VERY hesitantly did...only to have it raked through the coals each of the FIVE times we broke up.  In one fell swoop, I lost my boyfriend, friend, Bible study partner, dance partner, and willingness to trust - and BONUS...I still "get" to see him weekly with another girlfriend!!!

• Failures: In a group that I lead, I had 2 awesome-sounding ideas that I thought came from God. I excitedly tried them...and they both failed. Miserably. In the midst of this failure, a friend threatened repeatedly that if I didn't improve, she'd leave the group. I failed at that, too.

• Work: My company announced that we're merging with another firm and moving to an office 30 minutes farther from home. This seems like a natural time to transition out...since this is not my dream career and the extra driving time will force me to give up things I love. But I have NO IDEA what/how to do that and God's been pretty silent regarding direction.

• Mad Frog: My favorite weekly salsa event ended. This may seem trivial, but it was truly the place I felt most "at home" and the thing I most looked forward to each week.

• Predators: Men are seriously NEVER interested in me...but this year I've navigated (successfully and not) through warding off no less than 9 men who were really only interested in the wrong thing.

• BRCA1: I discovered that I have Angelina Jolie's gene mutation that leads to an 87% chance of female cancers (as opposed to 1% for the general population). This, of course, leads to a host of other problems (including the death of any dreams for a family). I'll process all of this some other time.

• No support: I've dealt with this all alone. I've tried to talk to people about it, but found that everyone was either unwilling to listen ("Sorry, as you were pouring your heart out, I was trying to hear the conversation at the next table") or ill-equipped to listen ("I can't deal with the heaviness of what you're saying...I'll just joke about it!") or just made things worse ("If you get breast & ovarian cancer, you'll no longer be a woman"). So after repeated attempts, it seemed safer to just keep it to myself, smile, and talk about the weather.

• Money: Then I started losing money right and left. My garbage disposal broke. My car needed $2800 of repairs. I took the ill-fated genetic test. I had to make doctor's appointments and get prescriptions, none of which insurance pays for, since my deductible is sky-high. My computer bit the dust. Suddenly it feels fiscally irresponsible to even buy groceries.

• Accusation: But worse is the constant voice of accusation in my head that won't shut up..."This is all your fault...that's what you get...you're a failure and a disappointment...you aren't worth anyone's time or interest...your life isn't worth reproducing...etc." I feel like Precious, cowering at the bottom of the stairs, being bombarded by all the verbal abuse of her mother. Like her, I'd start off denying the accusations, but eventually you start to think (and act as if) they must be true.

• Exposed: Still worse is the realization that, while there are people who enjoy being with me when it's fun, convenient, and corresponds with what they already wanted to do, there are very few who want to be with me when it requires sacrificing fun, convenience, or their desires. They don't love ME; just what I can give them. Suddenly I realized I'm unloved, alone and exposed - no one's got my back. And that makes me PANIC.

THE REAL PROBLEM
So...I know things could be way, way worse (and at the rate I'm going, probably WILL) but my honest response to all of this is: "Protection?!  Bull@#$%!!!  This feels more like feeding me to the wolves."

And I guess the REAL thing I'm struggling with isn't necessarily the circumstances themselves or that people don't have my back...but that it really feels like God doesn't have my back...that he broke his promise and abandoned me. And that's a really scary place to be.

Now, I know all the theological explanations for suffering (dude, I'm a seminary dropout)...blah, blah, blah. But I also know that despite these explanations, at the end of the day, the deepest part of my heart feels unprotected and unsafe - and therefore it has closed off access - holding God at arm's length saying, "He can't be trusted." And none of the reasoning or arguments can convince it otherwise. (And the worst part is that I really wish he COULD be trusted...because without him, I really am completely alone and defenseless in the world. That's a terrifying thought.) But HOW can I trust him when it seems he promises protection but doesn't deliver?

ANALYSIS FROM MY OVERLY-ORGANIZED BRAIN
After MUCH thought, I guess here's the way I see it:
I have 2 conflicting claims. So the way I interpret the situation is dependent on which of those claims is the given.

Claim 1 (God's Word): God said he would protect me from all harm.
Claim 2 (Circumstances): But circumstances show that I'm NOT being protected!

So here are my options:

Option 1: My circumstances are the given.
If my circumstances are the given, then when they tell me I'm NOT being protected, I have to assume that God's Word must be false. He can't be trusted. I'm alone...defenseless...screwed.

Option 2: God's Word is the given.
But if God's Word is the given, then when he says he WILL protect me, I have to assume that he IS PROTECTING ME, even though it doesn't feel like it. In that case, trust means to say, "What I'm experiencing right now MUST BE PROTECTION...and I guess I've just been defining protection incorrectly." (Protection...adventure...I'm noticing a theme regarding definitions here...)

RECONCILING THE INCONCEIVABLE
I really want to go with option 2. But the big question is:  How could what I'm experiencing possibly be protection???  I don't really know.

But what I do know is this: If I were standing around obliviously happy, and suddenly my earthly dad came barreling toward me at top speed, lunged, and shoved me roughly into a pile of glass, I would not assume that he was trying to kill me.  (Killing me would be pretty out-of-character for him.) Rather, I'd assume that he must have seen some horrible impending peril - like a bus speeding toward me - and even though he knew the pile of glass would hurt, shoving me into it WAS protection from the bigger danger.

And I guess I'm trying to give my heavenly Father the same benefit of the doubt. Even though this year has HURT, maybe shoving me into it is somehow protecting me from a greater danger.

And I think choosing option 2 defines what REAL trust actually is...NOT knowing all the theological reasons/arguments and using them to prove he's still good...but trust is just choosing to bank on the goodness of God even when I CAN'T explain or prove it...even when it's inconceivable.

I don't know. I'm not completely there yet. And I don't know how to get myself to the point of trusting and believing that God IS keeping his promise, even when it doesn't feel like it. But I do know I WANT to trust him and I'm asking him to help me with that. And I guess that's a good place to start.



Every word of God proves true.
        He is a shield to all who come to him for protection. (Proverbs 30:5)

The secret's out...I'm a mess.

Those people who have it all together...I have a hard time relating to them.  Those people who always know the right answer...I don't know how to talk to them. You see, I’m a frickin’ mess. (But not a cute mess like my adorable nephew below.) 

PORTRAIT OF A MESS

Let me paint the picture for you... 

This summer I cried on the phone with the plumber. No joke. It’s been a ROUGH year, and getting the run-around from the plumber just happened to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, so I literally started bawling. That wasn’t my proudest moment of 2013 (though it did speed up the repair of my garbage disposal).

I’ll continue. I'm 35 years old and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Sure, there have been times when I THOUGHT I knew…but I can never figure out how to get there, and the whole thing just seems so difficult…so instead I join another volleyball league and try not to think about it.

Here’s another one:  I’m still not over my ex-boyfriend. I'm such a middle-school girl. It’s been months, but at any given moment, I’m just one rogue thumb-swipe away from sending a misguided text. There are still entire genres of music I have to skip on my iPod because they hurt too much. I’m supposed to just move on because "he’s not worth my time," but that argument doesn’t seem to be working – nor have my giant medicinal chocolate chip pancakes.

I fail a lot. I botched 3 big endeavors this year, and I try not to think about them because then I feel like I’M a failure. I’m embarrassed about how delusional I was to ever think I could have succeeded. And I’m reluctant to ever risk again.

I get really lonely. Being single, I’m supposed to focus on how great it is to be independent and free (and there IS that, yes). But a lot of the time I feel like I’m lost in space, and no matter how loudly I yell, no one ever hears me or cares.

I get really scared. Sometimes it’s stupid…What if I choose the wrong thing to do tonight and waste hours that I can never get back?! Sometimes it’s serious…What if I get cancer and there’s no one willing to take care of me?

I'm an introvert in a world of extroverts. I have never been cool. In order to be socially acceptable, I do the opposite of my natural instinct at all times. Yet despite my efforts, I'm still told that I make a bad first impression, that I come off like a snob, and that I need to be more fun. I rarely feel understood. I am inevitably more invested in relationships than the other person is, so I end up getting hurt...often.

I’m a mess as a Christian, too. I cuss when I pray. I know it’s not very spiritual, but sometimes all I can say is, “WTF, God?!?!” Sometimes I just stand in the shower and yell, “Jesus, HELP!” (My neighbors never come running, which tells me I should probably devise a "Plan B" in the event of a fire.)

And I don’t know all the answers. I rarely understand how God works. I often don’t trust him. I regularly have no clue what he's saying…and sometimes I don’t WANT to hear him. I don’t always know the right thing to do. Sometimes I don’t even believe God exists. Sometimes, like Peter, the only thing keeping me around is that I have nowhere else to turn!

There's much more messiness in my life, but you get the picture.

WHY I'M ADMITTING THIS

So it’s clear that I’m a mess, but the question is: Why am I starting a blog dedicated to revealing my messiness when I live in a culture where we all wear masks to avoid exposing the shame of who we really are?

Well, here’s the deal.  For quite a while, I’ve been feeling like God wanted me to start writing again. But I’ve given him a whole bunch of reasons why that’s a bad idea:

1. I'm a mess and I need to get my life figured out before I have any platform from which to write.
2. Writing is too stressful because I have to think everything through...and understand all the background...and line up all the factors in the correct format so that everything makes sense. My brain can’t handle it.
   
   
   
3. It's a waste of time because no one cares about anything I have to say.
4. Every time I obey, I encounter opposition. I’d rather stay safe.

But recently, he’s given me a new perspective.

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Here it is:

1. BEING A MESS IS PREFERABLE. When I read the Gospels, it’s clear that the people who actually connected with Jesus were NOT the ones who had their lives together or who knew all the answers. (In fact, those people were known as the Pharisees, and they notoriously MISSED connecting with Jesus every single time!) On the contrary, the people who actually connected with Jesus were the messy ones who KNEW they were messy…the woman at the well, the blind man, the lepers, etc. The ones who connected with Jesus were the ones who were willing to admit they DIDN'T know the answers. So if I want to write about connecting with Jesus, then my messiness actually gives me MORE of a platform from which to write.
   
   
   
2. WRITING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE NEAT AND PRETTY. I’m kind of like Jacob - the place where I meet God is always in the wrestling. It’s in the struggle to understand, to trust, and to align my life with what he says. I often encounter God in the wrestling...but I rarely meet him when a truth is handed to me perfectly presented on a silver platter. So why should I try to deliver a silver platter product when the real connection is in the wrestling? Maybe I DON’T need to have everything wrapped up in a bow. Maybe the wrestling is the point.
   
   
   
3. WRITING IS FOR ME; NOT FOR YOU. This one was a lesson in humility. God said, "Hello, Jill, the reason you're supposed to write is for YOU to learn and grow; not in order to teach someone else." You see, writing has always been a therapeutic way for me to process things, and since I can’t afford a counselor right now, this is the outlet available to me. In that case, it doesn’t matter if no one else cares about what I have to say! (So then why am I publishing this in a blog? I have no idea. I just know I need to obey...because I’ve tried not obeying and that’s not going so well for me.)
4. STANDING STILL IS ACTUALLY GOING BACKWARDS. It's no surprise that I encounter opposition when I obey…I have an enemy who will do anything to keep me from connecting with my Father!  But it’s silly to think that I’m protecting myself by refusing to obey. I read a book called “The Torch and the Sword” that said this: “You cannot retreat any farther. There is nowhere else to go, but if you resist the enemy he will eventually flee. If you do not resist, you are doomed.” Well, I’d rather not be doomed. So I’m giving obedience a shot.

So that's where I am.  I'm a mess.  I know I'm a mess.  But I'm hanging on to Psalm 73:21-23:

 When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
 I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

 Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.

I believe this verse.  I know from experience that even when I'm a brute beast, God's still with me, holding my hand, helping me to wrestle toward connection with him. So starting now, I’m going to use this blog to record that wrestling. We’ll see how it goes.